Page 29 of Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal
And that’s what I’ll lead with.
Let thefix my reputationcommence.
“Good morning,” Tanya, the owner, says. “Interesting seeing you in here, Max.”
I smile at her. “Just wanted to take my niece out, share a muffin with her.” I can practically feel Cole’s eye roll from here.
Tanya leans against the counter. “Uh-huh, looking for some sympathy after the shocking news that’s been spreading around about you? So you’ll use a child to clean up your image?”
“Told you it wouldn’t work,” Cole says, reclaiming his daughter and ordering a blueberry muffin and some water.
Cutting the bullshit, I say, “Tanya, do you really believe that stuff about me? Come on, you’ve known me for a long time. Do you really think I’m a pervert predator, attacking a woman on my own farm?”
“No,” she says, ringing Cole up. “But it’s been fun to talk about, that’s for sure.”
“Tanya,” I groan. “You know I don’t like to be the subject of gossip.”
“Which is why I’m glad you came in today, because I’d like to hear the truth.”
“Trust me, you don’t,” Cole says.
“Ignore him,” I say. “He’s resurfaced his grumpy disposition.” Shooing Cole away, I add, “Take your baby over there, and share a muffin while I lay down the facts.”
“Let me text Sherry first,” Tanya says. “You know she’ll be the biggest asset to fixing your image. She has the biggest mouth out of all of us, and the picture of you dressed as a dog in those booty shorts is still the wallpaper on her phone. You know she’s your advocate.”
I tap the counter. “Yes, do that. Ring your friend. The truth will prevail.”
I order a peppermint mocha and then take a seat at the counter, where I can talk to Tanya while she works and hopefully most of the shop can listen in. She drops off my drink just as Sherry arrives.
Rubbing her hands together, she says, “Oh, it’s a chilly one today.”
“I took the liberty of making you a coffee,” Tanya says, setting her cup down next to mine.
“Such a good friend. Thank you.” Sherry then turns to me and takes a seat. “Tell me everything.”
This was the goal when entering this establishment—to clear the air and let people know what really happened.
So I start from the very beginning, telling them about the invaders I heard in the woods, then my parents disappearing—which Cole of course interjected in order to tell them how much of an idiot I was—then my search for the truth and protecting my farm. They patted me on the shoulder, told me that I was brave for going out there alone, and Cole rolled his eyes heavily. And then when I got to the cottage part, I admitted that I took it too far, that maybe I shouldn’t have tried to peek in through the windows. If anything, my parents raised a truth teller. I told them I was justly arrested but made sure they knew I wasnot breaking in—I made that very clear. The crowbar was for protection, not for prying open windows and busting into an unknown residence.
They nodded, agreeing with my wrongs, and then I brought up the farm.
I told them some lady has been snooping around, asking about our vendors and our suppliers, so when Kate saw that she was there again, I wanted to introduce myself, ask questions, but that was when it all fell apart, because lo and behold, it was the same woman who nailed me in the head with a two-liter bottle of Pepsi.
“Wow,” Tanya says with a shake of her head. “That’s some story.”
“I know, but it’s the truth. I wasn’t trying to attack her. I was just trying to find out what her angle was, you know?”
“That makes sense,” Tanya says, and when I turn to look at Sherry for confirmation, that she believes my story, she’s staring off into the distance.
“Uh, everything okay over there?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “No.” She presses her hand to her forehead. “This girl, bright blond hair? More petite?”
“Yeah,” I say. “Really blue eyes.”
Like... the bluest I think I’ve ever seen on a person, not that I noticed or anything.
Okay, maybe I noticed a little.
