Page 48 of Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal
Gus... I mean Guy. Fuck, what is wrong with me? Guy leans back and chuckles while muttering, “Bing. Bang. Boom.”
Cole just stares at me, blinking.
After a few seconds, he says, “Like I said before, you’re an idiot.”
“I’m not. This is a great plan. This will work. And it’s the only way to make sure they don’t try to take over. In the meantime, while I work my wooing magic, I can have Martha and Mae Bawhovier go through the town records for me and see if they can find any sort of... clause or something that talks about businesses overlapping outside the town limits, but that will take time. And I need time. Therefore, let the wooing commence.”
I sit and cross one leg over the other, completely pleased with myself and my well-thought-out plan I’ve conjured up. “Come on. You can’t tell me this plan isn’t bulletproof.”
“It’s fucking Swiss cheese,” Cole says. “There are holes everywhere. It won’t work.”
“You have lost your mind,” I say with a shake of my head.
“Dude, look in a mirror when you say that.”
Storee reappears, and this time, she’s without cookies. With an empathetic expression, she takes a seat on the chair next to me and reaches out for my hand. She gives it a gentle pat while she says, “Atlas, you know I love you and put up with a lot of your ideas, but I really think this might be something that you don’t pursue.”
“Why not?” I ask. “I need time. This gives me time.”
“Because... what if she grows attached to you? You don’t want to hurt her.”
“I don’t want to hurt her?” I ask, sitting taller, pointing to my chest. “I don’t want to hurther? Uh, absolutely I do. Let’s think back to what has happened so far. She moves in next to me, attacks me with a two-liter bottle, gets me sent to jail, which I have a court hearing for, thank you very much, and then snoops around my farm, attacks me with another two-liter when I was bringing her a peace offering, threatens me with a gallon of tea, leaves me high and dry to wallow in pain in the parking lot, and has a master plan to put my family out of business. I don’t want to hurt her? Uh, no, I want to annihilate her. I want her crying so hard, she’s dehydrated. I want her to know what pain is, the same kind of pain I felt when a bottle of Coca-Cola smashed directly into my sternum.”
“When he puts it like that, he might have a point,” Guy says.
“Thank you...Guy,” I say, making sure to enunciate his name.
“And frankly, I don’t see why he doesn’t at least give it a try. Who’s to say she’ll fall in love with him? If anything, he can make her realize he’s a human, and maybe sufficient guilt consumesher and slows her plans, giving Martha and Mae enough time to look through the town archives. I see value in the plan.”
I slowly clap. “And that’s why Guy is part of the story.”
“Huh?” Storee asks.
“Don’t worry about it.” I shake her off. “But see, it’s a valid plan. I just need you guys to be on board.”
“Why the hell would we need to be on board?” Cole asks.
“Because I need you to help set the booby-trapped meet-cutes. Or if you want, we can shorten it tothe BTMCs.”
“No,” Cole says.
“Booby-trapped meet-cutesit is then.”
“I mean no, we’re not helping.”
Guy raises his hand. “I don’t mind helping.”
“Guy,” Taran says, entering the room now. “Please, don’t get yourself mixed up in all this.”
“Why not?” He shrugs. “I don’t have anything better to do at the moment. Might as well help a man save his farm.”
“Damn it.” I smack the table, rattling the glasses and china. “You are an unexpected twist in all this, and I like it.” I lean over the table and hold out my hand. Guy takes it and gives it a good shake. “Thank you.”
“Any time.”
“Anyone else want to join?” I hold out my arms, gesturing to the rest of the group. “This is the golden chance to take part in an inaugural opportunity, one that I’m sure will be talked about for decades to come.” When no one offers to join, I say, “Anyone, speak now. We might not have openings later.” Crickets. “No one else, okay, that’s fine. Gus, it looks like it’s you and me.”
His face falls, and I realize my grave mistake.
