Page 77 of Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal
“Uh, no,” Cole says, shaking his head. “Not happening. Hedoes notwant to join us.”
“Cole, he’s your best friend.”
“Yeah, and this is not the first time he’s been stood up,” Cole says.
Uh, I beg your pardon.
“He’ll be fine. This night is about us.”
“When have I been stood up before?” I ask, offended.
Cole shrugs. “I don’t know. Just seems like something that would happen to you.”
Fucking rude.
“I think you’re remembering your past dating life, not mine.” I rock on my heels. “This fella is a real ladies’—Betty,” I say, surprised to see her this early in the night as she approaches Storee, looking cutely confused. “You’re... you’re here, in Ornament Park. That’s... uh, that’s swell. Great to, uh, see you. Looks like you’re all bundled up and warm, which is important because it’s a cold one. Very cold. Cold enough for shrinkage, you know?”
Betty looks at me, a little frightened, slightly startled. I don’t blame her, because shrinkage? Really, man?
“You know, because we talked about shrinkage last time we saw each other. Just bringing it full circle.” I loop my finger around and let out a whistle. “Um, anyway, comedians do it, but I’m not much of a comedian, are you? Eh, don’t answer that. Anyway, um... hey, nice shoes.”
As a group, we all glance down at her boots and then back up at each other.
“Umm, thank you.”
Cole leans in and whispers, “You were saying something about being a ladies’ man?”
“Shut . . . the . . . fuck . . . up,” I whisper through clenched teeth.
Betty glances around our small circle and asks, “Uh, did I get the night wrong? As I was walking over here, it seems like this is a special night for couples?”
“Oh my goodness, did I tell you to meet me tonight?” Storee asks. “Ugh, I’m sorry. I meant tomorrow. Gosh, the lack of sleep is getting me these days. I’m sorry.”
“Oh. That’s okay. I can, uh... I can meet up tomorrow.”
“No, no, don’t be silly. You look so nice,” Storee says. “Why don’t you stay? Atlas was actually just telling us how he was stood up...”
“What are you doing?” Cole asks, leaning toward his wife.
Ignoring the looming ogre at her shoulder, Storee claps her hands together and says, “Ooo, maybe we can all hang out together.”
Cole’s grumpy expression deepens.
“I would hate to have wasted your night, and Atlas is feeling kind of glum from being stood up. Might be fun.”
“I could think of something more fun,” Cole adds, not being subtle at all. What a friend. I’ve been fake stood up, and he doesn’t seem to care.
“I mean, I wouldn’t mind some company,” I say, joining in on the plan that Storee and I worked up together in the tree house. Everything seems to be falling into place. Just need Betty on board. It’s a long shot, but there might be a chance she stays, and if she doesn’t, I know Cole is kicking my ass to the curb.
Hell, I think he wants to do it right now, by the way he’s looking at me. He’s trying to communicate silently, telling me to go home and leave him to a peaceful night with his wife, child-free.Sorry, man, a guy’s got to do what a guy’s got to do.
#MustSaveTheFarm
Betty glances at all of us, but then her eyes land on me. “Were you really stood up?”
I shrug, trying to play it off as if I’m not too hurt about it. “Yeah. My brothers were playing a trick on me. Should have known. Told you they weren’t fun to be around.”
“Oh, that’s not very nice.”
