Page 81 of Bridesmaid for Hire
“You look pale,” Reginald says, coming up next to us.
I take that moment to straighten my posture and offer him a smile. “Too much sunscreen,” I say. “Guess I didn’t rub it all in.”
He studies me, clearly not buying it. “You aren’t afraid of the snakes, are you?”
How on fucking earth would he guess that? Does he have some sort of secret recording device hooked up to our bungalow? At this point, I wouldn’t put it past him.
“Snakes? Ha.” I wave him off even though the mere word gives me the shivers. “No way. Love those…slippery fellas. The more snakes, the better.” Universe, for the love of God, please don’t take that as a real request.
A smirk passes over Reginald’s lips as he slowly nods. “Well, glad to hear it. There have been at least ten found on the trail just this morning. So, this will be a great hike if you want to see the snakes.” Walking stick in hand, he jabs the ground and continues forward, Regina by his side.
When they’re out of earshot, I turn toward Maggie. “Did you hear that? At least ten snakes? Oh my fuck, I’m going to be bitten like that one guy.”
“What guy?” Maggie asks, humoring me.
“Uh, the one who was walking into this house and opened the storm door, only for a snake to be hanging from the top. That man was bald, and the snake bit him right on the top of the head. He ended up falling off the porch and into the planter, screaming he had been bitten.”
“Oh my God, I loved that video. I think I watched it five times in a row. I don’t think he was bitten, more like, patted on the head by the snake.”
“Snakes don’t pat bald heads,” I hiss at her. “They bite. And how the hell did Reginald happen to guess that I was pale because of a possible reptile attack today? Did you tell them I was afraid of snakes?”
“No,” she says, looking just as shocked as me. “I think you might just disgust me as much as the mold growing in between the tiles of a public restroom—but we signed a contract to not embarrass each other.”
Which she’s loosely adhered to, but we won’t get into that now.
“So you didn’t say anything?”
“No, I promise.”
“Might want a walking stick,” Hardy says as he passes us, Hudson behind him, both carrying spear-like sticks.
“They’re right,” I say as I watch them stab their sticks into the ground, a handy weapon for any curious snakes.
I glance around the bushes near us, not interested in sticking my hand beyond the leaves to find a walking stick. That’s when I see a fallen branch off to the right, near the van we took to get here.
“Ah ha.” I jog toward the branch and pick it up. Still full of leaves with several branches sticking in all different directions, I bring it over to Maggie.
“What the hell are you going to do with that?” Maggie asks. “Sweep the path clean?”
“Not a bad idea,” I say as I sweep it across the path like a metal detector searching for reptiles.
“You are not carrying that around with you—you look like an idiot.”
“Says the one that’s unarmed.” I turn toward her. “We’re going into battle, and we need something to thwack the snakes away.”
“You’re absurd.” She grabs my branch and snaps off a few of the limbs, leaving me with one crooked branch and leaves at the end of it. “There, at least that doesn’t make you look like you’ve lost your marbles. You need to pluck those leaves.”
“Fuck no,” I say. “Those are my janglers, an alert to the snakes that I’m coming.”
“Janglers?” She gives me an exhausted look. “Is that the technical term?”
“Yes,” I answer just as the guide comes up behind us.
“Are we ready?” He eyes my branch.
“Yup,” I say and give my weapon a little shake. “Ready to go.”
Either he considers me a genius or an absolute fool, but he doesn’t say anything as he charges forward, moving in front of everyone to lead the way.
