Page 27 of Inseparable
Not like that.
I fucking freaked. Lost my control and gave into my all-consuming need for her, but it wasn’t the right time. I wasn’t supposed to make my move until I was worthy of her, until it was safe to declare my feelings, but, damn, the way she looked at me that night—like she wanted to eat me alive—blasted every logical thought straight out of my head.
No one has ever looked at me like that—with a combination of lust, love, and adoration—and it was like being struck by a bolt of lightning, a blast of pure goodness straight through my darkened heart. I’ve always suspected she returned my feelings, but I didn’t know for sure, not until recently, because she’s usually so cagey around me, purposely hiding her true feelings for fear of messing up what the three of us have, I guess. But she lost the battle that night, and the love and longing in her eyes tore down my barricade, and I was helpless to resist.
One taste. One touch. I told myself it was okay to be selfish one time and then I’d try my best to explain it without ruining the promise of forever. Thank God, she mentioned the bruise. It was the reminder I needed. If she hadn’t, I would have taken her, and it would’ve been so much harder to walk away.
I want to tell her how much she means to me—how I love her dangerously, compulsively, addictively, more than it feels normal to love another person. I want to promise her I’ll be hers when the time is right, because she deserves the entire world and I’m not able to give that to her yet.
But I fucked up again. Because I should’ve talked to her the very next day, instead of chickening out of it, going to extremes to avoid her. Fact is, I was shitting myself. Terrified I was too weak to resist and not strong enough to do what needed to be done. I thought there’d be time, but there wasn’t. There isn’t.
I’m all out of time, and I’ve no one to blame but myself.
I destroyed everything tonight, and I’ll be lucky if she ever speaks to me again. Not only that, but I’ve isolated Ayden too. He’ll never forgive me if I’ve ruined his football career, and I won’t be able to live with myself if I’ve taken his future.
I grip the edge of the sink and look away from the mirror, sickened at the sight of myself. A tornado of emotion is choking me from the inside out. I slump to the floor, burying my head in my hands.What the fuck haveI done?
I know Ayden won’t ever forgive me for the way I treated Ange. Hell, I’ll never forgive myself.
She wasn’t supposed to be there. She hardly ever goes to parties, and Ayd’s not overly fond of them either. This is totally not their scene.Why the fuck were they there?I lie on my side, dragging my hands through my hair. Shit, shit, shit.What the hell am I going to do?
I shouldn’t have gone partying last night. Not when my emotions were brewing in a whirlwind of my own making. Watching Ayden and Ange whisper sweet nothings to one another across the table, during Thanksgiving dinner, wheneveryonewas watching, broke something inside me. I don’t know if she did it on purpose to hurt me back, or if she genuinely loves him too, or if I simply pushed her into his arms with my rejection, but the futility and helplessness needed an outlet, and I found myself in my truck, driving to Zach’s without making any conscious decision to go there.
I lost all semblance of reality after my tenth beer and my third joint. When Becky approached me, I honestly had no idea who she was. My vision was hazy, my brain whacked, and I could hardly stand up straight. All I knew was I needed to lose myself in a warm body. To fuck the recklessness out of my mind. If I’d known who she was, I never would’ve gone there. Not in a million years. She’s tried to get her claws in me for years, and I’ve grown adept at rejecting her advances. I’ve always known I was a challenge she wanted to conquer purely to mess with Ange’s head.
Tonight, I fucked up spectacularly, and I’m terrified there’s no coming back from it. Although I’ve spent years purposely staying away from Ange, I don’t know if I can do it anymore. I’m tired of fighting my feelings for her, even if I know it has to be like this.
Maybe, in some warped way, what happened tonight was for the best.
Where I fail, I think she’ll succeed. I saw the look on her face when she told me I was dead to her. If I’m not strong enough to stay away, I think she’s strong enough to keep me at arm’s length.
That should make me happy because it’ll ensure she’s safe.
But it feels like I’ve died. Like the only part of myself that was good, the part that existed purely for her, has flittered away like dust in the wind, and now all I’m left with is ugliness and an empty void in the place where my heart should be.
It’s nothing less than I deserve. I hate myself for what I did tonight, and it’ll be a cold day in hell before I find any peace, let alone forgiveness.
I cringe as I recall the shit that came out of my mouth. And we had an audience. It’s bad enough that Becky heard me spewing all that crap, but half our senior class did too. I dishonored Ange, and I’ll never be able to take that back. All because I was pissed and hurting and drunk and confused. I lashed out at the one person who has always been my savior. My guardian angel. My greatest defender. My staunchest supporter.
The girl I have loved from the time I understood what that word meant.
I have hurt her beyond comprehension, and the devastated look in her eyes will stay with me forever. I might as well have reached inside and torn her heart clear from her chest. A sharp ache slays me on the inside, and I curl into a ball as a tear slips out of my eye.
Why didI do it?
I try to imagine what it’d be like to walk in on some blockhead fucking Ange senseless, and whatever semblance of control I have left explodes as rage and jealousy pummel my insides. I’ve no Goddamned right to feel like this, and if it’s even a glimpse of what she’s feeling right now, then I know there’s no coming back from this.
I’ve ruined us.
I always knew this was coming.
That the time would come when she had to pick one of us, because I know Ayden’s in love with her too. Not that he’s ever admitted it to me, but I know that’s why he’s been so secretive lately.
I’d been a cocky jerk. Believing it would be me. But tonight, I’ve sealed my fate. She’ll run straight into his arms, and I’ll have sent her there.
I’ve lost my two best friends and the love of my life, and I can’t blame anyone but myself.
I deserve the world of pain coming my way. I deserve to rot in a cesspit of unhappiness for the rest of my life for ruining the most perfect girl to ever grace the planet.
