Page 113 of The Way I Hate Him
Hattie:Maggie!
Maggie:Sorry, you’re right . . . how dare he! How big was the boob?
Hattie:Like three of mine put together.
Maggie:Oof, that’s a blow. I know how much you wish your boobs were bigger.
Hattie:Would it have hurt them to grow a touch more? I mean . . . when I was a teenager, I’d push hard, focusing all my efforts on my chest to make them sprout more.
Maggie:That . . . is something I could have done without hearing.
Hattie:Aubree told me once to put Miracle-Gro on them . . . and I did.
Maggie:I can imagine how that played out.
Hattie:Not well. I was so worried I would blossom weeds right out of my nipples.
Maggie:LMAO. Did you?
Hattie:I think you know nothing has ever blossomed on my chest by now.
Maggie:Your boobs aren’t that small.
Hattie:Compared to Odette’s, they’re seedlings.
Maggie:Were they natural?
Hattie:Very. I honestly wanted to squeeze them myself.
Maggie:I’d probably have been the same.
Hattie:And get this, he admitted to being hard. Granted, I think I was even hard watching it all go down, although I was too ripe with jealousy, anger, and nausea to notice just how hard I was.
Maggie:Can you stop saying you were hard? I don’t like that.
Hattie:It’s facts.
Maggie:So he said he was hard. That was generous of him to share that with you.
Hattie:Sort of pried it out of him. It’s a long story. Either way, he said it was because he was thinking of me the whole time. I’m going to tell you right now, if he was thinking of me while squeezing that voluptuous tit, he’s going to be disappointed . . . well, I mean, not that he will ever squeeze my boob. Huh, actually he did . . .
Maggie:Uh, what now?
Hattie:**SIGHS** It was last night. We ended up sharing a bed, another long story, and he squeezed my boob in another one of those teasing situations. I’ll be honest, I was ready to sit right on his face.
I down the rest of my drink, and Joe, the good man he is, brings me another.
Maggie:I haven’t ever sat on a man’s face, but the bridal party I was working with the other day talked about sitting on faces.
Hattie:Did you get any good detail on how to execute the face sitting?
Maggie:They just texted their guys. They did it while at knitting club.
Hattie:Does knitting give you confidence?
Maggie:No idea, but it makes me want to try it.
Hattie:What about crochet? What kind of confidence does that give you?
