Page 73 of Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal
“What? No, never. Why would I do that?”
He shrugs. “Just seemed like you were reflecting, but I could be wrong. Am I wrong?”
“I think you’re wrong.”
“Then I’m wrong.”
“Great, you’re wrong.” I nod, even though he’s right.
After a few seconds, he asks, “Then what were you thinking about?”
Crap.
Think of something quick.
Something that would make sense.
And something that would completely throw him off.
“Squirrels,” I answer.That’s the first thing that came to mind?He’s going to ask why.
“Squirrels?” he asks. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever thought about squirrels so hard that I started muttering. I’m intrigued. Tell me more.”
And there it is.
Saw it coming.
Here we go with the rambling.
“They’re . . . uh . . . they’re big bulkers.”
“That’s what you were thinking about? You were thinking about how they’re big bulkers.”
Make it make sense, Betty.
“Yes, because it keeps them warm,” I answer. “Bulking up on all those nuts, because, ah, did you know that they bury their nuts to hide from competitors but then don’t dig them all up? Therefore, trees grow from squirrels burying all the nuts. Fascinating. The forest we live in could be because of squirrels.”
“Huh,” he says, looking thoughtful. “I never thought about squirrels in that way.”
Oh God, why is he so innocent and cute?Buying my story about squirrels. Ugh, Atlas.
“Yup and, uh, to bring it full circle, I thought about the squirrels because they wouldn’t need to have the car vents trained on them because they’re all bulked up for the winter. If they were driving in this vehicle, they’d probably ask for the AC.”
He chuckles. “Probably. Maybe even want sunglasses.”
“And a blue Hawaiian shirt with surfboards on it. Maybe a necklace that saysOn vacation.”
“That would be one badass squirrel. I’d be friends with him.”
“So would I, and I’d thank him for planting all the trees and compliment him on his weight.”
“The one time it’s acceptable,” he replies.
“He’d probably high-five us and then hightail it out of here, no pun intended.”
“Shame. Kind of wish the pun was intended. I like a good pun.”
“Really?”
