Page 116 of Inseparable
I remember it. My grandpa had only died three months previous, and it was still so raw. Being back at the lake had dredged tons of emotions to the surface, and I broke down in front of my friends.
“You went to her straightaway,” Ayden continues speaking. “You wrapped your arms around her and pulled her into your lap. You were whispering in her ear, kissing the top of her head, and running your hands up and down her arms.” He locks his hands behind his head. “I was so jealous, but then I realized I was jealous of Lina, not you. When I looked at you with your arms around her, I found myself wishing you had your arms around me.”
I’m a blubbering mess, tears flowing down my face unrestrained. Devin is deathly quiet beside me.
“From that point on, I was acutely aware of your presence, and it affected me in ways it shouldn’t. It didn’t take long for me to work out I was in love with you. I know you don’t return my feelings. I know you never will,” Ayden continues. His laugh is coarse. “There’s no doubting you’re hetero, and I know you love Lina, but that doesn’t seem to make any difference to me.”
He swipes at his tears again, brushing them away. “No matter what happened, our friendship was always destined to be ruined, man. We both love you, but I’ve always known who you’d choose.” He composes himself. “And I’m fine with that. I’ve learned to accept it. You are my two best friends, and I want you to be happy. I’m just getting in the way of that. And I’m so tired of it all. Tired of feeling this way. Why me? Why couldn’t I have just been normal?”
He straightens up. “I’m joining the marines because I figure there’s no better alpha male environment to be in. Maybe it’ll help. Maybe it’ll make things worse.” He shrugs. “If you’re listening to this, it means it didn’t work. It didn’t fix me. But at least you guys are together, and I’m not there to get in the way anymore. I’ll die happy knowing I’ve at least done something right.”
He moves to shut off the camera feed. “I’ll miss you guys. Know you’ve been the very best part of my life. Be happy, and take care of each other.”
The feed cuts out, and the screen pauses. My sobs are the only sound in the room, until Devin hops up, knocking his chair to the ground with a loud thud. He storms from the room, and I jump up, running after him.
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
Devin
I race out of the attorney’s office, barely thanking the guy, running down the stairs and out onto the sidewalk. Hunching over, I place my hands on my trembling knees, struggling to breathe. Ange is beside me then, wrapping her arm around my back, ushering soothing words. I cling to her, sucking oxygen deep into my lungs as I wait for the anxiety attack to pass.
When I’m more composed, I straighten up and let her guide me to the car. She takes charge, strapping me into the passenger seat and sliding behind the wheel. I lean my head back, closing my eyes, as the cyclone in my head reaches peak pressure. My head is a mess. My thoughts conflicted.
We drive for ages, in silence. She glances at me every few minutes, concern etched across her gorgeous face. I want to reassure her, but the knot in my chest has stolen my ability to speak. She’s handling this much better than me. Seeing Ayden’s face again was excruciatingly difficult but not as difficult as listening to what he had to say.
The car slows down, and I look out the window at the tall, gray gates of the cemetery. I’m not surprised she’s driven us here. I get out, stretching my neck from side to side in an effort to release some of the tension. She locks the car and takes my hand, and we walk quietly toward Ayden’s resting place.
We stop in front of his grave, holding hands and staring at the tombstone. Someone has been here recently. A low circular vase houses a bunch of vibrant purple and white carnations. Their signature scent wafts through the air. Ange breaks free of our hold, sinking to her knees on the grass. She sits cross-legged, and her voice is strained as she speaks.
“You should have told me. I would have understood. I can’t believe you suffered with that all alone. Don’t you know we would have loved you regardless? Your sexual orientation didn’t change who you were. You were still one of the best men I’ve ever known, and I’m so sad for you. That you had to deny what was intrinsic. That you felt there was something wrong with it. That you’re not here now to know how acceptable it’s become. That you didn’t get to live a full life. And I’m sorry for failing you. For not noticing what now seems abundantly clear. I love you, Ayden. You will always have a place in my heart.”
Her words are heartfelt, and underscored with compassion, demonstrating how far Ange really has come, how effectively she’s dealt with her guilt and her grief.
I wish I could say the same, but I can’t. The cyclone erupts in my head, and I lash out at my dead friend. “You’re an asshole,” I fume, pacing in front of his grave. “You stupid, selfish, cowardly, motherfucking asshole. How dare you keep that from us! How dare you kill yourself rather than admit the truth to the people who loved you unconditionally. How dare you deny yourself truth and acceptance. It’s inexcusable, and if you were here, I’d punch your lights out.”
My pacing accelerates, rage boiling in my veins. “We were your best friends. I told you everything that last summer. You knew all my secrets, but you were hording yours. I may not have reciprocated your feelings, and, hell, at the time I probably would’ve freaked the fuck out that you loved me, but you still should’ve told us.”
I drop down beside Ange, leaning my head on her shoulders as my anger gives way to sorrow. We’re both quiet for a while. “You know, there were a couple times where I wondered if he might be gay,” I tell her. “But I always dismissed it because he dated girls, he had sex with girls, and I thought the vibes I felt were wrong. Maybe if all that shit hadn’t been going down at home, I might’ve paid more attention.”
“We all had our own stuff going on, Dev. Ayden should have told us, and I hate that he thought he couldn’t.”
“My heart aches for you, man. I know what it’s like to struggle with the person you are and how tormented that feels at times. I wish you’d confided in me. I wish you hadn’t felt like you’d no choice.” My chest aches. “I wish you were here, so I could kick your stupid ass.”
Ange looks up at the darkening sky. “Wherever you are, Ayd, know how much we love you.”
“How much we miss you,” I add.
“And that you’re forgiven,” she says, her voice clogged with emotion. She looks at me, her eyes probing to see if it’s true, if I’ve forgiven him too.
I glance up at the sky. “I should hate you for the pain you’ve put us through. You deliberately sabotaged my relationship with Ange while you were alive, and in death, you stole her from me too. But I’m done with hate. And I’m done with regret.” I kiss Ange on the lips. “I have the woman of my dreams by my side, and all that would make life complete is my best friend at my other side.” Sobs burst free of my soul, and I give in to them. “I wish you hadn’t taken yourself from my life, but I forgive you, buddy. And I love you. You’ve given me more than you’ll ever realize.”
Ange cries, and I wrap my arms around her, holding her close as we both finally unburden ourselves fully. It’s pitch-black and freezing cold by the time we get up. “Let’s get you home and get you warm,” I tell her, bundling her into my side as we walk away.
A man steps out from under the shadow of a nearby tree, startling both of us.
“I apologize,” he says, in a rich, sonorous voice. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. My name’s Tom, and I was a friend of Ayden’s.”
I regard him warily. We know most of Ayden’s friends, and this guy doesn’t look familiar. “We were in the marines together,” he adds, detecting my suspicion. “I didn’t mean to intrude, but I came to pay my respects before I leave town. I was here this morning, and something brought me back here on my way to the airport.” He smiles, removing his glove, and extending his hand. “You must be Devin and Angelina. He told me all about you.”
