Page 62 of How (Not) to Conjure a Boyfriend
“Yeah,” he echoes me.
I nod, waiting for him to say more, but he doesn’t. Instead I focus on the dull buzz of the streetlights and the distant hum of muffled engines. The moon is bright tonight against a pristine sky. Each star is like a little diamond, some steady and calm, others sparkling through our atmosphere. It puts me at ease, sort of, and reminds me that the moon will be full on Sunday. I’ll be able to recharge my crystals again. But the quiet is still annoying. What am I supposed to say? I’m not the one who asked towalk meto my car. It’s mad awkward.
Finally, we stop next to my car, and I shove my hands in my pockets. The door handle is so close. All I’d have to do is move my hand a few inches, but I’m tugged in two directions. I’m really trying not to be, but I am.
“So.” Zachary’s mouth skews to the left and he looks down. “This is awkward.”
You think? I squint and look up at him.
“I’m just going to ask. Did, uh…” Zachary huffs and stutters his next few words. It’s actually cute. “Did…you, uh…d-did you not like it? You know, when…”
“When?” I scrunch my brow like I’m super confused. He’s nervous. I can even see it in his eyes and hear it between each hesitation. “When what?”
“You know…when we…” Zachary sucks his lips in and takes in a deep breath through his nostrils. His lips bunch up tight. It’s so effing cute! No, not cute. It’s funny! Not cute. Definitely not cute.
“What are you talking about?” I ask. I’m not going to be the one who says it. Not now that he’s bringing it up.
“Uh…” he tries but clamps his jaw shut.
“So much for just asking,” I joke. Immediately I feel bad for it.
“Okay, fine.” He rolls his eyes and licks his lips, then the words spill out at a hundred miles per hour. “Did you not like it when we kissed?”
“You mean whenyoukissed me?” I reframe it. I’m not ready to admit that I did enjoy it. Not yet, and I’m definitely not letting him pin it on me. Hedidinitiate.
“Huh? When I kissed you?” Zachary’s eyes become wide moons. “We kissed each other.”
“But you initiated,” I remind him.
“That’s not how I remember it.” He grins.
“I…” But my mind runs back to the scene, doused in blackness with the receding chirp of bats. The first time I really saw him. The gentleness in his eyes. The way he looked atme, like he truly saw me. The sharpness of his jaw. How the cold in my bones seemed to disappear the closer he came. His lips. Parted. And yes, I moved closer. I went in for their soft sweetness, not knowing I’d find exactly what I wanted to know so bad. I’m just as much to blame, but he did start it. “Maybe it wasn’t just you. But we shouldn’t have.”
Zachary starts to say something but stops. In the dark his face is half-lit by the dim orange of a sodium streetlamp. His eyes wander everywhere but toward me. There’s conflict in them, and I think I understand it.
“Yeah…maybe we shouldn’t have.” He nods again. “But…”
He clamps his lips tight. I don’t think that’s what he wanted to hear, or what he expected, and now I feel horrible. I want to run, to dive into my car and speed off. To make for the hills and hide so he never finds me, so I never have to look at those eyes again, but he speaks out of nowhere.
“I just…” Zachary pauses to grit his teeth. “I…I just thought you and Hayden, you know…that it wasn’t real. I thought it was a joke or something. It doesn’t make sense in my head.”
“Make sense?” I reel back. I’ve been thinking the same thing. How could anyone ever believe Hayden would want me? The perfect high school jock who isn’t a complete douche wanting to date the little unknown enby. But to say it!
“I didn’t mean that in a bad way,” Zachary backtracks. “I just—”
“How else am I supposed to take it?” I ask.
“Just that I know my brother,” he sighs. Zachary’s eyes slide closed before he looks at me again. “At least, I thought I did. Maybe he’s been hiding from me. I just can’t believe I wouldn’t see it. I mean, I know his type. I’ve known him my entire life. He’s my brother.”
“So it’s too much to believe that he could love me?” I ask.
“No! That’s not what I’m saying. Not at all. Mack, I’m just trying to understand,” he says. The sincerity in his voice is almost too much. He sounds…broken. “Hayden tells me everything, or at least he did. I mean, we were closer before he got big on the team, but still.”
Before he got big on the team.Hmm. It starts to sink in. Their dynamic must have been changing, and this feels like another loss to him. Not understanding what’s happening. Not being in the loop like he once was. And now I’m feeling like crap because he’s feeling this way all because of a lie. All because I’m trying to keep up a ruse, and even worse, I like him too.
I hide the need to decompress all of that by pumping my fist inside my pockets and clearing my throat. I can’t tell him all of that, but I’ve got to do something.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
