Page 74 of Bridesmaid Undercover
Let me know. I’d be more than happy to help you embarrass yourself.
The Prof
To:Everly Plum
From: Hardy Hopper
Subject: Splitting my pants
I don’t know why I’m gravitating toward ripped pants, but there’s something about it that screams a must-do. Maybe in a Harry Styles kind of way. Did you see that clip that went viral of him splitting his pants during his tour? Right up the front. I think a frontal rip is better than a back rip. Back rip makes me think there’s a bit too much cake in the trunks, whereas a frontal rip is all about what’s happening in the crotchal—yes, I made up that word—region.
What do you think? Should I pre-tear my pants in an inconspicuous way and then lunge to grab something, only to split the crotch wide open?
Feels like a winning situation all around.
Henrietta
To:Hardy Hopper
From: Everly Plum
Subject: RE: Splitting my pants
You know, I wouldn’t have pegged you as someone who wants to have a crotch split in public, but here we are, discussing your best options for letting the breeze in through the front door.
I have to ask, what’s the state of your underwear?
Before we start ripping pants open, I think we need to account for what your underwear looks like right now. Especially if a full frontal is involved, we have to be certain that the underwear is up to standards.
The Prof
To:Everly Plum
From: Hardy Hopper
Subject: Best Undies IN TOWN!
Plum…I’m surprised you even have to ask the state of my underwear.
I’m a clean man.
I wash in all crevices, a daily deep clean.
Clothes are always laundered with care, folded, and gently used.
There are no holes, no frail hems, no…stains.
My underwear is the most impeccable underwear you will ever come across. So please…please don’t ever question if myunderwear is ready to flap in the breeze, because it is. It’s more than ready. It’s prepared to be strung up on a flagpole and waved around like a flag because of how perfect it is.
Some might say my underwear can double as a napkin.
A placemat.
A pillowcase.
A washcloth.
People have said they wish I would give away my underwear because of how amazing it is. So, yes, my underwear is more than ready. No need to converse about the fabric that clings to my crotch every day.
