Page 151 of The Path to Loving Him
“Lasted is a loose term, more like survived.” I lean my head against the dresser, looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars we stuck to Mac’s ceiling and the one she claims is Cassidy, watching over her. As I talk to Aubree, I almost feel like I’m talking to Cassidy at the same time. “I don’t want this. I don’t want to be sucked into these feelings. I’m already passing off Mac to you guys more than I should.”
“What do you mean?” Aubree says. “You’re not passing her off. We’re a family unit, Ryland. You might have custody, but we’re all in charge of her. It’s in Cassidy’s letters that she left us. She wanted us to help you, to watch over you while you watched over Mac. You’re not passing her off. You’re letting us be a part of her life.”
“I know, but I should be doing more with her. It feels like ever since Gabby came into my life, I’m not spending the kind of time with Mac that I should be.”
“That’s not true. You spend every evening with her. Just when we arrived, she showed me the fort you made for her with the boxes and how you spent the other night painting the sides so there were vines on the fort. The swing on the tree that she loves was your idea. This room full of horses and stars, that was you. This freaking house, Ryland. This is all you. You’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing for her. You’re going aboveand beyond. It’s okay to want to have some time for yourself and a life of your own. We encourage it.”
I shake my head. “Cassidy was better at this.”
“Of course she was. She was Cassidy,” Aubree says. “And we’ve talked about this. You can’t compare yourself to her. She was Mac’s mom. You are her uncle who’s slipping into the parent role, and, if you ask me, you’re doing a better fucking job than I think I could have ever done. You cannotfeel guilty about liking someone because you think it’s distracting.”
“It is a distraction. Gabby is a huge distraction, Aubree. Last night, when she found out about Bennett, at first, I didn’t know what she was crying about. All I saw were tears and I went into protective mode. Everything else around me went black and all I could focus on was her. What if . . . what if Mac needed me at that moment, I’m not sure I would have responded, I was so focused on Gabby.”
“I don’t believe that for a second. I think you can care for more than one person. You did it for us when we were growing up. You took care of all of us girls, shielded us from Dad, and took the brunt of his abuse so not one of us had to suffer through it. That was all you.”
I run my hand over my mouth. “This feels different, Aubree.”
“Because Gabby is different. She could very much be your person. I know that might freak you out, that hearing such a thing might be too soon for you, but there’s a strong bond there that all of us saw. There’s something different between the two of you, but there is one thing I know for certain. No matter how strong that bond is between you and Gabby, it won’t get in the way of you and Mac. Because I know you won’t allow it and I know for certain that Gabby won’t allow it.”
She’s right. Gabby would never let anything come between me and Mac, because I know she has the same sort of feelings about her relationship with Bennett.
“I know you’re right.”
“Then what’s holding you up?”
I look Aubree in the eyes and say, “I’m too . . . I’m too damaged. Between Dad and Samantha, I don’t think I can open myself up to someone else. I don’t think I have it in me. I’m not strong enough and need to save my strength for Mac. But, fuck, I can’t seem to let her go.”
“Then don’t, Ryland. Figure out a way to open up to her. Take baby steps.”
“But what if those baby steps don’t amount to anything? What am I going to do? Should I just lead her on? That’s not fair to her. And then we have to fucking work together? This is so messed up.”
Aubree moves down to the ground and sits next to me, shoulder to shoulder. “I get where your head is at. There are a lot of what-ifs rolling around in there. I had the same fear when I started to fall for Wyatt because we were in a different situation. I didn’t want to have feelings for a man who planned on leaving after a year, but I couldn’t stop them from developing, no matter how hard I tried. When it came to that point, the one when I couldn’t take it anymore, I just . . . I jumped. Feet first, with no parachute, and hoped that he was there to catch me at the bottom. I think with Gabby, you have to do the same thing. Trust that she’s going to be there to catch you, to hold your hand, to help you. She’s a good person, Ryland.”
“She’s a really good person,” I say. “That’s why I don’t want to hurt her.”
“Then don’t.” Aubree takes my hand in hers. “Take it slow, discuss your fears, and you never know, you might very well be surprised with how she responds.”
Take it slow.
Discuss your fears.
Of those two things, the last one is the most terrifying. What if I discuss my fears, and she bolts? Because who would want to take on someone who had a monster as a father...who might have his same anger inside him?
I get what Aubree’s saying. And I’m thankful again for Wyatt, who has helped my sister be this open. This wise about relationships.
But I’m not ready to explore the what-ifs. Not yet. Not when Bennett deserves all of her attention and focus.
I let out a deep sigh. “Not today. Today is her day with Bennett, but after that, I’ll have the conversation with her.”
“What are you going to do tonight?”
“What do you mean?”
Aubree wiggles her brows at me. “Hayes only has one bed and a shitshow for a couch in that apartment.”
My body grows warm. “I guess that’s something we’ll have to deal with when the time comes.”
“Uh-huh.” She smiles and stands to her feet. She takes my hand and helps me up. Then to my surprise, she wraps her arms around me and gives me a hug. Aubree’s not the hugging kind, or the touching kind, but it seems as though Wyatt has worn off on her, so I hug her back. “I really hope that you give this a shot. You deserve to be happy. You deserve more than a life of being the uncle who has custody. You’re more than that, Ryland, and you can excel at many things. Multiple things. You did when you were younger, so you can now.”
