Page 92 of Finding Kyler
Ignoring the surge of tormented longing growing inside me, I rest my hand on his chest, feeling the feverish beating of his heart. I keep my eyes fixated on him as I peer into the chasm within. The cavernous emptiness inside him calls out to me, like a silent mating call. Like one half of a soul recognizing and coveting its equal. That anguished darkness tempts me, crooning and cajoling, begging me to delve inside. To immerse myself in all-too-familiar sensations. To open myself to him and the possibility that he offers.
And it wouldn’t be difficult to cross that line with him. To explore our mutual hidden depths. To finally have someone completely understand the person that resides inside.
It’s so tempting, almost more than I can bear.
But there are far too many obstacles presently standing in our way.
As if to prove a point, a clanging sound echoes from the lobby, breaking us both out of whatever bubble we were cocooned in. We move without speaking, linking hands as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.
The lobby is empty, but I can’t shake the eerie feeling crawling over my skin. “It must’ve been one of my brothers. Wait here,” Ky says, “I’ll check their rooms.” The ominous feeling multiples tenfold as I wait in the silent, dimly lit hallway for Ky’s return. My eyes dart around the room, looking for a clue, but everything is as it should be.
“Kent’s passed out, fully clothed, on his bed. It was obviously him.” He locks one hand around the back of his neck, looking anxiously at me.
Something different is in the air, and it excites me. Although I can’t yet put a name to it, it feels like we’ve reached a pivotal point in our history. I’ve only caught glimpses of this side of Ky before, and it warms my soul every time he permits me to see into the person he could be. The one he keeps so closely guarded inside.
It’s time.
I feel it.
He knows it.
I take his hand and pull him into the living room, tugging him down on the sofa alongside me. Wedging myself into the arm, I face him, drawing my knees to my chest for physical and moral support. “I want to tell you what happened to me.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
I draw a large, brave breath and start into my story. “When I was thirteen, I went to my first party, and something happened that night that messed me up pretty bad.” I pause, wetting my suddenly bone-dry lips and shuttering my eyes temporarily. Kyler laces his fingers in mine and squeezes. That silent reassurance encourages me to continue.
“I was drinking vodka with my friends, and by the time we started playing Truth or Dare, I was already buzzing. When the bottle spun my way, I chose a dare, and I was challenged to allow this guy, Daniel, to feel my boobs. It all sounds so juvenile now, but back then it was a big deal. He was fifteen and two years ahead of me in school. All the girls had a crush on the guy—me included—but I was still apprehensive about agreeing. Everyone was teasing me over being a prude, so I pushed my nervousness aside and went with him to one of the bedrooms.”
I take deep breaths, in and out. No matter how many times I tell this story, it still feels like I’m reliving the moment over and over again. Ky continues to hold my hand firmly, his thumb tracing soothing circles on my skin.
“I developed quite early, and the boys were always making crude jokes, but I was completely innocent. Hadn’t even kissed a boy then, so taking my bra off for an older guy was a huge deal.” An intense shiver thunders through me. “He was a pig.” The usual maelstrom attacks me, but I push on. “He was rough, squeezing my flesh hard, and I closed my eyes, wishing it was over.”
I press my lips together as remembered humiliation and discomfort resurfaces. Kyler changes position on the couch, sliding in behind me. His strong arms wrap around me, renewing my courage. I rest my head back on his chest. “That must’ve been when he took the photo.” Ky stiffens underneath me. “I was blocking it all so effectively that I didn’t even hear the faint click of his phone. It wasn’t until I came back to the main room, greeted by a chorus of obnoxious hollers, that I realized what he’d done. By the next day, the photo had been circulated to everyone in school. The boys wouldn’t leave me alone. I was besieged with propositions and wolf-whistles, and random boys would leer at me. Some even tried copping a feel. It was a total free-for-all.” A lump builds in my throat.
Kyler holds me tighter, pressing a soft kiss to the side of my head. “But the girls were worse. My friends disowned me. Even though they’d been there, and they knew me and knew how upset I was over the whole thing, they didn’t stand up for me. They didn’t want to be tarnished by association.”
I shake my head sadly. “Complete strangers along with other girls I had known for years shouted insults at me. It was horrendous.” I gulp. “I felt so stupid, so foolish, and I couldn’t bring myself to tell my parents or any of the teachers in school. I was too ashamed.”
Feeling cold, I run my hands up and down Ky’s arms, siphoning warmth. “I was depressed, and my parents noticed something was wrong, but I still couldn’t tell them. It hurt so much, and even now, I can still feel it. In here.” I place my hand over my chest. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget how violated I felt. Mix that with my self-revulsion, and my head was a very dark place. After a few weeks, I couldn’t take much more, and I…I had a mini breakdown.”
Tears glisten in my eyes. “My swimming teacher found me sobbing in the changing room after practice, and she called my parents. I caved. Told them everything.”
Kyler’s lips brush my cheek.
“My self-esteem was in the toilet, so I started seeing a psychiatrist and began to work through my feelings. My parents insisted on telling the school, and that was when things went to absolute shite. Daniel was suspended for two weeks, and a number of other boys were cautioned. The abuse ramped up a few notches, and ‘snitch’ was added to the ‘slut’ taunts. I tried to ignore it but it refused to go away.”
I breathe in, inhaling his familiar scent, allowing it to comfort me. “When Daniel returned after his suspension, he waited by my locker every day. He never said a word to me, never so much as looked sideways at me, did nothing concrete that I could report, but that silent intimidation was the worst form of torture. I literally shook walking up the steps to school each morning.”
Ky sweeps my hair aside, resting his chin on my shoulder.
“Daniel’s girlfriend decided to take matters into her own hands after that. Or maybe he put her up to it.” I shrug. “I never found out. But that was when the bullying started in earnest. I’d come out of school to find someone had slashed the tires on my bike. Another time she broke into my locker and destroyed all my books. I’d come out of the pool to find my clothes cut to shreds. She did a bunch of stuff like that, and I knew it was her, but I could never prove it; she always had an alibi. Eventually, even the school was getting sick of the hassle, and I knew they didn’t believe me anymore.”
I twist in his arms, snuggling into his chest. He presses a kiss to the top of my head. “The twenty-fourth of February 2012 is a day that will be indelibly imprinted on my brain. That’s when things came to a head. It was a Friday.” I tilt my head back to look at him. His eyes are hard but compassionate. “I knew something was up the minute I stepped into the building. Everyone was laughing and pointing, and I walked toward my locker on shaky legs. Then I saw it plastered across every locker. She had photoshopped my head onto a pornographic image and printed it with ‘Hooker for Hire’ and my mobile number on it.” I blink my eyes shut as a garbled choking sound travels up my throat.
Kyler smooths a hand up and down my back. “I told the principal it was her, but he didn’t believe me. He told me they’d investigate it, but I knew she must’ve covered her tracks. I was like a zombie all day. I blanked everything out. It was the only way I could survive all the insults and disgusting innuendos. She was waiting for me with some of her cronies outside at the end of the day. I can’t remember exactly what it was she said to me now, but it was enough to affirm in my mind that she was definitely the one behind it.
I sit up straighter, easing back a little. “I just snapped. It was the final straw. Even though she said it to provoke me, and I should’ve known better than to respond to it, I was powerless to halt my natural reaction. All the pent-up anger and stress and self-loathing bolted from me like a streak of lightning. Rage, like I’ve never felt before, consumed me, and I couldn’t leash it even if I’d wanted to. But I didn’t. Iwantedto hurt her. To inflict pain so she’d feel what it was like. In that moment, I didn’t care what happened to me. I just wanted to make her pay.”
