Page 125 of Broken Butterfly
It’s what I expected, but I had been holding out hope, nonetheless. Jayson hasn’t come back and from what Julien tells me, he doesn’t plan to. He’s been hopping from one state to the next, never holding down a job long enough to get settled.
“Have you heard from him recently?”
“He doesn’t call often, but when he does, he sounds good. He’s in California now.”
I don’t say anything more because there really isn’t anything left to say.
“I’m going to let you finish getting ready, honey. I love you, Lizzie.”
“I love you too, Freda.”
As soon as Freda leaves, Meredith turns to give me a hug. “Well, that was a bit sad. We still have time yet. Why don’t we bust out the champagne?”
“You are not getting me hammered before I have to walk down the aisle. And I’m not having you drunk at my wedding. You get a little too touchy-feely,” I remind her.
“I can’t help that I’m an affectionate girl when I’m drunk.”
I remember the day I went to her dorm room after I got back from my trip with Fallon and Ryder when she got tipsy and literally tackled me on the bed and hugged me to death. I have appreciated her kind of craziness in my life. Meredith has been a true friend. I look over at the table where my purse sits. “Actually, Mer, can you give me a minute? There’s something I need to do in private.”
“Yeah, no prob. I’ll pop out and check on everything.”
“Thanks. I mean it. Thank you for everything. If you see Julien, can you tell him that I want to see him. Oh, and also, let Daniel and Drew know that I’ll be ready in thirty.”
“Do I need to grab a pen and paper for this?”
“Sorry. Remind me why I didn’t hire a wedding planner again?”
“Hey, we’ve got this. Everyone has been helping and pitching in. At least it’s kept everybody busy and out of your hair, otherwise they’d all be in here with us. That would be bad, so count your chickens as a blessing.”
“I don’t even know what that means, but okay. And no quickies in the coat closet with Bryce.”
“Well, hell, Elizabeth, how do you do that?”
“I know you. So keep his pants zipped and your dress immaculate until after the wedding.”
“I can wait until the reception. I figure there are plenty of places in the gardens to hide behind foliage and give my man a hand job,” she titters and skips out of the room.
I take a second to gather myself, then walk over to the side table where my beaded clutch is lying. I unhook the clasp and take out the envelope from inside. It’s the letter Jayson wrote to me the day he left. I haven’t had the courage to read it yet, but something inside of me this morning told me today was the day. I tear open the envelope, pull out the folded sheet of notebook paper, and go to sit down on the chaise lounge next to the window.
Dear Princess,
God, where do I start? I guess the first thing I should say is, I’m sorry. I said some awful things to you that came from a place of heartbreak and anger. I don’t hate you. I never could. I hate that I won’t be the one waiting for you at the end of the aisle. I hate that you won’t be the mother of my children. I hate that I will never be able to make love to you again. I hate that I will never wake up to you in my arms. I hate that you chose Ryder. But I don’t hate you.
But what I most regret is that night. I’ll never forgive myself for what I did. I wish I could blame it on being drunk, but that would be a coward’s way out. I am so sorry for hurting you that way. I hope one day you can forgive me for ever laying a hand on you in anger.
Everything is so fucked-up. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I had everything planned out. You and me forever. The girl I fell in love with from the first moment I saw her. The girl that has been my heart and soul since I was six years old. I don’t know what to do, Liz. I don’t know how to live a life without you.
So I’m leaving. I need to figure out what to do with my future. I need to figure who I am. I don’t know when or even if I’ll come back. Perhaps never. It’ll be too hard to see you and not have things the way they used to be. To know that they never will be because you’ll be married to Ryder. He’s a good man. He was a good friend. He deserved so much better than I gave him in our friendship. Just one more thing I’ll always regret.
The part of my heart that I gave you is forever yours. Be happy, princess. Know how much you are loved. By Ryder, by Julien. By me. I love you and I always will.
Your once upon a time prince,
- Jayson
There’s a knock on the door and Julien walks in. “Hey, Meredith said you wanted to see me.”
I hold the piece of paper against my heart. “Julien,” I cry, and he rushes over to me, lifting me up in his arms.
