Page 105 of Merry Christmas, You Filthy Animal
Or is there a secret side of Max that we don’t know?
“Max, open up.” Cole bangs on my front door.
Grumbling, I peel myself off the couch and open the door for him but leave it as I go back to my comfort zone. I’ve been sittinghere ever since this morning, when I decided not to partake in farm duties today and opted to catch up on some admin work.Thank God for competent staff who can pick up the slack when I’m not there.
Cole shuts the door behind him and then joins me in the living room. He studies me for a second and then says, “Everyone has been sent home.”
I glance at him. “Why?”
“The storm,” he says. “Have you not been paying attention?”
“There’s a storm coming?” I noticed the winds have picked up, which causes power outages out here on the farm, but a storm?
“Yes. They’re calling for over a foot of heavy snow. Jesus, man. What the hell has been going on? You don’t show up to work today; you’re clearly not paying attention to the weather; you’re sulking around; you’ve been having secret meetings in the tree house with my wife?—”
I sit up. “You know about that?”
“Yeah, of course I do, as it’s hard not to hear you two out there chomping on Crunch Tators. And then Storee’s been a mess, saying she’s worried about you. So... what’s going on?”
I drag my hands over my face as I say, “You don’t want to know.”
“Clearly, I do if I’m here.”
Yeah, and I know he’s not going to leave me alone until he finds out. Well, he’s going to regret it, because I’m a mess too, and I have no problem unloading all my problems on him.
“Remember the plan?” I ask, defeated.
“What plan?”
“The one I laid out in my diagram?”
“The one you drew in crayon?” he asks with a raise of his brow.
“Yes, that one.”
“Yesss,” he drags out skeptically.
“Well, Storee and I sort of got together and put it into action.”
“Jesus Christ.” He shakes his head, looking extremely frustrated when he sits in the chair opposite mine. He rubs his temples and asks one simple question, “Why?”
“Because I was desperate. Because I thought it would work. Because I thought I was being really smart and intelligent and stealth. But the problem is I didn’t think I’d start liking her while putting the plan into action, which I did. And I didn’t think Dwight would get in the way, which he did. And now it’s all a mess. She’s mad at me. Won’t talk to me. And worst of all, she thinks I’m a barbarian bully who tormented Dwight in high school.”Something I definitely did not do.
“Why would she think that?”
“Because that’s what he told her this morning. He told her that I bullied him. Tormented him. That I was the one who took his wish ornament off the tree, the one for Jessica.”
“What? He’s blaming that on you?”
“Yeah. And I have no idea why. First, he was the one who started being a fucking dick in high school, and instead of taking it, I just gave it right back, but I didn’t torment him. Second, I’d never take an ornament off that tree. It’s sacred. My parents taught me that from an early age. But now Betty is under the impression that I lied to her, that everything I did was all about manipulating her opinion?—”
“I mean... wasn’t it though? Wasn’t that the plan?”
I look up at my friend. “It was until it wasn’t. I liked her far too quickly to even try to manipulate her, and the wooing wasn’t out of revenge, it was out of interest. I can admit that now.”
“And did you woo her?”
I look my friend in the eyes and nod. “I fucking did.”
