Page 73 of Bridesmaid for Hire
Slowly and steadily, I make my way to the golf carts, spot ours, and gently sit down, wincing when my balls hit the seat. They must be swollen. I’ll be shocked if they’re not.
I drive around and through the resort slowly, not wanting to hit too many bumps, and realize that the plank bridge is going to be a nightmare to cross, so might as well speed over the bumps rather than go at it slow.
Grinning and bearing it, I press the pedal and nearly scream as I make my way down the long bridge to our bungalow. Thankfully, it doesn’t take that long, and I’m out of the golf cart and in the bungalow in no time. I flop back on the bed, get rid of my boardshorts, and then sit up to examine myself.
I check out my penis first and it seems to be okay. When I glance atmy balls, I don’t see any swelling or bruising, which means I’m probably internally bleeding and won’t make it through the night…great.
The last thing the Hoppers will remember about me is how I puked in the sand while holding my dick.
Perfect.
Maybe they’ll take pity on me and say yes to my proposal after I’ve perished, you know, in honor of me.
My gravestone will say,here lies Brody Ryan McFadden. Cause of death: ball to dick. Lasting memory: throwing up in sand. He lives on through his boutique proposal. RIP.
At least I’ll have a lasting legacy.
I lift from the bed and instead of putting my boardshorts back on, I decide to just grab a towel and head over to the plunge pool. Luckily for me, it’s heated, so it’ll be the perfect thing to soak in.
With my phone in one hand, towel and a water from the mini fridge in the other, I walk over to the plunge pool completely naked and sink into the water.
Yup, this is exactly what I need. I roll the towel and rest it near the edge of the pool so I can lay my head on it as I sink deeper into the water.
Next, I pick up my phone and I dial Jaleesa’s number before putting it on speaker and resting it next to me on the wooden deck of the pool.
It rings a few times, but then she picks up.
“Are you calling me with good news?” she asks.
I fucking wish.
“No,” I answer. “I actually don’t even know where to start.”
“Uh-oh,” she says. “Give me a second, let me get to my office.”
I hear her shuffle around and then a door clicks shut. “What’s going on?”
“Well, I got here and the first night, when I was headed to the welcome reception, my best friend’s little sister came up to me.”
“Wait, like she was there on her own?”
“Yeah, but apparently got wind that the Hopper wedding washappening and decided to insert herself into everything. Long story short, she is now one of Haisley’s bridesmaids, we’re in a fake relationship, and I’m currently sharing a bed with her, but nothing is happening—and I mean nothing.”
“Uh…what?”Yeah, what?
I can’t believe I just shared that with Jaleesa. I mean, we’re good friends, as good as a boss and employee can be, but honestly, who else would I share this with? Gary’s out, obviously. Mom and Dad wouldnotunderstand at all—not that I do either. So, I guess my boss is getting the lowdown.
“I honestly don’t even know how we got here. It feels like a whirlwind, but it’s not boding well for me at the moment. I threw up in front of Reginald…right into the sandy beach.”
There’s silence and then…“You’re joking, right? This is a prank?”
“Jesus Christ, I wish that it was.” I drag my hand over my face. “It’s been a nightmare, Jaleesa. I’m not making a good impression. It feels like Reginald’s judging me every moment I even open my mouth. He seems like a nice guy, but he also has this RDJ-type sarcasm that makes you think he likes you when he’s really just fucking with you.”
“RDJ?”
“Robert Downey Jr. Keep up, Jaleesa.”
“Who calls him that?”
