Page 234 of The Way I Hate Him
God, I love her.
I push through the screen door and walk up to Hayes.
“Ready?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I answer, glancing at Ryland quickly who offers me a smile.
Together, Hayes and I walk out toward the potato fields, a weird place to have a conversation, but probably better than sending Ryland and Maggie away somewhere so I can have some privacy with Hayes.
We walk along the dirt, getting far enough away from the house so we have a lot of privacy. After a few seconds of silence, Hayes says, “I fucked up, Hattie.”
Hope springs in my chest because there’s a distinct possibility he’s about to apologize. I truly hope that’s where he’s going with this.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“With you,” he says, turning toward me. I turn as well, and I’m immediately captivated by his light, pleading eyes. “I pushed you away when I should have clung to you for support. I said horrible things to you when I should have been saying the opposite. And I displaced my horrible past on you when you deserved nothing but a happy future with me.”
He reaches out and takes my hand. I let him link our fingers together. “Your birthday was perfect. Everything about it and then . . . my past came knocking on my door. It’s not an excuse, but I want to be honest. My mom and Matt were trying to blackmail me, and it brought back all of these ugly feelings. It made me fall into a dark headspace, and instead of talking to you, I pushed you away so you didn’t end up hurting me as well.”
“I would never, Hayes.”
“I know that. Fuck do I know that, Hattie. And I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry that I said those things to you. That I pushed you away, that I made you feel any less than what you are. Because you’re so fucking special. You breathed oxygen back into my lungs and made me feel when my entire body was living in a numb state. Because of you, I learned to love; I learned to fucking feel. My soul was woken up and nurtured . . . by you.” Tears well up in my eyes, and he takes a step closer. “I love you, Hattie. You’re the very reason I wake up in the morning with a smile on my face. You’re the reason I’m able to strum a guitar with an outpouring of love flowing through me. You’re the reason the colors around us are so vivid. You’re the reason that when I look up at the stars, I feel more than grounded, I feel at peace. And you’re the reason I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure I make you just as happy as you make me.”
“Hayes,” I say softly, one single tear falling.
“I love you, baby. And I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, and if you can’t forgive me now, then I’ll let you take as much time as you need, but I won’t stop loving you. I never have, and I never will.”
I swipe at my tear and grip his hand tighter. “I never stopped loving you. It’s impossible. You have my heart, Hayes.”
He wets his lips, taking another step forward. “Tell me you want to be with me. Please tell me you forgive me.”
My hand lands on his chest, and I say, “I forgive you, Hayes, and I want to be with you.”
Relief washes over his face, and he bends forward to kiss me, but I stop him with my hand to his mouth, confusing him.
When he pulls away, I point at him. “But if you ever, and I mean ever, treat me like that again, we’re done. Got it?”
“It will never happen again. I swear. You’re my life, Hattie.” He presses his forehead to mine. “You’re my everything. I need you more than I need air. I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry.”
I bring my hands up his chest to his shoulders as he grips me at the waist. “Thank you,” I whisper just as I stand on my toes and press my lips to his. It’s soft at first, our lips just brushing together, but then he grips me tighter, and the urgency to be closer takes over. His hand floats up to the back of my head, keeping me in place as his mouth rotates one way and then another.
“Fuck,” he mutters between kisses. “I’ve missed you.”
I wrap my arms around his neck, bringing him in tighter. “I’ve missed you.”
Heart racing, I let my body feel his. I fall into his kiss, into his touch, into his desperation, and I soak up every second of it because this is what I want. This is what I need as well.
Him.
Hayes.
I need him in my life. And despite the loss of Cassidy, failing out of my semester, needing a job and finding it in the darkest of places, I truly believe there was a reason I hated this man, because deep down . . . I was supposed to love him.
Epilogue
HAYES
“Why do I feel like I could throw up?” Hattie asks as she walks into the kitchen wearing a pair of blue shorts and a white T-shirt with a small pocket on the breast. Her hair is pinned back so it’s half up and half down, and she’s wearing more mascara than usual. She looks so fucking good.
