Page 74 of Bridesmaid By Chance
“If you let me elaborate, then you would understand,” Melva says, examining her pizza before taking a bite. “So sit. Let me turn your vaginal walls from blue to burning red.”
Wow.
Out of pure curiosity to see what this nutcase has to say, I take a seat. “By all means, please, heat up my vaginal walls.”
Smiling, she tosses her crust on the pizza box, brushes off her hands, and then folds them in her lap. “You’re doing too much, trying too hard. This will only lead to frustration on your part, and why should you be the one who is frustrated over the male brain? It’s not fair to you.”
Okay, yeah, I can agree with that, so I let her proceed.
“You’re trying every trick in the book, and nothing is working, which means, he’s a different kind of breed. You need to try theless is betterapproach. You need to play along, so he’s looking for affection, begging for you to pay attention to him. You’ve almost primed him at this point, to want to wait for you. Now he needs to see you disinterested. He needs to know what it’s like when you don’t pay him attention, when you’re indifferent to the situation.”
Shit…that’s a good idea. I don’t want to admit it, but God, it’s actually really smart.
“You will break him because, if I know men like I know my heroes, they’re not going to appreciate going unnoticed. And when you must be together, when you need to put on a show, that’s when you give him a taste of what he’s missing out on. But when you are alone together with no onlookers, you are unengaged, offering him nothing of your personality. Give him very little.”
Stacey looks my way with a smile in her eyes as I think about this intriguing advice, something I never would have thought of—hell, my next move was going to climb into his lap at night, completely naked, and just start dry humping him, probably only to be rejected. But this…this feels genius. This feels mature.
Might I say…demure…mindful…
“Okay,” I say, trying to hold back my conniving smile. “This feels…this feels brilliant.”
Melva picks at her front tooth. “It’s why they call me the plot fairy. I know how to twist and turn the lives of my characters.”
“I guess so.” I stand again. “Well, I guess I should go try it out, see what the husband has to think about my negligence.”
Melva shakes her head. “No, dear, you are not.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you are not to rush home to him. You owe him nothing. You stay out as late as you want. Make him wait, make him wonder, make him wish that you were home with him.”
“That is…that is even more devious.”
She taps the side of her head. “Not just a rack for vulva earrings.”
“Not even a little. Which I must say, love the earrings, very…labia-like.”
“Thank you. I saw you eyeing them.”
“How could you not,” I say to my new best friend. “They’re vaginas.”
“You’re right, and who doesn’t love a vagina?”
“Not me,” I say, raising my hand. “Sheesh, where are our manners? Can I get you a drink?”
Stacey rolls her eyes, probably hating my change of tune.
“No, but I would love some ice cream.”
“Ooof, we don’t have any,” I say.
“Doesn’t mean you can’t order some. We have time.”
A large smile crosses my face. “You are right. We have plenty of time.”
Chapter Twelve
HUDSON
