Page 69 of Finding Kyler
“So, what, you’re fooling around with her as a way of protecting me?” I’m incredulous as I extract my hands from his. This smells like total horseshit, and I’m not buying it.
“It’s morphing into that, but I didn’t start out with that intention. She played me for an idiot, and I let her. And I’m not talking solely about the cheating. She knew she broke me, and she used the opportunity to gain the upper hand at school. She thinks she’s in charge but she’s not. She needs to be knocked off her throne, and I’m the one that’s going to do it. She isn’t the only one who can play head games.”
I stand in front of him. “Are you serious? You’re doing this to get back at her, and to reclaim some kind of crown at school?” I roll my eyes.
He climbs to his feet. “Yes, and I’m going to bring her down to the gutter, and it’s going to feel fucking great.”
I shake my head sadly. “No, no, it won’t. You’ll feel like shit because you’ll have sunk to her level.” I take his arm gently. “Let it go, Ky. If that is genuinely why you are spending time with her again, just let it go. Hold onto your dignity and regain the respect and trust at school in the right way.”
“You don’t get it, Faye. You’ve no idea what you’re talking about! I can’t imagine stuff like this happened in Ireland.”
Anger flares in my gut. “Oh no, because it’s all cart horses, leprechauns, and pots of gold in Ireland, isn’t it?!” I start pacing the room. “You think we don’t have bullies and hierarchies and cheating assholes and whores in Ireland? Don’t be so naïve. I know as much about this as you do, more maybe, and trust me when I say I’m speaking from personal experience. Let it go, Ky. Don’t let her fuck you up again. She’s already taken so much from you.”
He goes rigidly still. “What personal experience?”
I stop pacing. “Oh, no,” I half-laugh, “This isn’t about me, and don’t try to change the subject again.”
“You’re a hypocrite, you know that.” He steps toward me, and an angry glare makes an unwelcome reappearance on this face. “You lecture me about honesty when you’re keeping things back too!”
“Just because you’re opening up about this doesn’t mean you’re being honest with me. Don’t take me for a fool, because I’m not.” I step toward him, madder than all hell. “I’ve seen into that dark, empty part of you. That part that you haven’t willingly shared with me, or anyone, I’m guessing.” He subtly flinches, but I don’t miss it. “So when you’re ready to lay it all out on the table, I’ll put my cards down too. But until then”—I thump my hand over my heart—“I’m protecting me, and you don’t get to call me out on that.”
We face off, each of us locked in the pain of our own minds. Tension is thick in the air, and I don’t know where we go from here—if anywhere. With every passing second, he is shutting down, withdrawing, and closing himself off to me again. Little by little, the mask is going back on. I see it, as plain as day.
Sudden tiredness overwhelms me, and I’m done. I’m feeling the type of emotional exhaustion that makes physical tiredness pale into insignificance. May’s words float to the surface. In a roundabout way, she was right. Neither of us is stable enough to even contemplate starting anything. There is too much anger and grief in both of us for it to ever turn into something good.
“I think May was right,” I say, finally breaking the ice. “Weshouldstay away from each other. We can’t possibly be good together.”
He opens his mouth, but I place a finger over his lips to shush him. “You need to find yourself, Ky. You’re lost in there somewhere”—I place my hand carefully over his heart, feeling the steady beat thudding under my skin—“and following through on this plan with Addison is not going to help you find the right path. No one can do that for you—it can only be you.”
His hand smooths over mine. “I don’t know what you went through, and I’m sorry, because it was obviously something painful. But this is different. I don’t need to find myself. I already know who I am.” He removes my hand, placing it back by my side.
“The problem is, I don’t like the person I’ve become.” A tormented look flits over his face.
“Ky, I—” I begin to protest.
He steps back, cutting me off. “I agree that this needs to end now. We’re not on the same page. I promise I’ll keep my distance.” The camouflage is securely in place, completely hiding his feelings. “But you need to promise me that you’ll stay away from Brad. Please, Faye. Do this one thing for me?”
“Are you going to stay away from her?”
He squeezes his eyes shut and tilts his head back. After a minute, he lets out a frustrated sigh. “I can’t. It has to happen like this.”
A heavy pressure bears down on my chest. This is not going to help him, and it feels wrong to be walking away. And he’s mistaken. Heislost. He just doesn’t know it.
But there isn’t much more I can do. “Very well, then.” I walk toward the door. “I’m making no promises when it comes to Brad.” Despite what Kyler has said, I know there’s more to this than meets the eye. Brad isn’t the devil incarnate, and I’m starting to believe he’s as much a victim as Ky is. At this stage, it’s only a hunch, and I need to hear his version of events before I start jumping to conclusions. I yank the door open. “Goodnight, Kyler.”
He storms out of the room, spinning around before the door has fully closed. “I won’t be here to pick up the pieces when he screws you over. I tried to warn you.”
“I could say the exact same to you.”
His eyes penetrate mine, and I can tell he wants to say more, but he can’t, or he won’t.
I close the door as he walks away and bury my head in my hands.
Chapter Twenty-Six
I slump to the ground, leaning against the wall, with tears streaming down my face. The floodgates shatter and I allow myself to feel everything I’ve been fighting. It’s an awful ugly mess. Wracking sobs rip from the innermost chamber of my heart, and I give into them, allowing them to fully take over. Pain lances me on all sides, and I bury my head in my knees, giving in to the heartache.
I cry for my parents.
