Page 231 of The Way I Hate Him
“I’m—”
“I’m not finished,” he says. “The only reason you’re not tasting my fist right now is because I know you actually didn’t want to push Hattie away, but you did it as a defense mechanism.”
“She could do so much better,” I say, dropping my shoulders.
“That’s where you’re wrong.” His eyes ring sincere as he says, “I’ve seen her at her happiest and I’ve seen her at her worst, and when I say she was extremely happy with you, I mean it. There was pure joy in her eyes during a dark time. This past week, watching that darkness creep back in, it’s killed me, because I know this could be avoided. This heartbreak, Hayes, it could be avoided.”
I shake my head. “I’m . . . I’m not the kind of man who’s strong enough for her.” I grip the back of my neck and whisper, “I’m scared.”
“I know you are. Your actions wreak of being scared. But pushing the people away who matter most to you, that will only bring you loneliness and fuck, Hayes, don’t you want to be happy? Don’t you want to get over this fucking hill you’ve been climbing for how many goddamn years? Isn’t it time to stop running from the hurt of the past, accept that it happened, and move on? You’re better than this, you deserve better than this, and you should really give yourself the chance to actually be happy.”
I sigh, leaning back on the couch. “She hates me.”
“She doesn’t,” he replies. “She might be hurt, but trust me when I say, she doesn’t hate you. She actually loves you.”
“She does?” I ask. “After everything I said?”
Ryland nods. “She does. And I’m going to tell you right now, if you don’t go after her and make this right, you’re going to have to deal with me. I might have let you slide the first time, not the second.”
I glance to the side. The thought of going up to Hattie and telling her how much I love her, how fucking sorry I am is very overwhelming.
“I’m . . . I’m not in the right headspace.”
“Because you won’t allow yourself to be in the right headspace.” Ryland leans closer, and he knocks my knee with his hand. “You’re worth it, dude. And I’m not just saying that because I don’t want to see my sister hurting. If I thought you’d fuck her over in the long run, I wouldn’t be here right now. I’d be helping her move on. But seeing you two together, it’s special. And look at me.” He pauses for our eyes to meet. “Don’t you want to be happy? After all of the shit you’ve been through, don’t you want to sit in this life surrounded by joy? Tell me the last time you felt that before Hattie?”
I give it some deep thought because I wasn’t happy even at the highest points of my career. I had no one to share it with besides Gran and Abel, but even at that, I didn’t share that much. I didn’t come home, knowing Ryland was here. I didn’t talk with my mom, knowing what she’d ask of me. So I isolated myself, even on the biggest days of my life . . . I isolated. So the last time I was truly happy . . .
“When it was you, me, and Abel hanging out,” I say. “A band of brothers. Those were my best days. Those were the days that mattered to me.”
Ryland slowly nods. “Then let’s make it happen.”
“What do you mean?”
Ryland pulls out his phone and hands it to me. “Add yourself. I think we’re texting friends now.”
A large laugh pops out of me as I shake my head. “Don’t be a douche.”
He laughs too. “I’m serious, man. I want things the way they were too. I miss talking to you. I miss our friendship. I have for a long time, but I was just too fucking stubborn to admit it.”
“And you’re admitting it now because you’ve been listening to those records I left you, haven’t you?”
He smirks. “The Reason, man, that song . . . fuck, it’s catchy.”
I smile. “So I’ve been told.” I sigh and push my hand through my hair. “She really loves me?”
“She does.”
“After everything I did?”
“Yup.” He must see me waver because he adds, “And honestly, dude, fuck your dad, fuck your mom, fuck the Ryland who didn’t trust you. That shit is in the past. Let it stay there, and let yourself be happy.”
I want to be happy.
Fuck do I want that more than anything, and the happiest I’ve ever been was with Hattie in my life. Am I scared? More than ever.
I’ve been fucked over far too many times to ever really trust someone again, but is that how I want to live my life? No. I realized that quickly the moment I pushed Hattie away. I lost stability in my life. I lost love. I lost the ability to just feel something, anything. Returning to a numb state isn’t how I want to live this life I’ve been granted. I want to feel something deep in my bones. I’ve been living in this immobilized state for so long that the moment Hattie entered, I actually felt like she kickstarted my heart again. I felt warm, like my blood was pumping for the first time in years.
And I want that.
