Page 35 of Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal
Crap, I think I might have really hurt him.
Feeling slightly guilty, I stand back up, set my phone to the side, and open the door, slowly of course, in case he’s faking it. When I see him gripping his chest and writhing in pain, the Coca-Cola rolling off to the side, I feel that I’m safe... for the moment.
Stepping over the pretzels and spilled popcorn, I toe his leg and say, “Are you in need of medical attention?”
“I’m in need of National Guard protection fromyou,” he groans. He rolls to his side again but this time he carefully sits up, rubbing his chest. “Fuck.”
His eyes meet mine, and it’s the first time I’ve actually had a chance to study him. For a burglar-predator, he’s actually quite handsome. But that’s how they get you. They charm you with their deep-timbre voice and their carved jaws, which are lightly peppered in facial hair, and when you relax, that’s when they snatch you up. Well, not me. I’m prepared.
“I think you might have broken my sternum.”
“I’d say that’s being a bit dramatic.” I cross my arms over my robe-covered body. “If you were a wafer of a man, I’d say that’s a great possibility, but you’re not that.”
His brow raises as he looks up at me from where he’s sitting on my porch, looking incredibly pathetic in a jacket with a winter hat and... Are those mittens? A grown-ass man wearing mittens? Maybe I shouldn’t be as afraid as I thought I should be. “Are you saying that I’m a tall drink of water?”
“No. I’m saying that you have meat on your bones that would help absorb some of the impact from the soda.”
“So . . . you’re saying I’m muscular.”
I roll my eyes. “Do you have friends?”
“Huh?” he asks. “That’s a strange change of topic.”
“No, it’s very much on topic, because from the few sentences you’ve spoken to me, you’re coming off quite annoying?—”
“Uh, are you forgetting about the harpoon stealer? You didn’t seem to find me annoying then.”
“Those are two different men: charming man on the sidewalk and creepy pervert trying to break into my cottage. Which brings me back to the thought... I wonder if you have any friends. Or maybe the reason you’re skulking around innocent ladies’ cottages is because you don’t have any friends and therefore are looking to eat the brains of the people you prey on because you’re mad at the human race.”
“Jesus,” he says, scooting back on the porch. “You’re not quite in the holly jolly mood, are you?”
“I’m just calling it like I see it.”
“Well, you’re seeing it all wrong.”
“And how should I see it?”
He carefully stands from the ground, still holding his chest. When he straightens up, he says, “Maybe you could invite me in, and we could talk about it.”
“Ha!” I scoff. “As if I’d let you in my cottage. I’m not naive. If you want to explain something to me, you can explain it to me right there, where you’re standing on my porch. But hold on a second.” I shut the door on him and grab a jug of Arizona Green Tea from the kitchen. When I open the door again, he’s back on the ground, but instead of wallowing in pain, he’s picking up the pretzels and popcorn.
When he looks up and sees that I’m holding a gallon of liquid, I see true fear cross his features.
Slowly, he backs away, holding his hands up and leaving the destroyed treats on the ground.
“Listen, I know what you can do with that liquid, okay? I’m not... I’m not going to hurt you. If anything, I should be the one on guard.”
“Best you know not to mess with me.” I gesture to him. “Now, go on and tell me why you’re here so I can get on with my night. I have a fresh ball of yarn waiting to be crocheted.”
He scratches the side of his head. “Well, I brought you some treats as a kind gesture, to show you that I’m not the animal that you think I am. But those, uh, those suffered a bit through a slight misfortune. And I was hoping to clarify what I was doing during both of our unfortunate interactions.”
I prop the tea on my hip like I’m holding a baby and say, “Proceed.”
“Well, the other night, I promise, I wasn’t trying to break into your cottage. I was actually trying to figure out who lived here.”
“With a crowbar?” I deadpan.
He grips the back of his neck. “Yeah, I know how that looks, but it was more for protection from murderous bears.”
