Page 32 of Bridesmaid for Hire
“Fine by me,” he says.
“Number three, we are to stay boyfriend and girlfriend throughout the entirety of the wedding week with an addendum for possible dates after in order to secure any business deals that may come of this. No wandering eyes. No flirting with others. You are mine, and I am yours until we both agree that the contract has been terminated.”
“You’re mine?” he asks with a raised brow. “Never thought I’d hear those words come out of your mouth, directed at me.”
“Consider yourself blessed,” I say as I hand him the notebook.
Before adding his initials, he asks, “Does this include possible business dates in let’s say…a month from now when Hopper chooses my proposal and there’s a celebratory dinner, which would require your presence?”
“Yes. Any post-wedding parties or dates that fall under what we accomplished during this week are required until we can come up with a fake breakup that favors both parties.”
“Fair,” he says and signs.
“Number four.”
“Jesus, how many are there?”
“We need to cover all bases here.” I poise my pen on the paper. “Number four, our story. Brody McFadden and Maggie Mitchell both agree upon the story that we’ve known each other for a few years, but my twenty-first birthday was when sparks began to fly for us. Gary is happy that we’re together and we’re quite serious. We haven’t moved in together yet and there are no wedding bells in our future right now, but Brody considers Maggie to be the moon and the sky, and nothing and no one will ever compare.” I hand him the notepad to initial, but he just stares at me.
“Why am I the one with the giant crush?” he asks.
“Isn’t it obvious?” I ask as I brush my hair behind my neck and stick out my chest. His eyes fall to my breasts and then back up to my eyes.
“No, it’s not obvious.” My eyes narrow as I stare him down. Such an asshole. “Also,” he continues, “Do you really think I’m that easy?”
“Yes,” I answer and tap the page. “Sign.”
But he doesn’t, instead he adds in his own writing. “And Maggie can’t think of another set of pecs that would ever compare to the set Brody McFadden has under his crisp, pressed shirts. Nor does she want any other penis in her life because the penis she has been given is more than enough for her. Sometimes she gags—”
I swat at his hand. “Do not write that.”
“Already done. Should I draw a picture to go with it?”
“No doodling dicks!” I shout. “This is a serious contract.” I snag the notepad from him, annoyed that he ruined my perfectly written contract. “Ugh, your stupid handwriting made this ugly.”
“Wasn’t aware we were going for a handwritten masterpiece. Are you competing with the Declaration of Independence?”
“Are you not taking this seriously?” I snap at him.
“Oh no,” he says in a sarcastic voice. “I’m taking this the most seriously.”
“Why do you have to be such an ass all the time?”
“Why do you have to be uptight all the time?” he counters.
“I am not uptight.”
“Says the girl who lined up her skincare by height.”
I glance over him at the bottles laid out on the bathroom counter. “That’s not being uptight, that’s just being visually appealing.”
He sighs heavily. “Is there anything else you need to add, or can we go to sleep?”
“There should be five, it’s a better number.”
“Uptight…” he whispers.
“That’s not being uptight, that’s being anal-retentive.”
