Page 19 of Beautiful Forever
The finality of his apology sinks in, and my heart doesn’t shatter. It disintegrates. Desolation doesn’t drown me. Itconsumesme. They’re all dead. My mother. The girl I love. My half sister I never got a chance to know. What did I ever do to deserve so much pain and so much loss all at once?
A scream erupts from my chest, tearing through me like a bomb detonating, and I fling fistfuls of dirt as the remains of my damaged soul try to claw their way out, wanting to be with Mama and Aoife.Take me with you. I want to be with you.
I must be saying it out loud because Pyotr manacles my wrists and puts a stop to my mania. “Don’t you fucking dare give up. Aleksei needs you.Ineed you. You will survive this.Wewill help you survive this. You hear me?”
He doesn’t flinch when I turn on him and raise my fist. I want to hurt someone as much as I’m hurting. But I can’t. Not him. He’s not who I hate. He’s not who I blame.
I unclench my fingers. The blood-smeared dirt on my palm looks like a fucked-up Rorschach of a phoenix, its outspread wings made of fire.
And from the ashes of his destruction, the phoenix will rise…
And burn the world to the ground.
Drako said I had to decide what kind of man I will be.
I’ll be the man who wreaks vengeance on everyone who has ever hurt me.
Eight
Dear Aoife,
Please look after Mama. Tell her I understand why she left us.
Tell her that I forgive her.
Tell her that I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect her.
Tell her that I love her.
I miss you. I wish you were here. I wish I was there with you and Mama.
Nothing makes sense anymore.
-Aleksander
Nine
Journal Entry
Nineteen years old
Pyotrand I descend the stairs that lead to the basement, our footsteps echoing between the ochre-washed walls. Why someone would think pumpkin was a good color is beyond my understanding. It’s ugly as fuck.
“Did you hit up that brunette yet?” he asks.
“Who?”
“The girl from the bar. Brown hair. Blue eyes. Tits that I could suffocate myself in and die a very happy man.”
The look I give him speaks volumes. “Misogynistic much?”
“What? She was fine is hell.”
“Doesn’t mean you get to objectify her.”
He fuckingpfftsme like a teenage girl. “If you’re not going to tap that, I will.”
I tune him out and mentally prepare for what will greet me on the other side of the door. I can already smell it. The stench of imminent death.
