Page 111 of This I Promise You
“You ready?” It’s not a timed game, but I act like it is anyway. Maybe that’ll throw him off.
“Oh yeah, Belle.” He snarls his nose and I just can’t.
No distracting me, Paul! Stop it! I focus on the holes and their point values and assess my best route. The goals get smaller the closer they are to the center or the very top, and the points go up. I think I’m going to play it semi-safe.
“Go!” I yell, and without delay I send the first ball flying up the ramp and watch it swoosh near the middle but miss the thirty-point hole I was aiming for. Instead it rolls into the twenty ring. I don’t wait for the points to hit the scoreboard before going for my second shot. Thirty this time.
Damn. I go to toss my third ball, but I can’t make out the numbers on the goals anymore in my right eye. They’re blurred no matter how many times I blink. A dull pang throbs in my forehead and behind my eyes. I shake my head.Just keep going.I close the blurred eye, but it throws off my aim. I’m lucky to hit anything. I throw my last and it’s the fifth ten in a row.
“What was that about beating me?” Paul rings victorious. “Guess I’m not so bad at these games like you thought. Ha!”
“Ha, yeah. I guess maybe not,” I say, all the confidence I had before gone. For a moment I consider acting like nothing’s wrong, like I’m not having any problems. There’s literally nothing he can do anyway, but hiding it from him again, it hurts. I can’t do that. “I swear I’m not being a sore loser here, but my eye is all blurry all of a sudden. I could barely see the board.”
“Oh! It’s happening again? Do we need to go to the doctor? I can get the car.” He’s about to rush out the front door but stops to ask a few more wild questions. “Can you walk? Do you need me to carry you?”
“First, calm down. Please. I’m okay,” I tell him. Yes, my mind is going a hundred miles an hour. I keep wondering if this will be the time my vision goes away and never comes back, but I know what’s happening, so I’m not going to panic. I take a breath and try to smile. “It’s just a little thing, like a couple weeks ago—”
“We need to get you to the hospital, Belle! It can’t be normal that this is happening so frequently.” He starts talking over me, and if it wasn’t for him being worried, it’d piss me off.
“No.” I stop him, putting my hands on his shoulder. “Stop, babe. It’s just a headache and a blurry eye. I’ll call the doctor tomorrow. I promise. I’ve dealt with this before. I’m just stressed with finals coming up or whatever. I’m not going to pass out on you this time. At least I don’t think…”
That last part I probably should have left off. I mean if one thing is for certain it’s that I don’t really know what my body is going to do, but I don’t need him panicking and right now, there’s no reason to.
“But—”
I put my finger to his lips and smile. “It’s okay.”
“Uh…okay.” Paul’s shoulders relax a little and now I have time to think.
And the thoughts flood my mind. I can still “see” but it’s just colors in my right eye. Everything is fine in my left eye. But is it going to stay like that? I’m always worried the clarity isn’t going to return, that I’m going to be stuck with only one good eye forever. But then what if it happens to my left eye too? I don’t want to be blind. I like seeing. I like being able to see Paul’s seafoam-green eyes, his bleached-blonde hair and brown beard. I love to take in the pinkness of his lips and the thickness of his thighs and the way his chest flexes. His tattoos. I don’t want that to be taken away from me.
“You sure you’re okay?” Paul steps closer.
“Sorry.” I realize I’ve drifted away in my head. I say what I’m thinking, even though I know I’m technically okay right now. “I’m scared, Paul.”
His eyes go glassy and he pulls me into a gracious hug. His warmth pulls me closer, and even in this moment when I’m scared of what might be, there’s so much comfort in his arms. I never thought that would actually happen, not for me.
“It’s okay to be scared, baby.” He squeezes me tightly but doesn’t say more right away. Then he kisses my cheek and pulls far enough back to look me in the eye under the neon lights. “I’m scared too, but we’ve got each other, right? I’m going to be here for you no matter what happens, holding your hand all the way through it all. I’ve got you, Belle. But legit, I don’t care if it’s Fun Before Finals. I think we should skip trivia tonight. I don’t care about any of that. You are what matters. Your health. We should really take it easy. Once finals are over two weeks from now, then things will be less stressful. And if you’re feeling up for it we can go to the party Huxley told us about tomorrow night. But we gotta get you in to see the doc just in case.”
I nod and he hugs me again, holding me tight. His words run through my mind, covering up all the horrifying things streaming through my head. They’re just words, and words mean little coming from most people, but I know I can believe him. He’s got me. I know he’ll be there for me.
Paul
I’m Home
I cannot wait until finals are over because this past week of classes and homework and studying as we gear up for them in two weeks has been like living in the absolute depths of hell. Easton’s been doing better since yesterday afternoon, and even though he insisted on going to the party tonight, I’m nervous. I really don’t want to repeat spring break.
“Wait! What thehellare you wearing?” I’m sitting on the couch with Easton asleep on my chest, watching Patrick propose to David, and Huxley walks out of her room dressed like the Scarlet Witch.
She stops. “Uh, a costume. For thecostumeparty we’re going to?”
“Excuse me,what?” I putSchitt’s Creekon pause as Easton stirs from my hysteria.
“You never mentioned it was acostume party. I thought it was just, ya know, a party. A regular old party.”
“Uh, I’m almost entirely certain Imighthave.”
“I’m going to fight you.” I scowl. I don’t have a costume! I can’t go to a costume party without a damn costume.
