Page 85 of He Loves Me Not
“You know, I told my friend not long ago that I have discovered I am very suggestible. It wassuggestedto me some woman in my store was flirting with me, and I created this whole possibility around that. Just out of thin air. And if it had never been mentioned, I probably wouldn’t be standing here, because I wouldn’t have thought about you a second time after you walked out of my shop. It wassuggestedto me that I forgive the person who put me out of business, who, coincidentally, is that same woman from the first story. And low and behold, my stupid snake brain latched onto that.”
He stopped, breathing hard. Sumi felt rooted to the spot, unable to even breathe.
“But I don’t know if I can forgive the person who didn’t invitemeto her tea ceremony, because she was inviting some other jerk. I don’t know if I can forgive myfriendfor not telling me the truth, however long ago she figured out whatever the truth is. I don’t know if I can forgive being played with, like a puppet. Going through the motions, but not in on the joke. I can forgive a lot, Sumi. But I don’t know if I can forgive that.”
She couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. She would turn to stone here in this spot, in her shop, a cautionary tale of girl bossing too close to the sun, of being careless with a delicate heart, one she ought to have handled with gentler hands.But he's here. He wouldn't be here if there was no chance at fixing things.
"Why . . . why did you come here? Why here, of all places? Why meet me at my sweatshop?”
He laughed tonelessly. "I knew your car was here. I figured you'd come back." He paused, long and loaded. "I was going to go in. I wrestled with myself over it all morning. I wanted to throw your little invitation away, delete your number block you everywhere. I really wanted to, because howdareyou. Fuck you, Sumi." His eyes pinned her to the spot, glimmering black and full of hurt, and she hated herself for putting it there. "You're careless and selfish, and I really,reallywant to hate you. But I —" He broke off, swallowing hard, looking away again.
Sumi understood. It was hard to put aside the relationship they'd shared as two anonymous strangers, so much healthier than the tentative truce they'd created in person, full of false starts and disappointment.
"I made it all the way to the door. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't face you. How long have you known?” His voice was low and defeated, andthatshook her to move more than anything she might have felt for herself. She hated hearing that tone fromhim. “Have you known from the beginning? Has this all been one big game?”
“No. Ranar,please.“ There were tears in her eyes when she crossed to him. She tried to remember his mother’s words — his anger burned hot and bright and was always short-lived.This, though, was an entirely different kind of anger. Angled away from, looking at the wall, the floor, anywhere but here. This was a cold smolder, and she wasn’t sure if they could survive it.But he's here. He wouldn't have come if he was done..“I’ve only known for a bit.”
“Howlong?”
Sumi winced as he snapped. She would freeze to death in this cold. Scorching anger was far preferable to this.
“Since just before that day in the rain.” His eyes flicked to hers, full of hurt and recrimination.That day in the rain that changed everything. “The afternoon I came to your shop. That night. I figured it out. I'd joined the owners' coalition server. I wanted to sabotage you, but then when I clicked on your name . . . I figured it out then."
He didn’t pull away when she stepped into his space, laying hand on his arm. He was still avoiding her eye, but this was it, she realized, her chance to shoot her shot, and likely the only one chance she would get. If he left this afternoon still her adversary, that was all they would ever be, and this whole life changing journey would have been for nothing.Maybe it’s you. Maybe you’re the reason things are like this. Maybe you’re just unloveable.
“I didn’t mean to mislead you. I didn’t knowhowto tell you. Either of you. If you only believe one thing, please believe that. Ineverwanted to hurt you.“ The tears overflowed, and she didn’t bother to wipe them away. “How could I? You’re the most important person in my life. You have been for months.” He pulled away, but didn’t shrug off her arm. Sumi tightened hergrip, refusing to let go. “If you can forgive the person that put you out of business, how could you not forgivemefor this teensy little thing? Didn’tImean more to you than that? Becauseshe’sguilty of fucking up your life. The only thing I’m guilty of is falling in love with you.”
Ranar snorted, a disgusted shake of his head, but still didn’t pull away. It was the best warming she was going to get.
“Is-is Ruma home with your mom?”
He looked away. She couldfeelthe pain in his eyes without needing him to answer. He telegraphed his emotions so clearly, and Sumi couldn’t understand how there hadn’t been someone to come along all those years and appreciate what a precious gift that was.Your gain.
“She left yesterday. I don’t know which of us was more upset. It makes me question ifanyof this is good for her . . .”
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that you’re in pain and that you didn’t have anyone to share it with. I told my friend online he needed to find someone who would take care of him. I want tobethat person, Ranar. Here, in the flesh. And that’s what I intend on doing. So if you can forgive that bitch who put you out of business, can’t you forgive me? The one who wants to take care of you? Oh, how I wish you would.”
He pulled away from her at last, a slow serpentine away, across the room to the coolers, away from her grasp.That's that. You did this to yourself. You should have learned to bloom where you planted instead of running away. Instead, you ruined a bunch of lives for no good reason, including your own chance at happiness.
"You told me once," he started suddenly, "that you thought maybe you were the reason for all the unhappiness in your life. That maybe things were like that because of you."
He'd picked a helluva time to be a mind reader, she thought, tears still slipping down her face, soaking into the neckline of her dress.
"And you are." At that, Ranar finally turned to face her. "You're a fucking menace, Sumi. You've been the arbiter of disaster in my life from the moment you came stumbling into it." He twisted before her, faster than his size should have allowed, never not shocking her, but now he faced her, his coils shifting beneath him to propel him forward. "But in that same conversation, I told you that I thought maybe everything going wrong in my life was because of me. Because I'm just unlovable."
"That's not true at all." Her voice was little more than a whisper, all the fight in her gone. "You'resoeasy to love."
She would never be able to stay here, knowing that he was so close and yet so closed off to her. She didn't think her heart could bear it.You ruin things wherever you go. There's only one common denominator.
"But if I'm wrong about that—" He was suddenly right there, swaying before her, hooking his finger with hers — "Then what else am I wrong about? Because Iwantto believe you . . ."
Her heart beat wildly, and she was once again possessed of that overinflated feeling, as if she might go floating away. She hooked an arm around his neck to tether herself to the ground and then a second, and still he did not pull away. Ranar was silent, and for a long, echoing moment, she wondered if she would be left standing here alone after all, watching him slither out of her life for good. When he finally met her eyes, they were glossy.
“I am going to developveryexpensive tastes, I will have you know. So just prepare yourself.”
Her own eyes blurred, fresh tears falling anew.It had always been him. “Only the best chili ingredients for my baby.” The tip of his tail hooked around her ankle, a shackle she was glad towear. “I’d like to ask you out," she began. "Because we need to do this properly. I don't know you and you don't know me. We're two strangers, who've met on chance."
"Chance. Yeah, I like that better already."
"A real date," she went on, ignoring his dig with a smile, "for two people who have never completed this rite of relationship passage together. You can tell me about your interests, and I’ll tell you about mine. What books I love, what music you loathe. We'll commiserate over the scourge of well-meaning friends. And we’ll both hide the fact that we’re plant nerds until at least the third date, when it’s safe to start letting our guards down.”
“If you ask Grace, I act like I’ve never been on a date before, so I can’t promise I’ll know the rules.”
Sumi beamed, stretching up on her toes, pressing the ghost of a kiss against his lips. “Well, I have the experience for both of us. We’ll start with coffee. Then maybe dinner or drinks . . . For as long as we both shall live.”
