Page 70 of How (Not) to Conjure a Boyfriend
“I know.” I dip my head too.
Who knew the shame already overflowing in my gut could somehow intensify in a matter of minutes.
“You have to tell them the truth,” Mom says.
“I will, but…” I’m about to confess more, but I stop.
“But what?” Mom asks. “Youneedto tell them the truth. It’s not going to be easy, but you can’t go on trying to hold up a lie, especially like this. Hayden is a person too.”
I nod and remember what Eliza had said.
“His aunt knows!” I blurt.
“But they haven’t said anything?” Mom asks.
“No. She said she’d break the news to them though, she just hasn’t yet,” I explain. I know I shouldn’t, but it’s nice not to feel like all the blame is on me.
“You should still make it right, Shatzi.” Mom smiles sadly at me, then steps up and puts her arms around me. “You’re a good one. Stubborn and strong-willed for such a little package, but you have a good heart. I know you do.”
She ruffles my hair like I’m ten, and I roll my eyes so she can see.
Do I though? My heart, that is. Do I have a good one? If I’m honest, it feels shrunken and wrinkly. It feels foreign.
“You’re growing up, becoming a ma—” She stops herself and grins at me. “A greatperson. Things are changing. It’s how growing up works. But youdohave a good heart. I know you do.”
“Are you sure?” I can’t look at her.
“Yes. Yes, I am.” She pats my cheek. “You’re figuring things out. You’re learning, adjusting, growing. Idefinitelydon’t want to imagine what all goes through that head of yours, but it doesn’t make you bad. Only what you do with those feelings and thoughts can do that. But even that can be made right.” Mom pauses and looks me hard in the eyes. “It’s not too late to do what you should have done. And I know you will.”
I smile and nod. It must be enough because she squeezes me and tells me good night again. When she turns around, I say, “Gute Nacht,” and make off down the hall to my bedroom. I shut the door behind me and fall face-first on my bed’s thick gray weighted comforter.
“Ahhhh!” I scream into the blanket to muffle the sound.
Semi-satisfied with the release, I flip over and throw my arms out like limp wings. “Why?”
I scan the motionless brown blades of my ceiling fan like they’re filled with sigils and unknown mythologies to be decrypted. I try to focus on them, looking for an easy way out of all this, if for no other reason than for Mom. She’s right. I need to say something. Ihaveto. I can’t let Hayden think he’s just forgotten me. It’s wrong, on so many levels.
But how?
I know how I’m going to start, at least. I get up and head over to my altar, where I write on a new slip of parchment.
May I have the strength to tell Hayden and his family the truth.
I’m about to write it a second time below the first sentence, but instead I continue it with one more statement.
I will not fall for Zachary Marcus.
I can’t do all this. I can’t tell them the truth and expect Zachary to want anything to do with me. How could he? I have to be ready for that. I have to accept it.
After writing it down another two times, and ripping the paper into three pieces, I fold them each three times. I pull the tall slender black candle closer and light it.
“You can do this,” I say, but underneath the words and flicker of flame and smell of smoke, there are things running through my head that I can’t seem to stop. A feeling. An idea.
Maybe I can fix this. Maybe.
I drop the parchment before finishing the second repetition. Making a spell with mixed intentions, with a conflicted heart, is dangerous. Instead, I kill the flame with a quick breath and move my ocean-blue pillar candle front and center before lighting it. I don’t bother writing my intention down. I simply watch the flame flicker and beg Freyja for clearness of mind and peace,because I can’t imagine that even being possible on my own. I feel it deep in my gut. A deep hole, sloshing over the edges with guilt and greed. It’s a version of me I didn’t know I could be, something foreign and burdensome. Oh gods, please don’t let this be me.
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