Page 2 of Loving Kalvin
Icouldwrite this letter, but I don’t want to.
That’swhat’s holding me back.
Even though I know it’s for the best, there’s a romantic, nostalgic part of me that still sees Kalvin Kennedy as my Prince Charming. My Mr. Right. My future.
The issue with that picture isn’t Kal. Not really. Although, I’m sure he must hate me now, but this one is on me.
It’s all my fault.
I wish things were different.
I wish I could rewrite our story, but I can’t. The damage is done, and there’s no going back.
The usual panic waylays me. I take deep breaths. In and out. Reminding myself I’m doing the right thing. And I can do this.
I’m strong enough.
I’ll have to be.
I rub a tense spot between my brows, picking up the pen and a new piece of paper. I squint at the clock. Time is ticking. It’s now or never.
Kal,
Writing this letter has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I never thought the time would come when words were the obstacle lying between us.
I’m sorry has never seemed more inadequate than it does in this moment. I could fill this page with row upon row of apologies, and it still wouldn’t come close to making up for what I have done to you, so, I won’t go there. Just know there is no word in the English language that can convey how truly regretful I am.
I don’t think a day will pass where you aren’t hijacking my mind because you live there—in my thoughts and in my dreams. Sometimes, in my nightmares.
You are all I think about, even when I’m trying so hard to forget you.
Even now. Even after all the hurt and the pain, I still love you so much. Probably too much for someone my age. I used to believe it was because we were made for each other. That we had a special kind of love most people never find. Now, I wonder if it’s the opposite.Ifwe were put together to show the destructive sideof love.
You have always been my lightandmy dark.
My sunandshadow.
My strengthandweakness.
You bring out the bestandthe worst in me.
Your continual rejection over the years hurt me more than you know—yet it was nothing compared to the pain I endured whenAddisonshowed me that video.
Ithurt, Kal.Ithurtso much.
I’ve never experienced that kind of soul-crushing pain before. Not even when you first brushed me aside, and I thought I wantedto die.
It’s not an excuse for how I’ve behaved, and I’m not presenting it as such—I’m merely stating the facts, so you can try to understand where this stemmed from.
I’ve gone over and over it in my mind, and most days I struggle to connect my actions with the person I know I am.It’s like a stranger inhabited my body, and I allowed her full control. Unbearable pain blindsided me, separated me from my soul and my heart, and I trusted in someone who manipulated me. I should have known better. I did knowbetter.
I’ve rewritten this letter a hundred times, and it’s tempting to leave out the most important fact, but there’s no point in writing a letter without honesty.I knew it would hurt you, and I wanted you to hurt as much as I was.
There. I’ve said it. Now you know how truly awful I am.
I don’t feel that way anymore, and I’m ashamed I acted so rashly, that I caused so much pain, but I can’t undo what I’ve done. I can only try and repair the damage and hope that, in time, you can somehow find it in your heart to forgive me. Because the thought of you living the rest of your life hating me is worse than the prospect of living mine without you bymy side.
Mom claims I have an old soul. Maybe that’s why I was always so sure about us. Why our age never made a difference. Why my love felt like it was born of decades not years. Perhaps that illusion of love shielded me from facingreality.
