Page 91 of This I Promise You
“I’m still pissed at you, dude, but I get it. I was just mad my…” He pauses and huffs. “I’m hurt you left me to deal with all this shit alone. Trevor’s been gone, and I may be older, but not by much. I coulda used your help, bro. But really, I get it. We actually have a good life here now. They’ve both been through hell. We all have, and things were hard at first, but the kids are happy and safe and that’s all I care about. And you seem happy. Even if you’re a dickwad for saying what you said to your boyfriend. Anyway, yeah, we’re good.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. “That was easier than I thought, actually.”
“Like I said, you gotta get past Dani. Raising a teenager is the worst, dude. My condolences in advance.”
Huxley leans forward against the kitchen island on her elbows, chin in her hands. “So tell us, Jace. What is it that you do?”
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
Easton
Do I?
The red glow of the streetlight is blurred by the droplets tracing paths down my windshield before the wipers sweep the water away and it clears. I’m not even sure where I’m at exactly. I don’t care. I just want to be alone.
But I also don’t want to be alone.
It doesn’t make any sense, but what about life does? It sure isn’t fair, that's for certain. I wish it was, but it isn’t. That doesn’t stop me from envying those who know what they want and go after it. The type of person who sees potential, even in themselves, and reaches for it. Who doesn’t allow those voices in their head to pull them backward. The type of person who doesn’t let their body, no matter how broken, have the last say.
How do they do it?
The light changes and I press the accelerator. Rain pelts the glass harder as I take off down a tiny street between old buildings and powerlines. The clouds seem low, casting an oppressive dullness over me, releasing my tears.
I swear that every time I get anywhere close to happiness, anywhere near feeling worth someone else’s gaze, I do something that proves that side of my brain I hate right. I don’t want it to be right, but it is. It’s like I’m hardwired to make life difficult, to make the wrong choices, to hurt people and to be hurt. I have to stop doing that to people, but does that mean there will always be something missing inside me?
I know what I want, what I need to fill that space, but I can’t. How’s the saying go? “If you love someone let them go,” right? Well, I love him. I’ve loved him for a long time I think. I just haven’t had the courage to admit it to myself, never mind tell him. And now I never will. I’ve ignored him for days now. I’ve been cruel. I’ve let him pour his heart out and left it to sit in the digital eternity of my phone. I can’t fix that now. It’s too late. I don’t…
My music from the playlist he sent me dims and my phone rings. I glance down quick enough to see who’s calling. It’s Samantha. I reject the call, again. I don’t want to talk about it. I know she’s going to bringhimup. I just can’t do it right now.
Instead I take the next right onto a road that looks sort of familiar, but I’m not sure why. I don’t come this way often and I’m still not certain where I’m at. I just don’t want to be at the dorm, and I need to avoid campus. The last thing I need is to run intohim, so a run wasn’t an option even if it weren’t raining. And I don’t want to bother Aidan with all my moping. He’s dealt with it enough, like a champ actually, but he deserves a break…from me. Hell, I wishIcould take a break from me.
How I wish I could jump back ten years. To that time when I wasn’t sick, when boys were the last thing on my mind…and I had a mom. To that time when I just lived. Back when things were simple and a smile didn’t need a reason. Why did I ever want to grow up?
Wait. I know why this road looks familiar.
Trees cross overhead and old mill houses pass by on the right. I squint through the rain trailing my windows. I can see the brick buildings coming up on the left and then the cute little white coffee shop. The same one I took Paul to for trivia.
A smile cracks the downward turn of my lips as flashes of that evening play like a movie in my mind. The excitement in his eyes when theSchitt’s Creekround started. The way I lit up when he held my hand. The smell of his body—leather and sage—and taste of his lips when he kissed me in the car. The smile on his face.
I want him so badly. But I don’t deserve him.
Do I?
Paul
Family
LILY: Heard you’re back in town. Want new ink?
PAUL: wtf! how did you know that?
PAUL: i’ve been here for, like, three hours
LILY: I have sources.
PAUL: i’m gonna kill him
LILY: So???
