Page 72 of Bridesmaid for Hire
“It wasn’t your best showing, but I thought it was endearing, you know? Kind of like, look, this guy can take a blow to the pee-pee and still be okay.”
My face falls flat as I look at her. “No one takes a blow to the…pee-pee”—she smirks at my use of her stupid word—“and is okay afterward. This is damaging.”
“Like…how damaging? Gary was once walking on a balance beam, slipped and fell right on his manhood. I’ve never seen anyone go from happy-go-lucky to a catatonic state in the matter of milliseconds. He rolled off the balance beam, stiff as a board, and fell to the floor where he stayed for a solid ten minutes. Later, I heard that he was bruised up and down his legs and his nuts were swollen.” She glances at where the ice is. “Do you think your nuts are swollen?”
“Why?” I deadpan. “Hoping for more cushion tonight?”
That makes her eyes narrow. “And that is why I don’t feel that bad for you, because you’re a dick.” She shakes her head and whispers, “You know, for a second there, a small freaking second, I thought that we could get along, but I was so wrong.”
“I was trying to get along with you, hence the apology this morning, but you couldn’t act like a grown-up and accept it.”
“Because you said I was disgusting.”
“I did not say that,” I shoot back. “When did I say you were disgusting? If anything, I’ve complimented more than dissed you since you inserted yourself into my life.”
“Oh, you called me disgusting, I could see it in your—”
“Hey, how are you guys doing?” Haisley asks as she moves in front of us.
Maggie immediately goes from scornful wench to jubilant sprite in a matter of seconds as she smiles up at Haisley. “Someone is a little sore.” Maggie tilts her head in my direction. “But I think with some gentle nursing, he’ll be on the mend soon.”
“Good. Jude said he was having secondhand phantom pains for you. He’s never seen anyone take a ball that hard, that close to the crotch before.”
Maggie rotates her throwing arm. “I do have a cannon here, should come with a warning.”
Jesus.
Christ.
“I’ll be okay,” I say. “I was actually going to go soak in our bungalow for a bit.”
“Want me to get Jude to help you back to your place?” Haisley asks.
“Nah, I’ll be good,” I say as I slowly lift up to standing.
Mother.
Fucker.
The pain between my legs is so excruciating that I want to go back to the bungalow just to make sure everything is still attached and nothing…detached during the festivities today.
“Well, do you mind if I borrow Maggie? I actually need some help with some seating arrangements, and it doesn’t seem like the planner…or my mother are understanding what I’m trying to accomplish. I thought a fresh pair of eyes might be able to help.”
Maggie springs to her feet, like a soldier ready for roll call. “I would love to help. Seating charts are my specialty. Show me the way.”
“Thank you.” Haisley glances at me, looking concerned, when I don’t fully straighten as I stand. Yup, there’s a slight bend to me, like an old man trying to waddle off to find the cane he left behind.
Hell, what I wouldn’t give for a cane right now.
“Do you want some help getting to your golf cart?” Haisley asks. “I can get one of the guys to give you a hand.”
That’s when Maggie realizes she’s supposed to be caring for me.
“Yes, I can help you if you want.”
I wave them both off. “I’m good. Probably going to stay in for the night, so do your thing, have fun. Great games today.” I wave with a pained smile before turning around and heading toward the golf carts.
Yeah, there is no way in hell I’m going to participate in any other festivities for the rest of the day. It’s a room service and plunge pool evening for me. Room service if I’m lucky enough to stomach something.
