Page 110 of The Way I Hate Him
“That’s where you’re wrong. I care about you more than I should.”
“Stop.” Another tear falls down my cheek. “Don’t bullshit me, Hayes. I saw Odette walk out of your dressing room. If you remotely cared about me or my feelings, you wouldn’t have had her in your room. And please, don’t act like nothing happened in there.”
“Nothing happened,” he says, his eyes never wavering from mine. “She tried to make a move, but I stopped it . . . because of you.” He lifts my chin again when I try to look away. “Because I can’t stop thinking about you, Hattie.” He blows out a heavy breath and says, “I can’t do this. I can’t be the asshole you want me to be. Not when . . . not when I care so much about you.”
I shake my head. “Just . . . stop. I can’t do this, Hayes. I can’t hear you say things like that, but turn me down and grope another woman right in front of me. It doesn’t add up.”
“It was for a job,” he repeats.
“I understand that.” I wipe my tears. “But this job comes right after last night after you groped me and then made it a fucking point to tell me you have no problem controlling yourself around me. Do you know how undesirable that makes me feel?” I wipe another tear. “And you can’t tell me you didn’t feel anything when kissing her, cupping her beautiful breasts, basically dry-humping her in front of the camera.”
“What do you want me to say, Hattie? That I got an erection while on camera? Yes, I did. I got fucking hard, but only because the entire time, I was picturing you under me, not her.”
“Oh bullshit, Hayes. Don’t feed me lies. After last night, there’s one thing I know for sure. I’m just someone to play around with but never someone to desire.”
“Because I wouldn’t go through with what you wanted?”
“Exactly why, Hayes. You say you can’t stop thinking about me, yet you turn me down every chance you get.”
“Because you shouldn’t be mixed up with me,” he yells at me, his body taking up the entire opening of the door. “Because you’d lose that relationship with your brother, with your sister, and I’m going to tell you right now, Hattie, I’m not fucking worth it.” He grips my chin, forcing me to look at his steel-gray eyes. “I’m not worth it.”
I’m not worth it.
He’s said this to me numerous times already, but given that Ryland and I haven’t touched the subject of Hayes since I’ve been in Almond Bay, I still have no clue what happened between them. And it’s been years. And despite how much Ryland and Hayes loathe each other, Abel’s still friends with both of them.It can’t have been that bad.
It seems that Rowleys are the masters at holding grudges, though. I’ve heard nothing from Aubree all day, so any sisterly love I sought with her seems to be irrevocably destroyed. Because of the damn clause in Cassidy’s will, and my own failure, I can’t see any chance of restoring a relationship with my siblings. So right now, while I’m feeling so raw and wrecked and so alone, why not lose everything? Why not tell this man that I’ve seen below the surface and what I see, I like. I want more of.Hesays he’s attracted to me, so what can I say to show him that I want him? That he is “worth it.”
I wet my lips, his gaze nearly tearing me apart as I say, “What if . . . what if I think you’re worth it?”
He shakes his head. I thought I saw a moment of relief on his face, but it’s as if he’s been conditioned to think only the worst of himself. Which he confirms when he says, “You don’t know me well enough to make that kind of decision. Trust me, I’m doing you a favor.”Right. A favor. There it is, folks.His shields are up. Again.
“I don’t need your favors, Hayes.” I press my hand against his chest and attempt to push him away, but he doesn’t move. “Please, just get in the car and drive me back to Almond Bay.”
Of course he doesn’t listen. He brings his hand to my thigh and smooths it up my leg. Quietly, he says, “If I gave myself the opportunity to give you what you wanted,what I want,I’d dismantle every thought you ever had of being with a man. I’d break you. Then I’d slowly worship every inch of your heavenly body until you realized that no other man will ever give you the unequivocal pleasure I’ll give you. There’d be no going back for you.” He wets his lips as he stares down at my mouth. “And despite desperately wanting to bury my dick so far between your legs, I won’t. I won’t fucking break you. Because, Hattie, it would fucking break me too.”
He pushes off the car and shuts my door, leaving me breathing heavily in my seat, my mind whirling with his proclamation.
He would break me . . . I believe that.But how would I break him?
I’ve already experienced short bursts of pain from him casting me aside. But knowing it would break him?
I know I shouldn’t want that. But I’ve had small tastes of Hayes-given pleasure...and sadly, my body still yearns for him.
Time to give up, though, Hattie—something you seem very capable of doing.
* * *
Hayes droppedme off hours ago.
The car ride back to Almond Bay was quiet. We just listened to music but didn’t say anything to each other. When I got out of his car, he asked me to come by tomorrow to finish what I started in the living room. If I wanted to leave after that, that was fine.
I agreed that I’d clean up the rest of the living room and finish that bag of letters, but when I was done, I wasn’t returning. For my own sanity, I can’t go back.
Now in my small studio apartment, I stare up at the ceiling while lying in my bed, thinking over the past twenty-four hours, hell, the past week. How did I go from dating one man to being infatuated with the wrong person? Is that the kind of effect he has on people? Must be, especially if Odette tried to make a move on him. I’m not surprised by that, but I am surprised Hayes denied her.
She was everything I’m not. I assumed he wanted to be with her, to finish what they started in that bed—especially because she’s everything I’m not—but I was wrong.
I was so wrong.
