Page 102 of Paper Stars Rewritten
“Do you really, Elizabeth? Because once you open a door, you may not be able to close it if you don’t like what you hear.”
She unbuckles her seat belt and crawls over the gear stick into my lap. She pierces me with her green gaze. “Did you date her?”
“Yes. We dated for about a year. I was never intimate with her. I couldn’t touch her like that because she wasn’t you. I used her because I was lonely. I was tired of waiting on the sidelines watching you and Jayson. Every fucking time, having to see you two together, was like having a dull knife slice off a piece of my heart. I was desperate. I just wanted someone to make the heartache go away.”
“And she did that for you? She helped make the pain go away?”
“That’s the sad part. She didn’t. I tried so hard to let her in, but Maria could never fill that ache for the one girl my heart wanted more than any other. She wanted more from me than I was willing to give, and Maria deserved better, or so I thought. What I found out later was that she used you to get to me. You, me, Jay, and Jules were always a unit. Basically, where one of us went, the rest would follow. Maria pretended to be your friend so she could get access to me. And I was stupid enough to let her.”
“Thank you for telling me.”
I know she must be uncomfortable with the steering wheel at her back, so I adjust the seat to give us more room. Elizabeth snuggles down against me like a baby koala, her head resting on the crook of my shoulder.
“Ryder?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry.”
“For what, baby?”
“I don’t know. I guess — it’s just all the stuff I’ve been learning about the old Elizabeth, well, I don’t much like her. How could I be in love with two different men, be in a relationship with one, and string along the other? Maria had every right to call me a bitch tonight.”
“Elizabeth, nobody is perfect. Look at what I did. I dated Maria to distract me from not being able to have you. We all do things to cope that we later look back on with shame. You’re not a bitch. You are the most loving, caring, sweetest woman I have ever known.”
“I will not be that girl again, Ryder. I don’t want to be old Elizabeth. I will not hurt you like that ever again.”
Why do I have the feeling that she’s not talking about what happened tonight?
I feel her tongue dart out and lick the side of my neck. “How many notes did you find this morning?”
I’m instantly hard. “Six.”
Elizabeth purrs into my neck. “Mmmm. I left ten. Let’s go find them.”
Chapter 30
Elizabeth
The following weeks fly by and before I know it, Halloween is only a few days away. Fallon’s frat is having a Halloween party, and I promised him Ryder and I would come. Meredith took me costume shopping last week. She found this gorgeous angel costume with white feathered wings. I’m going to be a blue Morpho butterfly. But there’s a twist. Other than my wings and antennae, it’s all body paint. Meredith’s dormmate, Sara, is an art student and she’s going to do it for me. It will be the first time I have shown my scars or my butterfly tattoos in public. I know they’ll be covered with the body paint, but I’ll still know they’re there. I’m planning on wearing a sheer lingerie set to cover my girlie bits because let’s face it, new Elizabeth might be bolder but she’s not crazy. I have a feeling that Ryder is going to go all possessive caveman on me. I’m looking forward to the sex I know I’m going to get once we get home. Probably before we leave for the party as well. Does body paint smear? I’ll have to ask Meredith’s dormmate.
He said yes. Jayson and Ryder continue to circle one another like two male lions sizing each other up, but Jayson has kept his promise. There have been no more fights. I still run with Julien every morning. Ryder and I still eat breakfast with Jayson and Julien at their condo. We still have movie nights and bad karaoke at Belly’s. We’re still a family. In the end, I officially asked Ryder to move in with me even though he never went back to the condo.
Julien’s pink shirt finally arrived, and he was a good sport about wearing it. He and Elijah made up, and Elijah plans on asking Julien to marry him at Thanksgiving. Jayson continues to leave me silver origami stars in my bag or on my doorstep. It’s gotten to the point where I have to hide them in my closet. I took down the ones I hung from my ceiling. Ryder doesn’t deserve to be forced to stare at them when we’re in bed or making love. So I took the stars down, placed them in a banker’s box, and shoved the box in the back of my closet with the other boxes from my past life.
Ryder bought me a standup piano. It’s sitting in the living room across from the bay window. I’ve been writing music again. Some evenings, Ryder takes out my guitar and joins me. We reserved one of the music rooms so I could play the drums. We ran into trumpet guy again. He ran the other way when he saw us. I don’t blame him. Ryder fucked me on the baby grand piano in the music room an hour later. I’m glad the room was sound-proofed.
We went to Julien’s first soccer game of the collegiate season. He was awesome. CU won by two points. Ryder and I have been hanging out with Fallon more. He met up with us a couple of times at the racetrack. Fallon and Trevor still hate each other. Meredith, Trevor, and I continue to meet every Wednesday evening for our study group. Ryder and I met up with them last weekend at the beach. Meredith swears that she’s not dating Trevor but did confess she slept with him again, and this time he was sober.
I’ve had no more memory blackouts. I think Ryder keeps the nightmares at bay. I love falling asleep in his arms and waking up to his gorgeous brown eyes. We’ve made love in every room and on every surface of the apartment. He tells me he loves me every day. I tell him the same. Elijah’s talk of proposals and a future wedding has me thinking about my future with Ryder. That leads to me thinking about having children which leads me to wonder if I would still be able to have children. I wish I could ask Daniel more about what happened, but I remain steadfast in my refusal to speak with him. I have spoken to Drew once to make sure he was doing okay. I made an appointment with an obstetrician and I hope she will be able to give me some answers.
The detective tried to get in touch with me again, but I deleted his message and didn’t call him back. The boys convinced me to come home with them for Thanksgiving. I reluctantly agreed. I know it’s time. If I want that future with Ryder, if I want to take the next big step with him, I need to get closure about my past and about that night. So when Jayson asked me to consider going home, I said yes. He wants us to tell his parents about Elizabeth Ann. I know they want to see me. So I said yes with the stipulation that I stay with Ryder at his family’s home. Jayson didn’t argue. We all decided to postpone the trip to Seattle until after Christmas. I have to wait two months before I can see my daughter’s grave. Sometimes at night, when I’m lying in bed, I swear I can feel a baby kick deep inside of me. Just a tiny little phantom flutter. On those nights I cry. On those nights, Ryder holds me tight and sings to me. But I guess the most important thing that has happened these past few weeks is that I now know without a doubt, I am ten thousand percent in love with Ryder Randall Cutton.
“Hey, babe?” Ryder calls to me from the kitchen. It’s five o’clock on a Thursday evening and I have a calc test to study for.
“Yeah?”
“Fallon just texted. He wants me to come look at a new car he bought. Want to come with?” He walks into the living room. My heartbeat flutters wildly like it always does when I see him.
