Page 98 of How (Not) to Conjure a Boyfriend
“Huh?” Hayden visibly jerks back.
“I can’t.” I whisper it this time. This ends now. Whether I’m okay with it or not, they don’t deserve to be lied to.
“Really?” Hayden seems confused, but there isn’t any of the hurt I’d expected.
“I just…I can’t. I was going to tell you after dinner, but-but…” I’m struggling to get everything out between sobs. I can barely see.
“Honey, are you okay?” Mary-Anne starts to get up, but I put up a hand to stop her.
“Tell me what?” Hayden’s confusion becomes tinged with suspicion.
“I…” My voice catches. This is happening. I’m not letting anything get in the way of it. Freyja! Odin! Thor! Balder! Heimdall! My gods! Give me even the tiniest sliver of a Valkyrie’s strength to just be honest with them.
Zachary stands. “Are you okay, Mack?”
I put up a hand again and shake my head.Mack.He’s the only person who calls me that, and I love the way it sounds when he does, but please not now. I wipe my face and try to sniffle back the flood. A huff of air expels from my chest and I grunt to clear my throat. It’s now or never.
“I’m not your enbyfriend, Hayden. I never was,” I blurt. At first, I squint, eyes closing, but I open them again when he doesn’t say anything. Is he in shock? I’d be in shock if my boyfriend told me we’d never dated. I’d be mortified.
“Excuse me? But you sa— You said we were dating before the accident.” Hayden stops and looks up at the ceiling in thought. “But we’re not? This all makes so much more sense now.”
“No,” I whisper, surprised by the crescendo in Hayden’s voice.
“What do you mean?” Mary-Anne is up from her seat again. I can’t tell if it’s confusion or anger in her eyes.
“You said at the hospital you two had been dating,” Mr. Marcus says.
“I know,” I say. My whole body shakes. I’m shivering from head to toe with nerves. “But it’s not true.”
“What?” Zachary’s voice goes up an octave.
“It’s not true,” I repeat.
“So we’re…” Hayden points between us. “We’re not dating?”
“No.” I shrug. “And you don’t have amnesia. I don’t think.”
“Oh,” isn’t what I expect him to say, but it’s what he says.
For a second it distracts me from the feeling boiling inside me, but it comes back like a brick wall right after Hayden slaps his hands over his mouth like he just let out a secret.
“I need to go, I made a mistake. I…” I stop, I just need to get out of here. There’s no point in rehashing the whole story to them. They were there, and I’m sure they can put the pieces together now that they have the truth. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.”
“Mackenzie,” Zachary calls after me as I start for the door. “Wait!”
Hearing him use my whole name causes me to freeze in place. Somehow it feels like a punch in the gut. I’m about to burst into a run, but he’s on his feet and next to me in a moment.
“I’m sorry!” I sob, but refuse to face him. “Why did you have to be so great?”
They’re not the words I expected to come from my mouth, but at least it’s the truth. I finally allow myself to look at Zachary. His steel eyes beg me for answers, and a smile twitches across his lips, or maybe I imagined it. Either way, for a fleeting momentI allow myself to remember how he made me feel, to remember what I’ll never know again.
“Huh?” Zachary asks.
How can I answer that? There aren’t enough words to apologize to him and at the same time express how I feel about him. How cruel it is to both of us, but I guess that’s my fault too. I nod and try to smile, but my heart is so broken I don’t think I can. I break our gaze and look around the table.
“I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. It seemed so innocent back then, and I swear I meant well, but it was wrong. I understand if you all hate me,” I say, and the tears rush back in, pouring over my cheeks.
“Kenz—” Mr. Marcus starts, but Mary-Anne talks over him.
