Page 69 of The Reason I Married Him
“I don’t need your pity ass pat,” she seethes.
“Either way, I promise to be a good husband. I’ll be everything you need and more, and in the end, when we inevitably divorce, I won’t make it painful. I’ll be sure to make it as painless as possible and also cover all of the expenses. So really, it’s like you get one of the best years of your life, attached to me, and then you walk away with your land.”
She peeks through her hands to say, “You really think being married to you will be the best year of my life?”
“Guaranteed, babe.”
She groans again, but this time, she sits up. “This is such a nightmare.”
“Could be a dream if you let it.”
Her eyes shoot over to mine, and even though they read like they’re about to murder me, I can also see that shemightbe teetering in my direction. And when I say slight . . . I mean minuscule.
“How would it be a dream? You already irritate me.”
“I’m only irritating right now because I’m trying to badger you into agreeing to this idea.”
“Badgering a woman, wow, you put that on your Tinder profile?”
“I don’t believe in dating apps.” And given I was engaged to be married this time a month ago, that’s not a lie.I’d thought dating apps were a thing of the past for me.
She rolls her eyes dramatically. “Seriously, how could I possibly deal with you for a year if I want to kick you out of this truck right now?”
“Is this where I sell myself to you?”
She folds her arms and nods. “Yes, this would be that moment.”
I rub my hands together. “The moment I’ve been waiting for.” On a deep breath, I start, “I’ve never had a cavity?—”
“That’s what you start with?”
I pause, seeming confused. I’m sorry, that’s a solid accomplishment.
“I think it’s a plus in my column. Shows I have good dental hygiene.”
“There are people with good dental hygiene who still get cavities.”
“Either way,” I say, growing a little frustrated. “It’s just something about me. Jesus.” I clear my throat. “May I continue?” She gestures with her hand for me to continue, so I say, “I’ve never killed a plant?—”
“Have you ever owned one?” She raises a brow.
“No, but that’s by choice.”
“Then how can you lead with you’ve never killed a plant when you’ve never even owned one?”
I casually drape my arm over the side of the truck. “It just shows my common sense.”
She runs her hand over her forehead. “Shows that you twist the truth.”
“Uh, no. I just thought it was an interesting fact.”
“It’s not.” She shakes her head.
“Fine, how about this.” I clear my throat again. “I know how to make a really delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich.” She snorts, but I continue. “I can give you an entire rundown on the history ofThe Great British Bake-off, who hosted what year, who judged, who won. I write bestselling novels that as you probably know are quite entertaining, and you’d get them for free. We’re talking hours upon hours of entertainment. I clearly know how to build things, so if you need a nail driven into wood, I’m your man. And not to mention”—I tap the side of my head—“this noggin is full of brilliant ideas, so whenever you need assistance or a think tank, you can come right to me. Last, I smell nice, cut my toenails bi-weekly, never leave beard clippings around the sink, and know the importance of putting the seat down after I pee.”
“Wow,” she says while slowly clapping. “You are truly a prize to be won.”
“That’s what I’ve been telling you.” I playfully nudge her with my foot even though her sarcasm is thick. “You can’t get better than me when it comes to a marriage of convenience. I’m your man. I’m respectful, and encouraging, and funny, and I’m here to cheer you on while also letting you subtly know when you do something wrong. Because what’s marriage without checks and balances?”
