Page 80 of So This Is War
“Thank you all for being here.”I rest my hands on the table. “I know you have busy lives, and I want you to know I value your time?—”
“Just tell us what’s going on,” Ollie says, her arms folded across her chest.
“And it better be good,” Penny adds. “Because Eli was just getting out of the shower.”
“Halsey and I were just about to go to bed,” Blakely says. “I think you know what that means.”
I nod just as Winnie says, “Hold on, ladies, before we get irritated with him, let’s hear him out. He wouldn’t pull us all out of our homes for something stupid.” She gestures toward me. “Tell us what’s going on.”
I clear my throat and say, “I have a boner.”
“Oh my God.” Ollie tosses her hands up in the air and stands.
“Jesus Christ, Posey.” Penny stands as well.
“You’re disgusting.” Blakely scoots her chair out, and I hold my hands out to stop them.
“Wait,” I say in a panic. “Just listen.”
“I stood up for you,” Winnie says, looking offended. “And you open with I have a boner? Come on, man.”
“I’m sorry, but . . . fuck, it hurts bad.”
Penny turns to Blakely and says, “I told you this would be stupid, but you were like, ohhhh, let’s give him a chance. It’s Posey, whatever DEFCON 1 means to him, means a leisurely stroll to us. Come on, let’s go.”
“No, wait, please don’t go,” I say, standing and slightly bending over because the boner is still very much present. “I promise, this is worth your time.” The server with our drinks walks over at just that moment. “And see, look, drinks. And treats. You don’t want to abandon drinks and treats, do you?”
Blakely and Penny exchange looks. Winnie wets her lips. And Ollie sits down.
“Fine, but this better be good,” Ollie says, acting like her man, Silas, the grump. Seems as though couples do start to act like each other, which means I hope Mrs. Holmes offers sympathy like Halsey usually does.
They all take their seats. I divvy out their drinks and treats, and watch them settle in.
Once all their eyes are on me, and they seem semi-satisfied with the blueberry coffee cake that’s been passed around, I say, “I have a boner.”
“Mother of God,” Penny whispers.
“And it won’t go away,” I continue.
“That’s what emergency rooms are for,” Blakely says.
“It’s not an emergency room kind of thing. This is a mental thing. You see, I’m in quite the situation, and I called upon you four because I believe you are my best bet at figuring this all out.”
“You didn’t think to text the men who brought us into this situation?” Penny asks. “You know, your teammates, your friends?”
“Why would I ask them for help? They’re completely inept when it comes to love. And before you all start defending them, I’ll have you know I’m the backbone of your relationships. The reason you were able to find peace and love with the humans you share a life with now is because of me.” I point at my chest. “Without me, you would all be single or with someone else.”
“What do you mean?” Winnie asks.
I sigh heavily and run through the list. I point at Winnie and say, “I didn’t hit on you and take the spotlight. You’re welcome.” I point at Ollie and say, “Oye my dick, that was from me. You’re welcome.” I point at Penny next. “I helped Eli move from ‘I just ate an apple’ to actual conversation. You’re welcome.” Finally, I point at Blakely and say, “Don’t even get me started on the marathon I ran for the two of you. You’re welcome.”
They’re silent for a second, all looking at each other before Winnie says, “You not hitting on me was not a favor.”
“Trust me.” I wiggle my eyebrows at her. “It was. But we’re not going to get into that. Let’s just say, I value your opinion over theirs.”
Ollie nods. “I can accept that. Also, to be fair, oye my dick was a huge turnoff.”
I lean in and hold my finger up while saying, “But it made you push harder. Therefore, I moved things along.” I curtly bow. “You’re welcome.”
