Page 73 of Storm Warning
He didn’t act on it when Hannah gave him her number. It’s not like she knew anything about him when she did it, though, and honestly had she not done that, I might not have seen my interest in him. But this is different. It doesn’t matter if this girl knows I exist, becausehedoes.
I can’t tell if I’m furious at myself or him. Or whether or not I have the right to be. This could all just be for fun. We never outwardly said it was anything more, anyway. And maybe I’m overthinking what I’m feeling witness to. Maybe it’s nothing and I’m just being dramatic.
The girl leans against the wall, peering up at him. I want him to walk away, I want to see her sad. I wish he didn’t give her the light of day, but he’s polite by nature. The man makes everyone feel like a life-long friend and my insecurity over it feels off. I have to be wrong. He isn’t doing anything, this is just a worry my dad created. Not all men are unfaithful. Not all men are liars.
I want to be convinced that my fears don’t stem from him. To reassure myself that I wouldn’t allow someone in who doesn’t deserve to be. After all the shit I’ve been through, I know the signs of who not to trust. Don’t I?
I look over his mannerisms, dissecting every movement he makes, hoping he will look around searching for me, but he doesn’t. He places his other hand on his hip, nodding as shetalks, and I consider walking over to interrupt their conversation. His smile beams, as it always does, while she laughs and tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. I find her annoying and that move to be unoriginal.
I cross my arms, grasping tighter than I meant to, almost as if to give myself the hug I long for in this moment, hoping that my worry will disappear along with it. The longer I watch, the more in my head I become.
Men have always let me down. This time isn’t going to be different, and I’m stupid for believing it would be. Cowboy charisma, that’s what they do, and my dumb ass fell for it with little to no hesitation.
They laugh again, because,of course,they do. I look around, hoping to find Daisy’s, but it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. Who would think finding a girl in a bright red dress would be so hard? My hands start to feel clammy as I look down at my feet, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath before releasing it slowly.
Why do I keep finding myself here? Interest only ever blooming with the wrong people? I’m not trying to solve my Daddy issues, and I sure as hell am not going to wind up like Mom. I’m not a buckle bunny, I’m not some big-boobed bimbo whose only hangup from being at the Playboy mansion is some deep rooted desire for a man in a cowboy hat. Yet here I am, dressed as an angel, looking like one. Maybe this is all just me being pathetic. Trying to fill a hole that my piece of shit father created, and the more I focus on it the more I want to scream.
I don’t think there’s a single good man out there, at least not one for me. They make everyone feel special until they truly should be and that’s when they decide you’re not. They get whatever it is they were searching for and then they leave or give you a reason to. The story’s never different and I’m dumb as fuck for believing otherwise.
My gaze returns back to Rhett, and I watch as she wraps her arms around him in a tight embrace.
Tears blur my eyes as they begin to trickle down my cheeks. I remind myself of where my mother ended up and why I never wanted to wind up being her carbon copy. Taking one more look at them, I decide it’s best to do what I always do. Save myself, because no one else will. Apparently not even a man who prides himself on being Prince Charming.
I rush through the crowd, doing my best not to bump into anyone or cause a scene. Which proves rather hard with the massive wings I decided to wear. My car comes into view and I find relief in its safety as I slam the door behind me. Years of dampening how I’ve felt now flood in, like the dam I’ve built so high finally shattering.
Brokenness consuming me, and for the first time, I let it.
I could always feel this, I just never allowed myself to. I’ve lived my entire life with a broken heart. One that glue couldn’t fix no matter how many times I tried to put the pieces together. So I stopped trying and told myself I would be fine. And it’s weird, because I always imagined this feeling to be different. I imagined it would be something I could see a mile away. Some grand situation creating the crumble. But it wasn’t. It was a series of moments that led to my fall. Most small, and if separate, those situations probably wouldn’t have done much to the permanent ache that now resides in me, but together they ironically form something whole—the pieces I now can’t fit back together all thrown in a box I pretend is strength.
A strength that I’ve thought could get through even the quickest of sands. But as each soul crushing moment rises, I feel myself sink deeper. I wish for nothing more than someone to throw me a lifeline, and I thought Rhett was that. But after seeing that girl touch him, I know I’m wrong.
And it’s funny, isn’t it? How those we hold so close to our hearts are ultimately the ones who break us? Who lead usdown a path of salvation right before the devastation that ultimately drowns us?
I’ve questioned all my life how someone who was only ever meant to love us eventually is the very reason we can’t even love ourselves. And this might have started with my dad, but I’m ending it here and now with Rhett.
We’re done.
45
RHETT - OCTOBER 30, 2004
What just happened?
I watch Kaylee from across the yard, scowling in my direction before stalking away, and for the first time since meeting her, it doesn’t feel good to watch her go. It stings and I’m not sure what the fuck to do.
I knew I should have taken her aside. Was she really that upset? Did I do something else? I pan over every second we have been together today, trying to find the flaw, trying to pinpoint whatever it was that could have been read wrong.
I glance back at Danielle and then it hits me.
Fuck. She saw us hug. Pretty damning evidence of a problem, even though it ain’t one.
“It was nice to see ya again, Danielle, I’m glad to see ya doin’ better. You’ll have to excuse me, but I gotta go find my girl.”
“Thank you again for helping me see that Jordan isn’t for me. I know I should’ve seen it on my own, but I’ve been so much happier without him. Especially now with someone who treats me better.” She smiles at me but my concentration is now fully pointed elsewhere.
So much so, that I nearly forget to acknowledge her. “Don’t mention it. We’ll have to come find ya later so you can meet Kaylee. See ya around.”
I start to shift toward the crowd and am met with two familiar faces.
