Page 101 of Bourbon Deceit
“What?” I turned my napkin around and looked at it. “Oh shit, I meant tickler.”
Babs and Pepper burst into laughter. “You’re so twisted.”
I shrugged my shoulders and put the napkin in my shirt so the writing hung over my breasts. I shimmied at them and said, “Watch out, the tit tipper is going to get you.”
“That wouldn’t be the worst thing,” Pepper said as she motioned to the bartender for more drinks. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take, I was at my limit. One more might be sending me down to tile town to meet up with the porcelain gods, and that was a visit I really didn’t want to make.
“I think I want some water,” I said to the bartender, who looked me up and down and nodded in agreement. Fucking judger. As If I was the worst thing that crossed Bourbon Street.
I caught my reflection in the mirror behind the bar and instantly understood why the bartender was handing me a tall glass of sobriety-inducing water.
My hair was sticking out at all ends thanks to my leather jacket turban, my makeup was smeared down my face from sweat, and my bra was practically falling out of my shirt from being unattached.
“Holy shit, I’m a hot mess,” I announced to the girls.
Babs looked me up and down while taking a sip of some kind of red concoction in her hand. “I’m surprised you just noticed that. You were at hot-mess status an hour ago, when you started pelvic thrusting one of the hobo’s dogs on the streets.”
My head snapped up to Babs in disgust. “Please tell me it was at least a German Shepard.”
“What is wrong with you?” Pepper laughed.
I shrugged and we all leaned against the bar to survey the dance floor.
“A lot of tuna flakes out there tonight,” Babs said.
“Tuna flakes?” I asked while sucking down my water.
“A nicer way of saying pussy-ass hoes.”
“Oh.” I nodded as if that made complete sense.
“If they’re pussy-ass hoes, what does that make us?” Pepper asked.
We stood there for a second until I raised my hand.
“Yes, Lo?” Babs called on me.
“We’re a trio of bitch-a-corns.”
“Bitch-a-corns?” Pepper and Babs asked at the same time.
“Bitches but by far superior. The most majestic and beautiful bitches you will ever meet. We shit rainbows and fart rainbow dust. Our tits are sparkling orbs and when a man sinks into our pleasure hole, he is touched by a leprechaun’s teat, blessing him with multiple orgasms in one night.”
“Well shit,” Pepper said as she took a sip of her drink. “I had no clue my pussy was so goddamn sacred. I would have wiped it with fucking sheets of gold if I’d known the powers it had.”
“Common mistake,” I responded. “You never know of your pussy powers until one day, you’re just sitting and a little man in a green hat pops out of it, waves, and pops back in. That was how I found out.”
“Yeah, time to call Kace,” Babs said, looking me up and down. “I’m calling it, you’re toasted.”
“Wait!” I held up my hand. “I need to go to the bathroom. I think I might pee my pants.” I held my crotch like a two-year-old and danced around.
Babs shook her head and said, “Go to the bathroom, I’ll text Kace to take you home.” She patted me on the head and continued, “It’s beddy bye time for Lo.”
I nodded and took off toward the bathroom. My legs wobbled in the three-inch heels I was wearing as I tried to avoid the dancers that kept getting in my way to the bathroom. A couple that was one pair of underwear being ripped off away from fucking in the hallway bumped into me while their tongues massacred each other.
“Blek, gross. Get a room,” I said maturely, pushing them back. They remained unaffected by my assault. Someone else bumped into me, this time it was a frat boy with a neon light-up necklace wrapped around his face.
“Douche bag,” I called out as I walked past him, sticking my foot out to trip him, which I failed at because what I thought was his leg was actually a bar chair. I stumbled forward from tripping myself and ran into a strong pair of arms.
