Page 82 of So This Is War
“Kind of funny you were looking for her for so long, and she was in the arena all along,” Blakely says.
“I can’t even think about that,” I say with a shake of my head. “Anyway, she’s now my assistant, and Coach Wood told me if I even look at her, he’s going to kill me, meaning she’s completely off limits.”
“Ahh.” Ollie nods, understanding. “Hence the forever boner.”
“Exactly.” I point at Ollie.
“But can I ask something?” Winnie says. “We understand the boner now, but care to explain the bucket hat, sunglasses, and scarf? You look like the leading lady of a movie from the 1920s.”
Ha, I almost forgot I was wearing all of this.
“I didn’t want anyone noticing me as I walked around with a boner in my jeans.”
“Do you really still have one?” Blakely asks with a cringe to her nose.
“It’s a semi,” I reply.
Blakely makes a gagging expression.
“Hey,” I say. “That’s offensive. I’ll have you know, I have a nice penis. It might not be pierced like Silas’s or a girthy cannon like Halsey’s, or a baby maker like Eli’s or . . . whatever Pacey has, but it’s nice.”
“Pacey has a wonderful penis.” Winnie smiles to the group as if she just offered up a great show-and-tell item.
“Not something his sister needs to hear,” Penny says, causing Winnie to laugh.
Cutting in, I say, “For the record, my penis is amazing. There’s something secret about it that people don’t know, and I also have perfectly shaped balls. Bare balls. Hairless.”
They all study me, looks of confusion in their eyes.
Finally, Penny speaks up. “Going to skip over the hairless situation and ask. What do you mean there’s something secret about your penis?”
“Yeah, that’s confusing because now my mind is racing,” Ollie says. “Like . . . what kind of things are happening down there? Does a little man pop out of your penis when the lady comes, offering a congratulations to everyone involved?”
“That’s ridiculous. Of course not,” I say, but then think about what that little man might look like. Maybe he’s holding a pot of gold.
“Oh my God, he’s thinking about the little man,” Penny says.
“Am not,” I say petulantly even though I think he would have a pot of gold, but we’ll keep that between us.
“Then what is it?” Blakely asks.
“I’d prefer not to share.”
“You open our conversation with you have a boner, but you aren’t going to share what’s special about your penis?” Penny asks. “Make that make sense.”
“Some things are private, and I prefer to keep that private.”
Winnie leans forward to address all the women. “I bet he comes glitter.”
“Ooo, now that’s a trick,” Ollie says. “Is that what it is? Do you have glitter cum?”
“You know, under certain light, it does sparkle.” I tap my chin.
“Mother of God, I’m going to leave and tell Eli what’s going on if you don’t clue us in,” Penny says with the patience of a saint . . .
Please note the sarcasm.
“Fine, but this is in the circle of trust. We say nothing to the men in your lives. I’m serious, they can’t find out about anything we’re talking about because they won’t be helpful and will probably make the situation worse. The last thing I need is for one of them to say something around Coach Wood. Can I trust you all?”
