Page 188 of How My Neighbour Stole Christmas
“Possibly. Think I should submit it to the Dad Joke Emporium?”
“Is that a thing?”
“I don’t know. Sounds like it could be a thing.”
“Maybe you should.”
She sets the salt and pepper shakers down. “Maybe I will. Ooo, look at these tea towels. I love the vintage print on them.”
“That’s a recurring print,” I say. “You’ll find it on place mats and tablecloths and then on some knickknacks. I think it’s the print Mrs. Dankworth chose for the season. There’s always a new one every year.”
“Well, good on her. But I don’t think Aunt Cindy needs another tea towel or tablecloth. She has so many. Taran has been in charge of changing them every week, so they all get equal time in the light. Aunt Cindy’s words, not mine.”
“My mom would do something similar. She has a lot of mugs and dishware, and she would be sure to rotate them so they all had a chance to celebrate Christmas.”
“Isn’t it weird that we can believe that inanimate objects have feelings?” she asks.
“Yes. But my mom was a huge believer.”
We move over to the candles, and Storee picks up a balsam-scented one, takes off the top, and gives it a sniff. “Wow, that smells amazing.”
She leans the candle in my direction, and I take a sniff as well. “Smells like Max’s office.”
“Ooo, we should have had sex in there. I would have loved to do it surrounded by the smell of trees.”
I laugh. “That can be arranged.”
She picks up an apple pie-scented candle and sniffs it. “Would you really have sex in your friend’s office?”
“I would have sex on top of my friend if it meant being able to be with you.”
She pauses and gives me a sideways look. “Did you hear how that sounded?”
I shrug, not caring. “I said what I said.”
She nods and picks up a candle labeledChristmas Sweater.“Now would that be considered a threesome if we had sex on top of Atlas?”
I sniff the candle when she offers it, not too impressed. “Uh, I don’t think so. I think he would be considered an object in this scenario, like a bed or a desk.”
“Hmm, and like all other inanimate objects, would he have feelings too?”
“If we were fucking on top of him, I’m pretty sure he’d have feelings about it. And knowing him, it would probably be idiotic feelings.”
“What do you mean by that?” She picks up the balsam candle again and tucks it into the crook of her arm as we move toward the ornaments.
“Meaning he probably wouldn’t be annoyed. He’d be more proud, like he needed to encourage us and offer pointers. That’s the kind of guy Max is.”
She chuckles. “Oh my God, I could so see him doing that. Like…‘Hey, Cole, try fingering her with three fingers.’”
“Shhh,” I say on a laugh. “Christ, I don’t want to get kicked out of the store because you’re talking about fingering. Remember, the Dankworths patrol the aisles. And you’re on their watch list ever since you knocked over the signature tree.”
She pauses and turns toward me. “Wait, am I?”
I nod. “Oh yeah, there’s a picture of you behind the register and everything.”
“Seriously? That was an accident. I should go ask them to take it down.” She heads toward the front, but I tug on her arm, laughing.
“Storee, I’m kidding.”
