Page 96 of This I Promise You
“Wild guess,” Aidan giggles. I wish I felt like giggling. “You want Chinese?”
It’s the most random thing, and before I can rebound, Aidan starts talking again.
“He still writing you poems? Ty never writes me poems. Actually, I’m not sure I want him to.”
I’m lying on my bed facing away from him, and I tilt my head back to see him. He’s sitting cross-legged on his bed as he rambles. I manage a laugh. I’m pretty sure he’s being sarcastic.
“You don’t want him to?” I scrunch my brow.
“I’ve helped him with enough papers to know better.” Aidan smiles at me.
“And no,” I finally answer his question.
“Huh?”
“No, he hasn’t sent any more poems.” I deflate a little.
It’s the war in my head. The battle that wages in my chest where I’m poised as both aggressor and defender. I want him to stop. I want him to see that I’m not worth it and that he should leave me alone and let me go. I want him to stop texting and saying all the beautiful, often “fuck”-laced things that weaken my heart’s defenses.
But I also don’t.
I don’t want him to stop texting. I don’t want him to stop saying the things that light up the black spots in my chest. Why does this have to be so damn hard?
“Ah,” Aidan says before throwing his feet off the edge of the bed and letting them dangle freely. “You want to talk about it?”
“About what?” I give him a crazy look. He hates—or well, hated, or maybe still does actually—Paul.
“About Paul. I know, the two of us haven’t been each other’s biggest fans.” He rolls his eyes and grins. “But you’re my friend, and your stupid ass is obsessed with him whether I like it or not. Ugh, you’re such a bottom—”
“And you’re not?” A massive smile shoots across my face. The look I get back says he knows exactly what he’s doing. He got the smile he wanted, and yeah, it feels good to smile.
“Not the point. This isn’t about me. This is about you.” Aidan laughs. “So…wanna talk?”
I consider Aidan’s proposal for a moment. He’s my best friend. I know I can talk to him. I really do, but I don’t know. I just don’t want to talk about it right now. If I could get Paul out of my mind, if I could forget even for a second that he exists, I would choose not to even think about him right now, but that doesn’t seem to be an option.
“Nah.” I shrug. It’s in that exact moment that I want to, that I want to tell him how badly I miss Paul, how much I want to just sit next to him and hear him talk about some big crazily cool thing in that way only he does, how I hate myself for not telling him earlier that I was sick, how selfish I was, and how much I want to answer Paul’s texts. But I don’t. I just…can’t. Saying it all out loud would be worse.
He looks at me for a second, seeming to analyze me, to look into my mind if he could, before saying a word.
“You sure?” Aidan asks.
“Ye…” I stop. Why do I stop? Now he’ll definitely not let it go. But I guess I don’t really want him to either.
“You know,” Aidan sighs. “Believe it or not Ty and I didn’t just end up together and everything was rainbows and unicorns. We almost didn’t make it, and looking back, that would have sucked.”
“I know.” I roll my eyes and turn over to see him. I’ve heard their story. It’s what movies are made of, I swear, but it’s not the time.
“Of course you know. I’m not telling it again. I’m just saying, sometimes we mess up, and maybe you messed up?” Aidan’s staring me right in the eye.
“Well thank you for thesubtleadvice.” I huff and throw my hands back on the bed. Why does he have to be right? For a solid minute I don’t know what to say. My mind is blasting with all the ways I want Paul and all the reasons I don’t deserve him. But finally I take control.
“I love him,” I blurt out. I haven’t said that out loud before. It feels good, right? But somehow scary too. Shit, it’s so scary.
“I know you do, East.” Aidan grins.
“I…want to be with him, but I feel like I messed things up too badly for us to…” I look at the floor and shrug, “ya know, work anymore.”
“But you love him.”
