Page 174 of Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal
She sighs. “Don’t say things like that. You’re just going to turn me on, and I refuse to have sex with you with your parents downstairs, your naked ass print still fresh on their couch.”
“When I say that we are for sure not having sex with my parents downstairs, I mean that. Any sex will now occur at your cottage, because I can’t possibly do anything with you here while they’re here. You’re far too loud.”
Her mouth drops in shock. “I’m too loud? This coming from the man who growls loud enough to shake the logs of this home.”
“I’m not loud,” I say.
“Uh, yes you are.” And then in a deep voice, she says, “Oh, babe, yeah, take this dick, fucking take?—”
Knock, knock.
“Sorry to interrupt but, uh, thought Betsy would like her clothes.”
Betty clamps her hand over her mouth, eyes wide.
“It’s Betty, Mom,” I say. “And I’m sure she’d love her clothes.” I move over toward the door and crack it open, keeping my naked self to the side so she can’t see. “And thanks. We will be down in a second.”
“Sounds good. I have souvenirs.”
“Yup, can’t wait.” I shut the door and turn toward Betty, who is covering her breasts now, looking pale and horrified.
“Oh my God, Atlas, your mother thinks I want you to take my dick.”
I press my hand to my forehead. “She definitely does not think that.”
“She does.” Betty nods. “Yup, she does. Well, this relationship is over now. It was nice while it lasted. Thank you for the orgasms, but we’re done now.” She heads toward the window, and I quickly run after her, the garland still attached.
“Do not go out that window.” I tug on her hand, and she turns toward me, her eyes landing on my penis.
“For the love of God, Atlas, take the garland off your dick! Why is that still on you?”
“I don’t know. You used some sort of wizardry tying it on.” I unravel the garland and then toss it. I’ll never look at popcorn garland the same. “There, that better?”
“No,” she says, her eyes welling up. “This is... this is a disaster.”
She covers her eyes, and I quickly pull her into my chest, rubbing her back.
“And I can’t even put my shirt back on because it’s way too inappropriate.”
“Shh,” I say. “I know it feels embarrassing right now, but I promise my parents are chill. We’ll be laughing about this later. And you can wear one of my sweatshirts, okay?”
She looks up at me, a tear falling down her cheek. “Can this please not be spread through the town? I don’t think I’d be able to survive.”
“I’ll make sure of it.”
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Betty
Narrator: Can’t get the visual of that garland attached to his penis out of my head. What about you?
And the thunking sound it made while he walked up the stairs?
Answer me this: Why didn’t he gather the garland and carry it up? Why did his penis have to do the heavy lifting?
Either way, I know one thing for sure. While Betty was going to the bathroom and gathering herself, Atlas ran downstairs, looked his parents in the eyes, and told them not to repeat a thing that they saw. Then he ran back upstairs before Betty came out of the bathroom.
If anything, our boy Max is a gentleman. He lets her come first—for the most part; sometimes he’s quick on the trigger, but we’ll credit our girl for that—and he protects his lady friend from salacious town gossip. What more can you ask for?
