Page 91 of Fifty First Times (Sharing You 0.40)
He put his hands out to his side. “I didn’t know what to say or how to feel. That first night I signed on because I had to know what was going on with you. I needed to make sure you were okay after everything that had happened last fall. But then the chat took a turn, and it scared the shit out of me, Bates. One second I’m talking to the guy I grew up with, trying to figure out what’s going on, and the next I’m thinking about what it’d be like to touch him. I’d never gotten so turned on so fast. I freaked out and bailed that first night. I didn’t know what to do with that . . . reaction. But then I couldn’t stop myself from going back to the room. I needed to know if it had affected you the same way. And when I saw you on the bed, I hated how it made me feel, how my body reacted. I didn’t want to feel that.”
I stared at him. The confession might as well have been delivered in a foreign language. I couldn’t process any of it.
“All my life I’ve been that guy, the one who gets the girls. I liked girls. Still do,” Malcolm said, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. “But ever since that first night, I can’t get into it anymore with any of them. I’ve tried to recapture what used to be before I knew about you. You know how my family is. Me liking a guy would be like a death in the family. And God only knows how my teammates would react if they knew. But the only way I can even attempt anything with a girl now is when I’m in the room with you. And it’s not her I’m thinking about.”
I put my hand against a beam to steady myself. Maybe the hot chocolate had been laced with drugs. I was hallucinating. “Mal . . .”
“That night you ended up in the car with that dude from the club, I nearly lost it. I wanted to kill that guy. He could be what you needed. He wasn’t scared. That was the kind of situation you deserved. Not someone like me who was freaking terrified of all this.” Malcolm sagged against the wall and shook his head. “I’m sorry I lied about Derrick. I couldn’t tell you. I’m a goddamned coward.”
“Mal,” I said again, my voice steadier.
Malcolm looked up, his eyes full of anguish. I’d never seen him like this—so vulnerable. He was the guy who was afraid of no one, who would never back down from a fight, who went into any situation with pure male confidence.
I swallowed hard. “I wouldn’t have let you kiss me tonight.”
“Yeah, I gathered that,” he said, a bitter edge to his voice as he dropped his attention to the floor.
“But there wasn’t anything I wanted more.”
That green-eyed gaze met mine again. And there it was—all the pained desire I’d stuffed down daily reflected back at me—but this time I wasn’t looking in the mirror. He’d been there with me all the time. He knew how this felt. He’d walked this road, too. A few long seconds passed, both of us afraid to look away.
Then Malcolm was stepping forward, grabbing the front of my jacket, and turning me into the wall. The swift pain of my back hitting the wood hard was the sweetest I’d ever felt. Malcolm’s lips met mine in a rush and his body crushed against mine, all the secrets between us falling away in a few, hot sweeps of our tongues—in urgent, whispered words and roving, hungry hands.
In that moment, we weren’t best friends or roommates or even two guys sharing their first kiss. We were the real Bates and Malcolm, meeting each other for the first time.
Five
I COULDN’T SLEEP.
I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling, feeling both exhausted and exhilarated to be back in the dorm. The week at Malcolm’s house had been a whirlwind. That first night, we’d stayed in the barn’s loft into the early morning hours. First kissing and exploring like two virgins on our last night on Earth. Neither of us really knew how to go about things. It was awkward and bumbling and freaking perfect. But we knew we were at risk for taking it too far too quick. We’d known each other forever, but not like this. This was so new, so exciting and different, and it had been tempting to want everything at once. But we hadn’t had any condoms and a dirty barn loft wasn’t exactly an ideal spot, so we’d slowed down and talked until the sun came up.
The rest of the week had been packed with family stuff. And Malcolm’s parents and siblings had treated me like their own, helping ease the sting of my first Thanksgiving without my mom and sister. I’d even gotten the guts to call my dad and invite him to Thanksgiving dinner, unable to bear the thought of him being alone when I had the power to change that.
Turns out he’d given me the line about work because he didn’t want to put pressure on me to come home. He’d sensed how much I didn’t want to be at our house. After dinner, we’d gone outside and talked. He’d told me how relieved he was to see me, to see I was doing all right—happy even. Without planning it, I’d admitted to him what I’d been going through, how lost I’d been feeling. The moment the words “I’m gay” were out, I’d gone into a panic. But my dad had just taken a long, deep breath, nodded, then squeezed my shoulder and thanked me for telling him. He said after losing people you love, everything takes on a new perspective. And judging me for who I wanted to date would be ridiculous. We made plans to see each other for Christmas break, and for the first time since Mom and Samantha had died, I had hope that we’d both be okay.
I smiled into the darkness. By the time pumpkin pie had been served that night, I’d realized that I had a lot to be thankful for at Thanksgiving after all. And a big part of it was the guy sleeping across the room from me. The guy whose mere presence was keeping me awake.
I rolled to my side, trying to will myself to sleep. But a few minutes later, a ding came from Malcolm’s side and the dark room lit with the light of his phone. There was fumbling then a groan and a few choice words.
“Who the hell is texting you this late?” I asked, surprised that Malcolm hadn’t been sleeping after all. He hadn’t said a word in an hour.
“Chrissy’s drunk texting me. Either that or her autocorrect is really screwed up. Wants to know if she can come over.”
My teeth ground against each other, but I tried to keep calm as I lay there, eyes closed, counting to ten. A lot had changed between me and Malcolm, but I also was aware that he was bi, and we hadn’t made any kind of exclusive dating declaration. Girls could still turn his head. “Do you want her to come over?”
There was a long silence and then a pillow landed right on my head, earning an oof from me.
“Stupid ass,” Malcolm said from across the room. “What part of this past week didn’t you understand?”
I pulled the pillow off me and tossed it back his way. “I don’t know. Maybe you want both.”
“Or maybe I’ve been lying over here for two hours, trying to go to sleep but can’t because I know you’re over there.” He shifted in the bed. “But we promised to take things slow, so I’m being good.”
I grinned. Malcolm being good. The apocalypse must be around the corner. “Very valiant of you.”
“You’re telling me,” he grumbled. “I deserve some sort of medal.”
Or maybe he deserved something else. I rolled to my side and reached for my phone. After pressing a few things, I opened the window I wanted and typed.
