Page 90 of Up In Flames
“Yes, I can! I need to kiss you. Don't you get it? I need your help, Vexen. Yes, I'm going to stumble and maybe even cry, and I know that's not the most romantic way for us to fall in love, but this is what I need right now. I'm sorry that you have to be the man who goes through this with me, and that we didn't start sooner. I'm sorry that I'm broken and I'm counting on you to put me back together. It's unfair. I have four other men for that. They should fix me, right? You and I should be carefree. We shouldn't have anything hanging above our heads when we have our first kiss. But this is my life. This is my love life. There is always something hanging over it. And I understand if it's toomuch for you, if you're changing your mind about me now. I get it. But, please, don't, Vexen. I need you. I—”
The plates went tumbling to the ground, our mugs spilling into the snow as Vexen yanked me into his arms and kissed me. At the first touch of his lips, my body rebelled. It didn't feel right. My mind flooded with images of my lovers and especially Ara. But then the feel of Vexen registered. The plushness of his lips, so soft against mine. The hardness of his chest beneath my hands. The steady thumping of his heart. He was real and warm and he wanted me despite everything. And I wanted him too. Beneath the pain and broken pieces of my heart, I wanted Vexen. Desire rose with healing heat, summoning strength from my body.
“Ember,” Vexen murmured against my lips and yanked me onto his lap. He kissed along my jaw, then nibbled at my throat.
Head lolling, I writhed on Vexen's lap, my hands sliding over his shoulders and through his hair. The cold didn't bother me anymore. It vanished under Vexen's hot hands. They slid over my back, digging into my muscles, then curved around my hips. He pulled me closer. Our erections clashed. Pleasure zinged up my spine.
“More,” I whispered to the white sky. “More.”
Vexen's teeth nibbled at my nipples through my tunic, and I cried out, holding his head to me. He pulled the hem out of my belt and shoved it up, revealing my chest. With a growl, he latched onto a nipple and sucked at me hard.
“Vexen,” I panted. “Thank you. Oh, fuck. Yes. This is what I need.” I reached between us, unbuttoned my pants, and yanked down my shorts.
My cock popped free. Vexen breathed in sharply and leaned back to look at it. My tunic flopped down, pooling around my shaft. Heat wafted between us, caught by the flaps of our cloaks. And there, amid all that dark, winter fabric, was my pale flesh, blushed pink at the tip. It was so erotic that I shuddered.
Vexen met my stare as he wrapped his hand around my cock. I gasped and canted my hips into his grip. But he only tucked me back into my shorts.
“Vexen,” I pleaded.
“No, Ember. This is not what you need. You can get this from your lovers, but I'm not one of them yet.”
“I want you to be.”
Vexen shuddered, his jaw clenching and his eyes closing. When he opened them, his stare skittered over my face. “I want that too. But I won't take you like this. It would only be taking. For both of us.”
“I thought you understood,” I whispered.
He grabbed my jaw and forced me to meet his stare. “I do. I understand you and I know what you need. It isn't this, Ember.” He slid his hand down to press over my heart. “It's this.” He rubbed me gently there, then nuzzled my lips with his. “It's this,” he spoke against my lips. Then he pulled me into an embrace that pressed our chests tightly together. “It'sthis.”
This time, our kiss blasted me out of my broken heart. Out of sadness altogether. It took me into another world,another realm. As Death had done for Ara and me, but in a pure way. There was no death in Vexen. Only life. Spirit. And my heart ran to his light.
My light,Ara whispered in my mind.
Don't worry, my love,I sent my thoughts to Aranren.I will not forget you, not even when I'm with another. It's all to bring me back to you. But I can't disrespect this incredible man either. I will give him my love, unite our strength, and save you. But to do that, I must let you go. Just for a little while.
Ara's presence drifted down, into my heart to nestle beside the cords that bound me to Xaedren, Ratharin, Keltyr, and Taroc. So much love, and yet there was room for more. I poured my hope into Vexen but also my affection. It may not be love yet, but it would be. I knew it would.
A rumble vibrated through Vexen's chest, pleased and possessive. He eased out of our kiss to say, “I know your heart is bleeding. And I know you're desperate to heal it, desperate to save the man you love. I know I'm a weapon to you, a way for you to get stronger. But I'm also a balm, and I will gladly help you heal. I don't care if it's not romantic or if you cry when you kiss me. Go ahead and weep, Ember. I will lick up your tears and savor the salt on my tongue. Because I know that it's me who will lead you past them. Me, Ember.Iwill give you what no one else can.”
“Vexen,” I whispered, feeling the balm of his love already. This man truly did know what I needed. He had hinted at the passion we could have, but wouldn't let me succumb to it. Not yet. Because it wasn't worthy of us yet. It needed to mature. “Thank you.”
“I'll be what you need, Ember. As long as you see me. Look at me as you do now, knowing it's me who holds you, and I will help you through this. Just don't look away.”
“I see you, Vexen.” I slid my hand back along his jaw. “Great Goddess, how did I miss all of this?”
“Fuck if I know,” Vexen drawled.
We laughed together. Laughed and laughed until I crumpled into his arms. Vexen settled me across his lap and within his cloak, then we looked at the mess around us.
“It's a miracle the blanket didn't land on the brazier and catch fire,” I said.
“It would have been funny if it had,” Vexen said.
“I don't know if I would have noticed.” I smiled at him, feeling the healing settle in.
Vexen's balm hadn't been a brief flare that receded like the tide. In that short period, he had given me something lasting. And I wanted to create something lasting with him. Thank the Goddess, he had stopped us from going too far. I was pushing things, so desperate to save Ara that I was hurting my chances with Vexen. But he knew. And he didn't judge me for it. He just slowed us down and refocused me. In short, Vexen was exactly what I needed and even what I wanted.
“Vexen,” I said.
