Page 82 of Inseparable
“Honey, I’m so sorry. There’s no easy way to say this.” She breaks down, crying down the line, and I’m already crying even though she hasn’t spoken the words.
“No, Mom, no. Please, no.” My vision turns blurry with tears.
“Ayden’s gone, baby. He’s passed away. You need to come home.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
“No! No!” I wail. “He can’t be dead!” Sobs burst free of my soul, and an anguished scream rips from my throat. I’m crying hysterically but the tormented cries sound far away, like someone else’s entire world has just been flipped upside down. My nose runs, and my eyes bleed tears. Chills rip up and down my spine, and I’m so cold. I’m shivering all over, and my knees buckle, but Devin holds me to him, keeping me upright. My fingers grip my cell fiercely, and I can vaguely hear Mom calling out to me, but it’s in the distance. Like everything surrounding me. My world’s gone hazy, and this hollowed-out sensation in my chest is my new reality.
The phone is plucked from my hand, and Devin speaks to Mom. I look up at him, seeing him yet not seeing him. His mouth moves, but I can’t hear the words. He straightens up, pulling himself together. He draws me in to his chest, holding me super close, but I barely feel his touch, can scarcely register anything over the silent splintering of my heart. Bit by bit, it rips apart, until that life-sustaining organ in my chest is a bloody, messy pulp barely beating behind my ribcage.
Devin lifts me up, cradling me to his chest, and walks us to his SUV. He places me in the passenger seat, buckling my seat belt. I stare straight ahead, still crying, still trying to make sense of the words replaying in my mind. Devin gets in his side, and I feel his eyes on me. “Ange, look at me.” His voice is shaky, lacking its usual confidence.
I can’t summon the strength to turn my head. Gently, he does it for me, turning my head and tilting my chin up so I’m looking at him. “I need you to hold it together, baby doll. I can’t concentrate on the road if I’m worried about you. Can you do that for me?”
I gulp, and it’s painful. I clasp Devin’s face, needing his touch to ground me. Tears leak out of his eyes again, and his chest heaves. His pain is a replica of my own. We cling to one another, both crying, and I’m still so cold. I bury my head in his chest, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt, needing his closeness, his warmth, his strength. He trails his hands up and down my arms, kissing the top of my head. “I’ve got you.”
“How?” My voice is strangled as the word forces its way up my throat. “How did he die?”
He lifts my head up, keeping his hands on me, and I don’t miss the traumatized, conflicted look on his face. He doesn’t want to tell me this, but he knows he has no choice. He sucks in a deep breath. “He killed himself, Ange. His mom found him hanging in his room.”
My eyes pop wide in horror, and my whole body starts shaking. Immense pain consumes me. The knot in my stomach, the agony in my head, and the ache in my heart all intensify until I can bear it no more. Wrenching myself free of Devin’s arms, I stumble out of the car in the nick of time. Bending over, I empty the contents of my stomach all over the side of the road. Tears slide down my face as I retch until there’s nothing left to expel.
If only I could purge the guilt as easily.
Devin is crouched over me, rubbing my back. Wordlessly, he hands me a tissue, helping me to my feet. He moves to hug me, but I push him away. “Don’t,” I warn. “Don’t offer me sympathy. I did this. This is my fault!”
Ignoring my wishes, he draws me into his arms. “This isnotyour fault.”
I pummel his chest with my fists. “It is! This is our fault!” I beat on his chest harder. “We destroyed him!”
“You don’t know that, and we need to get home to find out what happened.”
I start crying again, and I collapse against him, all fight leaving me. He hugs me to him, but I’m too numb to even feel his body pressed against mine. Helping me back into the car, he hands me a bottle of water and a blanket. “Drink this, and try to sleep. I’ll wake you when we arrive.”
I don’t sleep. Even the suggestion that I could, at a time like this, is preposterous. I can’t switch my brain off, even though I wish I could because the crap in my head is making it difficult to breathe. Eventually, my tears subside, giving way to a strangely comatose state. I’m here, but not here. Alive, but not alive. Breathing, but only barely.
We don’t talk about it anymore.
We don’t talk at all.
Devin drives, and I stare out the window, inwardly remarking how the silence of my environment mirrors the silence in my heart. As if my soul has died along with Ayden.
Flashing lights greet us as we turn onto our road. Two cop cars, a fire truck, an ambulance, and a van bearing the logo of the medical examiner’s office is parked outside Ayden’s house.
Mom is waiting at the end of our drive when we arrive. Running around to the passenger door, she pulls me out and into her arms. I fall apart again, sobbing and shaking and clinging to her like I did when I was a little kid. She and Devin converse in quiet voices over my head, but I hear none of it.
“I want to see him,” I blurt. Swiping the tears from under my eyes, I straighten up, looking her in the face. I sniffle, placing a hand over the sore spot in my chest. “I want to see Ayden. I need to tell him I’m sorry. Tell him I still love him.” Sobs rip me apart, slaying me on the inside and outside, and I bury my face in Mom’s shoulder as my entire body convulses. Pain wracks me on all sides.
“You don’t have to do this now, Ange,” Devin says in a hushed tone.
I sniffle, looking over my shoulder at him. “I do. I need to see him. I need to touch him. I…” I double over, winded by intense pain the like of which I’ve never felt before. My tears return in earnest.
“Sweetheart. I think you should rest, and when you feel up to it, you can see him,” Mom softly suggests.
I reach out, clutching Devin’s arm, using him to straighten up again. “No. I want to go now.” I cling to Devin’s arm. “Take me to see him? And can you do this with me? I can’t do it alone.”
He hugs me. So tightly, I almost can’t breathe. “I’m not leaving your side,” he confirms.
