Page 122 of Broken Butterfly
Trevor tries to say something, but I hold my hands out in front of me like a shield.
“Please, stop. Whatever it is you want to say will have to wait. I need time to think things through. The only thing I can tell you right now is that you and Fallon shouldn’t have to suffer any more for Peter’s transgressions. To be honest, none of us should. He’s dead and I can finally breathe easy again knowing that. Let him stay buried,” I tell them.
Buried and gone, no longer able to hurt anyone anymore. “Ryder, please take me home now.”
Chapter 38
“Thank you for bringing me here.”
It’s past midnight, so officially it’s New Year’s Eve. Ryder and I should be at Wintergreen, dreaming about running up and down the slopes, making love in front of the fireplace, having snowball fights, planning our wedding, and watching the New Year’s Eve fireworks from the porch of our rental cabin that night.
“If I said this Christmas and New Year’s sucked, would you be upset?” Ryder’s response is to hold me tighter as we lean on the hood of his car.
After leaving Fallon’s, we went back to the apartment. My mind was too restless, however, so I asked Ryder to bring me to the hill overlooking the college town. Ryder had told me that this was his quiet place. A place of solitude and peace that he would come to just to think and be alone. It’s the place he brought me after our first date, and we danced together under the moonlight. It is also the place he brought me after we proposed to each other. That was the night we held each other as the snow fell all around us. Tonight, however, the sky is so crystal clear that it seems like you can see every star in the Milky Way, regardless of the city lights below.
“Momma? Dad? Hailey?” I speak up to the stars, “I hope you can hear me. I need you to tell me what to do. I’m so lost right now. What do I do? The man that took you from me is dead.” I blow out a frustrated breath and watch as it forms frosty clouds in front of my face. I’m cold inside, but it’s not because of the freezing temperatures of the night surrounding us.
“Babe, they hear you. They’re here with us,” Ryder says, resting his face beside mine while rubbing his hands soothingly up and down my coat-wrapped arms.
“Ryder, what should I do?”
Peter is dead. The man who killed my family is dead. Shouldn’t I feel ashamed that I’m not upset about that? A good person wouldn’t wish for the death of another person, let alone be relieved by it. What kind of person does that make me to not feel remorse for the fact that Peter is dead? I blink a few times to clear away the tears that gather and cling to my lashes.
“I can’t tell you what to do, sweetheart. I can be here for you. Stand by you. Support you. But ultimately, whatever decision you make, whatever choice you make, should be yours and yours alone. What does your heart say? What is it telling you?”
My heart feels both broken and lighter. My heart is grieving for what Hailey endured at the hands of Peter. It suffers for Fallon because he has to live with the fact that his brother used him to take his own life. My heart breaks for Trevor because he was caught in the middle of this whole awful mess while trying to protect the brother he had only just found. But my heart also feels lighter knowing that the monster is forever and truly gone. It feels freer knowing that some form of justice has been served.
My heart is also conflicted. Will I be able to live with myself knowing what really happened? How the man who saved me sacrificed a part of his own soul to protect me from his brother? And what about Ryder? Will he be able to live with the secret, or will it be something that slowly festers and gnaws away at him, taking bits and pieces of him away little by little?
I reach my arm back and cradle Ryder’s head with my hand, tilting my face to the side and back so I can see his beautiful copper eyes. “I would never forgive myself if I made a decision that you accepted out of your love for me, but ultimately could not live with.”
I watch closely as Ryder digests my words. He slowly loops me around so that I’m sitting on the hood of the car and he is on his knees in front of me. He lays his hands on the tops of my thighs and I reach down to smooth my hands across his forehead until my fingertips spear into his thick, soft hair. We stare at each other for a very long time.
“If you want to know how I truly feel about it…” He draws in a slow, hard inhalation. “All I can tell you is—I will never forget finding you on the floor of your kitchen, blood soaked through every part of your clothes, hair, and skin. Your lungs struggling to gasp for breath, your beautiful sage green eyes losing their light. I watched the love of my life dying right before me as I held her in my arms. I felt like I was dying too. I wanted to die with you. I wanted you to take me with you. So if it makes me a cold-hearted bastard for being glad that Peter is gone, then so be it. I will happily live with that for the rest of my life as long as I get to have you—alive and happy and healthy.”
But will Fallon be able to live with it?I wonder.
“And yours. I will always be yours, Ryder.”
Ryder sits back on the hood and I settle in his lap.
“I think everyone has suffered enough. It’s time to move on with our lives. It’s time we start to live again. No more shadows creeping up behind us. No more worries about the monster. I want to live, Ryder. I want those dreams of our future. I want Fallon to find peace and happiness. I want Trevor to have a relationship with his brother. I want Jayson to heal. I want Julien and Elijah to have their happy-ever-after.”
Just then a meteor streaks across the night sky.A light in the darkness.Isn’t that the comparison Fallon made about him and me?
I make a decision. It may not be the right decision, but it is the right one for me. What happened to Peter will remain buried. It’s time we move forward and look to the future with no regrets blocking our way.
“Are you ready to start our life together, Mr. Cutton?”
“Life with you is the only life worth living, baby.”
Epilogue I
Seattle
June 13
It’s been over five months since everything came out about Peter. I’m standing at the gravesite of my daughter in Seattle. Today is her birthday. I wanted to come out here alone first to spend time with Elizabeth Ann. Ryder is at the house with Daniel, Drew, Julien, and Elijah. Like the first time when I came here six months ago, they’ll all join me later today.
