Page 108 of Inseparable
My heart is thrashing around in my chest as I walk to her side and cautiously sit down.
“Before I show you this, I need you to understand something. I was wrong to keep my pregnancy from you, to keep our son from you. I wish I had made better decisions, but I was in agony, Devin, and not thinking straight. I thought the pain I felt after Ayden’s death was the worst pain I’d ever felt, but I was wrong, because it paled in comparison to the pain and grief I felt after the loss of our son. After DJ died, I pretty much gave up on life. Not a single day passed where I wasn’t consumed with thoughts of him. His beautiful little face was the first image I saw in my mind’s eye when I woke every morning and the last vision before I fell asleep at night. It got to the point where I feared going to bed and I hated waking up because the pain was too much. I couldn’t bear it.” She runs a hand over her chest. “His loss accelerated my downward spiral, and I sunk into a deep depression. I started drinking again, and drink was the only thing getting me through each day.”
An errant sob flies out of her mouth, and she looks away, her eyes burning with years of self-loathing and pain. Tentatively, I place my arm around her shoulder, and when she looks up at me with so much vulnerability and pain, more of my anger fades, helping to put things in a different perspective. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted last week. It was such a shock, and it was hurt speaking. I hate that you went through all that alone, that I wasn’t there to support you with it, and I know you would never consciously exclude me. And it’s not like I haven’t made plenty of mistakes. That I don’t have my own dark secrets. I had no right to judge you as I did, and I’m sorry.”
She smiles, but it’s sad. “It’s okay. I totally get it, and I don’t blame you for your reaction.” She leans in, kissing my cheek, and I hold her to me for a couple seconds. She pulls back. “I have something to show you.” Drawing a deep breath, she opens the box carefully, and my heart starts pounding anxiously. She removes a small bunch of photos and hands them to me. Tears are streaming down her face. “I got the nurse to take some pictures because I didn’t want to forget what he looked like.”
With shaking hands, I look through the pictures. “My God,” I exclaim, running my finger over the image. He looks so small, but so perfectly formed. His dark hair is thick. I don’t know much about newborns but I didn’t think they had that much hair. His eyes are closed, and he’s resting in Ange’s arms, as if he’s asleep. The devastation on her face is plain to see, and walls come crashing down around me.
“What color were his eyes?” I whisper, flipping to another photo. This one is of my son on his own, swaddled in a pristine white blanket, tucked neatly in a crib.
“Green,” she rasps, snuffling. “He was all you, Devin. I didn’t recognize a bit of myself in him.”
Intense pain explodes in my stomach, and I can scarcely speak. “Where is he buried?”
“In the local cemetery. I can take you, if you want.”
I find myself nodding, and we leave her apartment, making the short fifteen-minute journey to his graveside in silence. When I see his name in big letters on the tombstone, I fall apart, collapsing on my knees in front of my son’s grave as shuddering sobs wrack my entire body. Ange is crying beside me too, and I reach for her, pulling her into my arms. We cling to one another, on our knees, crying rivers.
I don’t know how long we stay there, but it’s getting dark by the time we’ve both stopped crying. I stand up, pulling her with me. I brush the dirt off the knees of her jeans. “It’s not your fault he’s dead, and I don’t want you to blame yourself. I spoke to the doctors this week.”
“You did?”
I nod. “Nate didn’t find anything on our son when he conducted his initial investigation, but I’m guessing you know that.” She nods her head curtly. “You paid someone to bury the records, didn’t you?” Again, another terse nod. “It’s okay. I know you did that to protect me.”
“I did,” she says in a meek voice. “I knew there was a chance you’d find me one day, and I didn’t want you finding out about DJ from anyone but me.”
“I appreciate that. I’d hate to have found out in such a brutal way.” Air whooshes out of my mouth, and my chest feels tight. “Anyway, I’ve done a lot of soul searching this past week, and Nate dug deeper, and we found the hospital records, so I paid a visit.”
She looks petrified, and I pull her into my arms, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “It’s okay, baby. They said no one knows definitively why these things happen, and that it wasn’t anything you did. He did have a heart defect, but it was as a result of a chromosomal abnormality that could not have been prevented, and that’s what killed him. You arenotresponsible for his death.”
She breaks down again in my arms, and I hold her close, tears stinging the backs of my eyes. No one should have to endure the suffering she’s endured.
When her crying subsides, I take her hand and lead her back to the car. Once she’s settled in, I buckle myself into my seat, but I don’t start the engine. I look over at her, at the woman I’ve loved virtually my whole life, and I’m so tired of all the hurting and the pain. I hate the mistakes she’s made, but I know she was trying to do what she thought was right, and I also know she wasn’t in the right frame of mind to make good decisions. I’ve known her since she was a little kid, and she’s inherently good. She’s just lost her way. We both have, but I want to make it right. There will be time to work through all our issues, and I believe we can do it, because I love her enough to find a way to get through it. I take her hands in mine. “I forgive you. For everything.”
She eyes me warily. “How can you?”
“Because I love you.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“No, it’s not. Nothing about us has ever been simple, but I love you enough to keep fighting, if you can promise to do the same.”
“This here,” she whispers, fighting tears again. “This is what I mean. I’m not worthy of you.”
“You’ve made some shitty decisions, Ange, but you’re still you. You’re still the same sweet girl I fell in love with all those years ago.”
She swipes at her tears, and a look of defiance crosses her face. “Devin, I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but you are the only man I’ve ever loved like this. The only one I ever will. I’ll love you until my dying breath.”
I pull her over into my lap, wrapping my arms around her, and some of the stress releases. We’ve a huge way to go, but I have faith in us.
Faith that love will be enough this time.
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
Angelina
I pack up the rest of my stuff over the next couple days and stop by the diner to say goodbye to Cara and the girls. Devin has already made arrangements for my apartment and my car to be sold, so there’s little left for me here now. I don’t like leaving our son behind, but Devin assures me he’ll find a way to bring him closer.
