Page 173 of Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal
Yup, well, easier said than done.
Keeping the blanket wrapped around the both of us, we shuffle forward, only for the garland to shuffle along with us, trailing between my legs.
What are the goddamn chances?
“Oh, I think the garland is attached to the blanket,” Mom says, pointing to the ground.
Nope, not so much.
“I can grab that for you.”
Mom heads toward us, reaching for the garland, but I squeeze my ass cheeks together and yelp, “No, nope, don’t touch it.”
“It’s fine, dear. I can grab it for you.”
She bends down, and I screech, “It’s attached to my dick. Do not tug it. Do not pull. It’s attached to my penis, so please for the love of God, just let it be.”
Mom backs up, looking absolutely horrified. “Why on earth would it be attached to your penis?”
Great question, and I’m about to tell her when Betty steps in.
“Umm, is that not how you make popcorn garland?” Betty asks. “I could have sworn that was in the provided instructions.”
“We absolutely did not write that?—”
“Ida,” Dad grumbles from the entryway, dragging his hand over his face. “They were clearly playing around with the garland in a sexual manner, and we walked in on them. It’s got to be something the young people are doing these days. Probably saw it on social media somewhere.”
“Actually, we came up with it ourselves,” Betty says, and I can feel her wince even though I can’t see it. “Actually, you’re right, it was social media. Definitely not something I came up with on the spot. Nor was I eating the popcorn off his penis. I was just... um, wrapping it around his penis because we wanted to... uh... we wanted to see how much we could wrap around for scientific purposes, you know, because he’s so long and thick?—”
“And we’re going upstairs,” I say, moving her along, the garland trailing behind. “Please, remove this from your memory. When we return, we will have a normal conversation about your trip. Okay? Great. Thanks.”
We start up the stairs, plastered to each other, and with every step I take, the garland bangs against the wood stair, slightly tugging on my cock, reminding my parents what they just walked in on.
Yup, this very well might ruin Christmas.
“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,” Betty says as she flees from the blanket once she’s in my room. Her fingers dig into her hair as she looks up at me. “What the hell was that? Did you know your parents were coming home? And why did I talk to your mom about your monstrous dick? She probably doesn’t want to know that, but I couldn’t think of anything else, and when I’m nervous, I ramble, and oh my God, why didn’t you remove the string from your dick before you got up? You shouldhave removed it, because then they wouldn’t have known that I was eating popcorn off your penis. But now... now they probably think I was hoping for some... I don’t know... some seasoning from your penis for my garland.” Her eyes widen. “They must think I’m a floozy. A harlot. I mean, I was on the floor between your legs with popcorn garland. I was clearly sucking your penis, eating popcorn off it like it’s my very own corn on the cob. I’ll never be able to look at them ever again.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I say, coming up to her, the garland still attached. I pull her into my chest and wrap my arms around her. “They’re not going to think any of those things, especially the penis seasoning thing, because honestly, I don’t even know where you were going with that.”
“Atlas, that was not how I wanted to meet your parents.”
“Yeah, that’s not how I wanted you to meet them either. I’d have preferred it if we were both wearing clothes and you weren’t hanging out between my legs.”
“Ugh, that’s what happens when I try to be adventurous. We should have just waited until after dinner like you scheduled, but noooooo, I had to try to seduce you like you seduced me, and look what happened. Your parents caught me nibbling on your nether regions.” She pulls away and sticks her hands through her hair again, clearly in distress. “Think I can sneak out the window?”
“Babe, we’re in the attic.”
“I know, but I can be... agile. I can shimmy off a roof.”
I walk up to her again and pull her close to my chest, kissing the top of her head. “No one is going to shimmy off the roof. What’s going to happen is we’re going to remove the garland from my dick; then we’re going to put clothes on and go talk to my parents. Simple as that.”
“What clothes?” she asks. “My clothes are downstairs, and I didn’t even wear a bra over here because I thought it would be sexy.”
“Trust me, it was sexy. Everything about what we were doing was sexy, up until the point that my parents walked in.”
“You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”
“Uh, nope, it’s a fact. Took my dick quite a long time to become flaccid, even with my parents standing in the entryway. I was turned on and ready to follow your direction. And I’m not saying that to make you feel better. I’m saying that because it’s the truth. If my parents didn’t show up, I’d probably have your legs wrapped around my head, my tongue lapping at your clit.”
