Page 87 of This I Promise You
because i didn’t understand.
i had high hopes for us.
whispering your name thrice in my sleep,
staring at my broken face in the bathroom mirror
as the tears that rolled down my cheeks
shattered the bowl of my porcelain sink
from the weight of my heavy heart.
but it’s nothing…
because our love story was only in our dreams.
PAUL: easton, please don’t let our love story be only in my dreams.
I brace my head against the wall in the bathroom stall and breathe away the tears. Fuck me. I don’t want him to be just a dream, a thing of my past. But what else can it be?
Paul
Fucking Monster
The last time I stepped foot in Missouri was the day after classes ended this past December, four months ago. I packed everything I owned into my car and hightailed it out, never looking back. So returning here to the source of all the pain and anguish I’ve been through hasn’t exactly put me in the best headspace. I’ve been antsy all day and I can’t sit still. Huxley stopped asking what was wrong hours ago. I think she gets it; she gets me. She’s been such a good friend as I’ve tried to keep my mind from spiraling.
When I brought this whole trip idea up to her she was reluctant at first. She said I might be making a rash decision, but when I told her I needed my family with me, she was on board. I thank God for her and Easton and Dr. Orleen because I would not be able to do any of this without them. Even if Easton won’t answer any of my texts right now. He’s the whole reason I’m even doing this, and although I’m nervous, I’m grateful to him.
Easton thinks he doesn’t deserve me, I’m sure of it, but…it’s I who don’t deserve him. I’ve been awful, and it’s time I cut my own bullshit. I just gotta do the work, right? I gotta work this shit out with my family in order to heal, in order to move on, right?
Jace still hasn’t responded, but I think he forgot that I can see his location on SnapChat. I haven’t really needed to check it until now though. He’s going to be pissed when we just show up tomorrow. He’ll get over it because I’m not leaving this fucking state without fixing this shit. He’s my brother and used to be my best friend. I need him and I miss him and the rest of my siblings, but I’m starting with him.
Oh God, please give me strength to deal with this bullshit.
We’ve been in Kansas City for about an hour now and we are walking around the Country Club Plaza—it’s like a high-end outdoor shopping and restaurant area—while I show her all the amazing fountains scattered throughout. Maybe we’ll do some shopping. I don’t know, anything to take my mind off the endless possibilities that tomorrow could bring.
“Ya know, Kansas City has more than 200 fountains both big and small. The art and architecture of it all is why I loved growing up here. The Midwest sucks, but KCMO is really pretty. Just wait until we go to the Nelson-Atkins Museum.”
“Oh yay! I love a good museum.” Huxley morphs into London Tipton again.
“Actually let’s head there now and then we can grab some—” But I stop short because my phone just went off. It could be Jace. It could be Easton.
But it’s just Instagram. Shit.
I’ve texted Jace nearly ten times and nothing. I texted Easton more than that. I don’t care if I look like a bitch, I want my man back. I want my brother back too and I’ll do whatever I gotta do to make it happen. Jace honestly can’t be that pissed at me, but then again, I wouldn’t know because I left and he never responded. I shoot off another text.
“Nothing?” Huxley asks, squeezing my arm and snapping me out of my head before I spiral again.
I pocket my phone. “Nah. Nothing. He’s still at his house though. Not too far from here actually,” I say, leading us down the sidewalk.
“What the hellareyou gonna do about that, anyway? Just show up and hope it’s all brotherly love and Care Bear rainbows?” Huxley asks.
“Uh, yes?” I shrug. “That’s all I’ve got."
“You sure? You don’t sound too sure, bestie.”
“I don’t know, Huxley. I mean I know I left, but other than that, I can’t think of any other reason for him to be mad at me. He’s…” I stop to consider it. “He’s my brother, my best friend. I never meant to leave him or any of them behind.”
