Page 138 of Stage Dive: Short Stories & Novellas
“Of course you can come in,” I said.
Jude had left for the day, and the baby was sleeping.I’d made myself a cup of decaf coffee and decided to sit and chill on the sofa.
He took a chair opposite me.Which felt ominous for some reason.Like he needed the coffee table between us.His black eye was a combination of dark purple and gray.Gruesome.“Jimmy got me in with a therapist.That’s what I’ve been doing the last couple of days.Mostly.”
“Okay.”
“We talked about a lot of things.”
I nodded, trying to ignore the doubts and feelings of dread curling inside my stomach.Everything would be fine.I wouldn’t let it be anything else.
“Like how I’m not really used to sharing your attention.Or dealing with you just not having the time and energy for me or our relationship right now,” he said.“And of course that’s perfectly understandable.You’re exhausted.Hell.We both are.”
“Do you resent the baby, David?”
“A little.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.No wonder our baby still didn’t have a name.
“I’m also kind of freaking out about how we’re going to deal with all this.How we’re going to balance things.Our life’s been upended.”He swallowed.“I love him, Ev.But he’s a handful.”
“Yeah.”
His hands hung loose, his forearms braced on his spread legs.And those tattoos on his fingers spelling out LIVE FREE had never seemed more pertinent.Because he couldn’t live free anymore, and neither could I.Now we were parents.
“It’s a big sacrifice,” I said.“And I know they keep saying it’ll get easier.But we have to be here living it day in and out.”
He nodded.“How’s Jude doing?”
“She’s great.Having her here has really helped.”
“Good.That’s good, Ev.”His gave me a small smile.“I’ve also been looking at houses.”
“You want to move?”I asked, surprised.“Whoa.That’s not what I expected you to say.I mean, I thought you loved this place.We’ve been so happy here.”
“I know,” he said, keeping his voice calm and certain.If he hadn’t practiced saying these words, then he’d thought about them a whole lot.“It’s a big ask.But I feel like there’s not enough room here for all of us anymore.Not with all of the baby stuff and people sleeping at different times and me worrying about playing music and disturbing someone.I want us all to have enough space.All three of us.”
“Okay.If that’s what you want.”
“I know this is close to your work, but—”
“No.I agree.”I smiled.It was mostly natural.“It might take me a little while to get used to the idea, but we all need to be comfortable in our own home.Being here has been great, but…we’re moving into a new phase of our life now.We can afford it, and hopefully it will help with things, so why not?”
“Yeah.That’s what I think too.”
“What else did the therapist say?”
“She said that for new parents self-doubt and even anger at how you feel you’ve lost control over your life are normal.Ten to fifteen percent of new dads have issues with that sort of thing.Anxiety and mood disorders and so on.”
“That’s a lot.”
“And she said the worst thing I can do is stop communicating.”
“We need to make more of an effort to talk,” I agreed.
“Yeah.Otherwise the bitterness and resentment can get out of control.She also said it’s okay to mourn the fact that, for a while at least, we can’t just do what we want.Life has kind of moved on.We can’t just drop everything and go to Maui.Decide on the spur of moment to go hear a band play at some club together.”He looked away for a moment.“You know I’m in this with you to the end, right?”
And hearing those words unlocked something inside of me.Some hurt or worry.“I know.”
