Page 41 of Forever Mine
“I appreciate that.”
And I believe her. She didn’t do it to be malicious or steal Julien away from me. She’s searching for answers and trying to put the puzzle pieces of her missing life into some semblance of order.
Affection between friends is fine with me. I kiss Jessi on the lips hello when I see her. I’ve kissed Fallon and Ash on the cheek before. I hug David all the time, and Julien doesn’t get upset, so I need to show him the same courtesy when it comes to Liz. However, I never had a thing for Jessi, Fallon, Ash, or David the way Julien had a thing for Liz, which means boundaries need to be set when it comes to my boyfriend.
I slide onto one of the barstools and get comfortable. “Did you find the answer you were looking for?”
Her head tilts in contemplation. “I think so.”
“You need to tell Jayson that you’re having feelings for Ryder.”
“How did you…” She covers her face with both hands, drags them down until only her fingertips touch her mouth. “I don’t want to hurt Jayson, but I’m tired of him pushing. I can’t be his girlfriend. I’m not that girl anymore. I don’t love him. If I did before, I don’t feel it now. I don’t feel a connection. With Ryder… it’s different.” She growls in frustration and spins on her heels to pace the floor. “I wish I could be her, the girl you all want back, but I’m not. I wish I could remember. I want to remember. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to hurt anybody, and I feel that whatever I do or whatever choice I make is going to hurt one of you. It’s fucked up.”
It really is.
Leaning forward on the countertop, I ask, “Can I tell you something?”
Her pacing ceases, and she gives me her full attention.
“I fell in love with Julien, knowing full well how he felt about you. For a long time, he struggled with his feelings forme and with his bisexuality. You supported him and stood by him through everything. You did the same for me. Welcomed me with open arms. Became my friend. I won’t be able to thank you enough for that. When you disappeared, the guys fell apart. It was bad. Really bad. I’m not going to go into the details, but Julien sank into a deep depression. It almost destroyed us. Not to sound mean, but I felt like I was competing for his love with a ghost. I was never jealous of you, but last year I started hating you, if that makes sense.”
Liz brings a shaky hand to her mouth, her eyes brimming with tears. “Elijah, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
I blow out a breath. My gut churns when I think about those dark days.
“What I’m trying to say is that Julien still holds a lot of guilt. He feels like he failed you, and he’ll do anything to make it up to you.”
“Whatever happened that night isn’t his fault. The fucking bastard who—” She visibly trembles, touches her side where the scars mark her torso. She scares the shit out of me when her complexion goes pallid, and she starts panting, like she’s struggling for air.
I reach across the counter and grab her hand in a vise. “Hey, look at me. Focus on me and only me.”
I hold her gaze until color returns to her face. Offering her my bottle of water, she guzzles the entire thing down.
“That was embarrassing.”
“It’s just you and me. Nothing to feel embarrassed about,” I assure her. “You’re safe here with me. Freak out all you want.”
This time, she reaches for my hand. “Idofeel safe with you. You have this calming aura about you.”
Needing to re-center, she putters around the kitchen, taking out bread and ingredients to make a turkey sandwich.
“I’m starving. Want one?”
“Julien’s going to make grilled cheese when I get back.”
Slapping a thick mound of black-pepper turkey on one slice of bread, she squeezes out a small mountain of spicy brown mustard before adding a few ridged potato chips and dill pickle coins.
“I hate hearing that Julien blames himself,” she says, taking a huge bite out of her humongous sandwich that’s bigger than her mouth.
With a smile that doesn’t quite reach my cheeks, I inform her, “If you haven’t noticed, he has a Sir Galahad complex. So, the next time you want answers to questions about Jayson, don’t use Julien to find them. His lips and the rest of his body are off limits.”
Wiping a smear of mustard away, she puts her food down on the plate. “I really am so very sorry. I promise I won’t do anything like that again. And thank you. For everything. You’re being more understanding than I deserve.”
Standing up, I round the island and take her in a hug. One she accepts readily. She smells like gardenia. It used to be her favorite fragrance. I gave her a basket full of gardenia-scented shit for Christmas one year. Soap, lotion, body spray, bath bombs.
“The guys aren’t the only ones who love you. I do, too. I’ve missed my friend and hope I get the chance to know the girl you are now.”
Liz hugs me harder. “I’d like that very much. Can I tell you something crazy?”
