Page 104 of How (Not) to Conjure a Boyfriend
“You scared me, mein Schatz!” she says. She rushes over and gives me a hug. “Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
“I…” A lie nearly escapes, but I grab it and pull it back inside. I didn’t answer her call, I just gave her a vague text response. I shouldn’t have, but I did. And now my heart can’t handle it anymore and it quakes, and I begin to sob. “I’m sorry, Mom!”
“Sit down, Kenzie,” Mom says and sits, patting the cushion next to her.
I do as she says and take a seat. The room is still dark, and I sort of want to ask to turn the lights on, but I don’t.
“Is this about the Marcus boys?” she asks, repositioning to face me.
Of course it’s about the Marcus boys. Everything is about the Marcus boys lately. That’s where all my problems have come from. I mean not them, me, but still.
“Yeah,” I mumble.
“Honey, you did what you had to. You told them the truth.” Mom puts a hand on my shoulder. “That’s never easy. You really liked Zachary, I think.”
Loved maybe.I want to correct her, but I’m still debating it. Did I love him? I thought all I wanted was Hayden until I met Zachary. I actually got to know Zachary, and there was something there that I couldn’t find in Hayden when he woke up, but it was only weeks. Is that enough time to know you love someone? That’s what has been running through my head ever since Thursday night. Do I? I mean, did I?
“I did,” I agree instead. “And now I think he hates me.”
“Do you know that?” Mom asks.
“I lied about dating his brother. I outed Hayden before he was ready.” That one really hurts. I know how scary that can be and how personal a decision that is and should be, but I took that away from him. “Then I pushed him away because I didn’t know what to do. Even if Zach doesn’t hate me, there’s no way his mom and dad would allow it.”
“That might be true, but you’realmostan adult.” Mom shakes her head in disbelief. “Mein Schatz isalmostan adult. You never know what could happen though.”
I nod. Why is she giving me hope?
“Mackenzie,” Mom sighs my name. “It’s going to be okay. You’re young.”
“But I could have ruined Hayden’s life!” I burst. “Do you know how scary being outed is? I didn’t want to hurt him!”
“I know, honey.” She looks at me knowingly, probably remembering when I came home from school after being outed in eighth grade. “I know.”
“And Zachary! How could he like me after all of this?” I ask. “I lied about how I felt about him. I lied, again. I would be so angry if I were him.”
“And that’s okay. It’s not fun, but he has every right to be angry,” Mom agrees.You weren’t supposed to agree with that one.“But it doesn’t mean he’ll always be angry at you. You’re a kind person, Mackenzie. You care. A lot. And sometimes caring puts you in hard places.”
“That’s for sure,” I say. “I just feel awful. I’m angry at myself.”
“You’re going to have to let that go eventually,” Mom says. “It’s not easy, but I know you’ll manage. You’re mein Schatz, of course you will.”
I huff. I wish it felt that simple. I wish it was just a matter of time, but I think it’s more than that. I need to deserve it.
* * *
The scent of sage hangs in the air as I grind yellow yarrow blossoms into a fine blend with a handful of mugwort leaves. I move the pestle clockwise around the bowl, mixing the two flowers together. I try to focus on the rhythm, but a tear drops from my cheek into the bowl. I hold back a sob and keep stirring. It’s a truth spell, and I can’t think of anything more truthful than a tear.
I considered a spell on Zachary to make him love me, but no, blot on magic and all,andobviously my love spell on Hayden didn’t go to plan either. Probably also something to do with offending the order of things. So instead, a truth spell on myself, something to help me accept reality and move forward. If thepast few weeks have taught me anything, it’s that as cliché as it may sound, truth is the best option. It’s still so freaking hard to accept it. Every time I think of Zachary it’s like a rusty dagger buries itself deep in my chest. The way I hurt him and his family. The lies I told to stay close, get closer to them. The way I ruined any chance I might have had with him. Wanting to kiss him again. The warmth of his hand on my cheek while he looks in my eyes. Gods, those eyes.
Forgetting Zachary isn’t an option. Forgetting any of them is impossible. No magic is going to do that. It’s just not how it works. It only works that way in the movies, not real life, and even if it could, I’d be left with either chunks of memory missing or a bunch of blurry faces and weird moments “alone.” The thought of that is even more haunting.
“Calm, Kenzie,” I say to myself and wipe new tears from under my eyes.
Spells are powerful things, but they’re also fragile. I’ve learned a lot about that lately, unfortunately. My intent, the way I think about it, how I frame it, the way I feel in the moment, the vibes I send out into the universe to makeita reality mean everything. One off thread can pollute the whole into something unintended and…well, problematic.
I look down at the words scrawled on a simple piece of paper. I’m supposed to speak them while the flame eats away at the tall white chime candle set at the center of my altar with my mixture sprinkled around it. I just have to focus. I stop grinding the mixture and take a long slow breath. Then I sprinkle the blend clockwise around the base of the candle. I reach for the pestle again and my mind wanders. It always comes back to him, to Zachary. What is he doing right now? Is he angry with me? Did he actually feel the same or am I imagining it? Oh my gods,did Iimagine it? I’ve done it before. Why not this time?
There was Tanner Blackbourn my freshman year. He smiled at me once, and I thought he loved me. He didn’t. That was my first actual crush, but it ended when I saw Hayden. And now there is Zachary.WasZachary. Not anymore. Gods, he has to hate me.
