Page 83 of This I Promise You
“You okay?” Dad asks, and he does this little sigh at the end.
“Yeah,” I lie, and I think they all know it. Even Boone’s sitting in the corner, his little nut-brown eyes judging me.
Things just haven’t been right since the beach.
It’s not the seizure. I feel much better, and there’s nothing really lingering from it. I wasn’t even concussed from hitting my head. Everything cleared up the next morning, except the fact that it happened, which keeps running through my head alongside how much I don’t deserve Paul. It scared the hell out of me. I didn’t know what was happening, and then I couldn’t control my body anymore. I can’t even explain how it felt, the loss of control, it was…horrifying. I was totally helpless, and I’d put that on my friends.
“You know I can see right through all that, right?” Dad smirks. “I’m sort of your old man.”
“Me too.” Sam raises her hand with a knowing glare.
“Yeah, yeah,” I sigh. “I…I just feel stupid.”
Dad cocks his head.
“Could’ve told you that years ago.” Sam sticks out her tongue and pats Denver on the head. I think he likes her more than me now.
Dad gives her a look, but it lets me laugh a little. She might be older than me, but we’re both children at heart when we’re in the same room. Not sure that’ll ever change, don’t really want it to.
“Yeah.” I shrug it off, trying to keep a smile on my face. “I mean, just being so helpless. It feels wrong. And I don’t know if I can face Paul again after that.”
“Face him?” Dad looks confused.
I feel dirty, so dirty.
He was so open to me. He told me his problems, the demons in his past and in his head. Paul bared his soul to me and did what he needed to make things right, to make them work, to help himself and to be there for me.
What did I do? I hid.
And what’s worse? I knew I should tell him. I knew he’d find out one day, but I was scared. Now he knows, and I’m scared to face him. I made it all about me, and what I said on the phone…it was so stupid. He trusted me, but I couldn’t trust him enough to tell him everything. I even told him he could trust me, that I’d be there for him no matter what. And I meant it. I did, but I wasn’t willing to let him do the same.
And what he said on the phone, it was just…cruel. It felt like the old Paul. The man I remember before he opened up to me, when I couldn’t stand him. That abrasive and mean person, but I also know him better than that. But does that mean I can excuse it, that it’s okay?
I don’t know.
And I don’t want to be the boyfriend he has to worry about. If I’m honest, part of me wasn’t sure he’d want me anymore if he knew. Who wants a partner you know probably isn’t going to live as long as you, or you know is going to need extra help in the future?
I think I was wrong though. He keeps texting and trying to call, but I haven’t answered yet. I just can’t get myself to do it. This isn’t how I wanted him to find out. It’s not the way I wanted it to go, and now I’m mortified.
“Yeah. He didn’t know that I’m…sick,” I tell Dad and Sam. “He had no idea.”
“Huh?” Sam nearly gasps.
Instead of answering, I shove my fork into the cake and take a bite. It’s my favorite, red velvet. I focus on its sweetness a moment before answering. Mom used to make these for me before I came out, when she was actually a mom. Now Sam does.
“I hadn’t told him yet.” I sling my head back in self-disgust. “I know I should have. I know that now, but I just felt like he’d not want me anymore if he knew, you know? Like I’d be a burden.”
“If he loves you, you won’t be a burden, Easton,” Dad says slowly.
“But that’s how Ifeel.”
The table goes quiet. There’s no answer to that. It’s something I have to deal with and I know it.
“Have you talked to him since…you know,” Sam breaks the silence.
I shrug and shake my head.
“Why not?” She doesn’t stop.
